I’ve been stuck in a bit of a depressed rut for the last couple of days. I woke up one morning, just hating the whole entire universe and all of existence, and it took me a few days to shake it. If I’m being completely honest, who knows if I really have.
I tend to get to this point now where I just hate the depressed feeling. I hate the fatigue, I hate the body pain, I hate the constant edge of tears, I hate how defining what your feeling seems like the most pressing issue you’ve ever faced. I hate it and I get incredibly bored of it. So, I just walk away from it.
I know I’m making it sound really easy, but you have to remember that I’ve been suffering with depression for a good number of years, so it’s a little different when you teach yourself to live with it.
The kids have all been a little out of control this past week and that just adds to every bit of inadequacy that I may feel. They get out of school and are all grumpy and pestering each other. We get home and it’s immediate mess-making time. And they seem to have everlasting energy that absolutely drains the parents. Add to that the fact that they are all refusing to listen and it’s just a big headache.
I’ve been slacking in just about every area. From letting a lot of my cleaning slide and basically ignoring my computer, I just have felt very much like curling up into a ball and sleeping. How The Boyfriend deals with it and doesn’t get frustrated and fed up is beyond me, because I find it to be an impossible time – even if it only lasts a few days.
I ended up supporting FetLife on a whim this week, so now I can go further back in my feeds and watch videos and stuff. That’s been quite a fun experience and I was delighted to get to see a few videos that you can’t find on the average porn site (although I make the strong argument that when there is no sex, it’s not porn). I also finally updated some more of my profile, which I’ve been working on doing for months now.
Then, again on a whim, after deciding that I wasn’t going to, I bought The Sims 4. I had said I wasn’t going to because the specifications all said that it wouldn’t run on my laptop. But then The Boyfriend kept telling me, “Everyone said that Warcraft wouldn’t run on my computer and yet it did” and my sister had bought it on her less awesome computer than mine, so I figured I’d give it a shot. Imagine my excitement when it totally worked! Although surprisingly, I haven’t played it nearly as much as I was expecting I would.
This week, I’ve gotta try to get some stuff done. I’ve gotta force myself to get up off my butt and do something. Getting all the cleaning that I keep putting off done would be a start. I also really want to do some reading and writing – now that I’m finished Brave New World, I’m right into The Bell Jar and got about 4 chapters through it during my last bath.
Well that’s basically all I have to say, just wanted to do a quick update 😉