I have so many things to rant about right now, and I am disliking it with a passion.
I’m feeling like a crappy Mom today. A really crappy Mom. And not because I actually am a crappy Mom, but that feeling is just overpowering every other feeling today.
It had been about 4 days since I heard from the kids last. Then, they call me this morning sounding chipper as ever. So, I get to talk to all of them and even though I’m still half asleep in bed, I manage to have a great conversation with them. When I say “I miss you”, not a single one of them says anything back.
Then, Alfie and I talk about the plans for the next little bit. He has to come into town for one day for a funeral sometime this week, but has had plans all along to take the kids to the K-days in Edmonton. So, for one day the kids are coming back and then they’re going back for the weekend. But here’s Alfie, 2 1/2 weeks into having the kids, sounding happier than he’s sounded in months of phonecalls. Not pulling his hair out, begging me to take them back, crying and sobbing like a little girl. No, he’s happy!
And I immediately felt guilty. Really guilty. You know how happy I sound when I’ve got all four them? I sound absolutely downright miserable and I often feel that way too – I feel rundown, I feel exhausted, I feel overwhelmed, I feel like every single thing I’m doing is the wrong thing, I feel like crap. I do not sound happy when I’ve got all the kids.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I’m not happy when I’m with all my kids, because I am. On the inside, in my heart, I’m more happy than anything and I feel complete and whole. I love that I feel exhausted and overwhelmed because I put a lot of energy into loving and raising my kids. But I hate that I don’t get to be the parent that can sound happy.
And I know I’m seeing it from a skewed perspective and everyone has been really quick to point that out to me. First of all, Alfie has been working this entire time, full-time and someone else has been spending the majority of days with the kids. Second, it’s easy to only enjoy the kids for a couple of hours every night for two weeks when you haven’t had to do it in quite a long while. And for the kids sounding “happier”, of course they are. You would be too if you were being bought new stuff everyday and getting to go to all these awesome events. Everyone keeps reminding me that it’s easy to be that kind of parent when you don’t always have to do it.
But even with all these other perspectives, I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m a terrible Mom and mostly I can’t stop my head from telling me over and over again that if everyone is happier where they are, they should just stay there. But, I just keep trying to tell my head, it’s a fake happiness, an unreal happiness. I have to keep telling myself that. Because I really don’t want them to “just stay there”, I miss them… I miss them a lot.