Yesterday was just plain awkward…
After he called yesterday, and I sounded more pissy than ever, he came home as if he was walking on the thinnest of ice. I swear to you that he literally tip-toed into the house, set down my coffee without so much as a word and then went and sat as far away from he as he could.
I ignored him for a good long while. Then, I had casual friendly conversation with him about my day and the cute things the kids had done. I joked and laughed and he awkwardly sat in silence, obviously unsure of what he was supposed to do.
Then, sometime after dinner, I went upstairs to my room. I never do this. Never. The kids of course flocked upstairs, and I ended up dozing off with one of the kids sleeping next to me. A few hours pass and I wake up from a pain in my knee and go downstairs. He’s fallen asleep on the couch. He never does this. Never.
I go back to bed, deciding that we’ll just spend another day in awkward hell, who cares. About an hour passes and he comes upstairs to grab his cellphone charger – good thing too, otherwise who knows how he would’ve gotten up this morning. Even though he knows I’m awake, he pretends like I’m sleeping, still on the tips of toes.
I awkwardly blurt out, “So, is this how it’s going to be then?”, and he stops dead in his tracks. He stops and stares like a deer caught in the headlights and I say that I can’t stand this silence for one second longer. I should not be feeling like I’m being punished simply for expressing myself.
I know he’s feeling terrible and guilty and just as awkward, if not more, than I am. I’m trying my best to be sensitive to that, while also fuming because this should not be a hard conversation for us to have. We’ve had it so many times before. It’s what happens when one person is kinky and the other isn’t.
We end up coming back downstairs and the conversation really gets going. First, I bring up the fact that I know he’s been sneaking around to watch porn. At first, he lies and says that he hasn’t watched porn since the last time we watched it together. This raises my anger level to an uncontrollable level and I shout at him, sarcasm seeping through every syllable, “Are you kidding me? No, someone just happened to use the internet browser on your cellphone two days ago to watch YOUR porn!”. Every inch of my body was shaking. I yelled more about how I knew absolutely that he was without a doubt lying to me.
He eventually confessed. Then he lied again about where he was watching it and how, but I decided to let that go to talk about the heart of the issue. I began, “I just don’t understand how here you have the most sexually open girlfriend in the entire world, and all I’m asking is for a little bit of honesty about your porn habits, and you can’t even try. I tell you about every single time I watch porn, every time I masturbate, every fantasy I have. You shut me out of that stuff. And it makes it feel like we’re disconnected on the deepest level.”
He defensively responded with two points, not related to the porn but related to my sexual frustration, and I sat quietly and let him have his moment, even though I was raging. I listened to him tell me, “I just haven’t been interested”, more than once last night. And I was delighted when my silence didn’t deter him from continuing to open up.
We talked about so many things in that three hour awkward conversation on the couch. How I find the type of porn that he likes appauling, how he’s just so exhausted sometimes that sex does just seem like another job he has to get through, how I look at sex as something so much more than sex and that’s why I get so upset about it, how he doesn’t feel what I’m feeling.
I held back tears, so many times, as I tried to explain to him how he can make me feel so insecure. How one night of a lack of sexual desire on his part can make me feel undesirable in every aspect of our life together. And I turned my face away and held my hand over my quivering lips, as he praddled off his ideas of how we could fix this problem – including me buying lingerie, me being more forceful, me kicking him off of games earlier, me wearing a bra (so he has something to take off, not that he takes off any of the clothes I currently wear…), me doing this and me doing that and me working my ass off to make him attracted to me.
He might as well have said, “Lose about 30 pounds, get some bigger breasts and a tighter ass, and be as overtly sexual as you can – and then maybe you’ll turn me on.”
“I just haven’t been able to get interested”, he said and I nodded in understanding, “That’s why I’ve been watching the porn…” and he said, “I mean, it’s probably going to sound mean…” and I stopped him. I said, “I don’t want to hear this next thing. I’m almost 100% sure that I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t want to hear it. Once I hear it, it becomes real and that is not a reality I can face right now.”. I knew he was going to suddenly confess that the lie he had told earlier about where he was consuming his porn was exactly that and instead that he watches it right before we have sex, to get himself going. That is not a truth I can face.
Because what do I do with that information?!? I mean, even now, it’s the one part of the conversation – next to all the work he thinks I should do to even just attempt to get a chubbie out of him – that just keeps playing over and over again in my mind. He watches porn immediately before having sex, sneaking around to do it because I cannot like teen porn, and then comes to me with that. All I keep thinking is “How dare he!”.
He had gotten himself quite worked up talking about teenage breasts and the idea of me shoving him up against the wall and just having my way with him. He asked if we could carry on the conversation up in bed and I agreed, my mind just spinning. We laid down and I said quietly, “I just don’t think it’s fair that you walk into the room, and without even doing anything or saying anything, I feel immediately turned on by you. And I have to remind myself that right now I’m mad at you. But I have to go buy lingerie and bras and basically rape you for you to feel at all turned on by me.”
His body slumped and I could feel him fighting the urge to roll over, guilt consuming him. If he could’ve, he probably would’ve crawled into a dark hole. I rolled to face him and said, “Since you’re the one that gets out of the house every once and awhile and has all the money, why don’t you buy me lingerie or bring me home sex toys? If you want those things, you should get them, because I don’t need them and they’re not for me…”.
Who knows what is going to come out of all of this. Today, I’m going to bet that he’s going to act like we didn’t just spend the last day in hell. He’ll come home today and all will go back to normal for him until the next time this flares up again on my end. He’ll walk in and sit next to me, he’ll figure we sorted it all out and all of it is over now. And I’m not ready for it to be over…
If anything, last nights conversation has added more fuel to the fire and I have even more grievances to air, because what I thought was the problem was only a small fraction of the problem. So now it’s all about figuring out what I’m going to do with all this new information and how I’m going to handle the coming days… I still just keep thinking that I am just so done…