Happy Halloween!! *Howls*

I have spent the last two days basically glued to my computer. The Boyfriend has been sick for the past week and all he wanted to do was veg and play games, leaving me no choice but my computer. So, I spent the first few days puttering around then the last two doing nothing but Sims.

I don’t think ever, across any of the franchises, have I ever dedicated myself so much to only one family for so long. Back in the Wii Castaway days, I’d start a family then move onto a new family, play for a little bit and then move onto a new family. The Sims 3 on the Xbox 360 is probably the only time that I’ve ever come even close, and then even not, because everytime we’ve ever bought that game the kids have it destroyed in a matter of days. After the fifth time, I laid down the law and said we couldn’t spend anymore money on it!

I feel absolutely all simmed out today after pulling almost 12 hours on it yesterday. Most of that went into building, which I seem to be struggling with like crazy, even though it’s easier than it’s ever been.

In other gaming news, The Boyfriend has been playing a lot of Project Spark lately and officially understands “if” (when) and “else” (do) statements better than I do… He’s managed to find quite a few games that are teaching him the basics of Koding and then he’s applying that to his own games and he’s coming up with quite a few good projects. It’s making me totally jealous, because I’ve long wanted to figure out this game (especially being that I think it will be a huge helper in learning to write JavaScript) and even though I have it on both the Xbox One and my computer, I’m nowhere near where he’s at.

It’s Halloween today and all the kids are beyond excited. This whole entire week has been nothing but talking about who’s going to be what and how they’re going to be that thing and what they’re going to do on Halloween night. I’m always excited about Halloween until it’s actually time to take them out trick-or-treating.

Holidays, of any kind, always kind of make me feel like a crappy parent. First of all, I take on no religious affiliation whatsoever, and although religion is a very popular topic around our house, it’s not something any of us subscribe to. Then, I don’t personally have any traditions and I never kept any that we had as kids. So holidays are literally just another day on the calendar for me.

But for a big majority of my family, Holidays are family gathering times. Someone is supposed to host a dinner for the family, decorations are to be laid out, everyone participates. So when I don’t put up a Christmas tree (because why should I?!?) or when I don’t want to trek outside in the freezing cold Alberta October’s (because why would I?!?), my entire family comes down on me. From Mom and The Boyfriend to each and everyone of the kids.

I also beat myself up a lot about it, because I think it’s important for families to have traditions. I think it’s important that kids can depend on that thing happening year after year after year – no matter what life is like. When I was a kid, no matter what, you could always count on the fact that Christmas Eve you’d sing carols and get to open one present and Christmas Morning everyone gathered to open presents. You could always count on us doing these traditional things.

And it’s not that my kids don’t have that. They know that every year on Christmas Eve, even when there is not a single decoration or carol in sight, they get to open one present and on Christmas Morning they get to wake everyone up early for present opening. They know on Thanksgiving every single year, we will do whatever is necessary to ensure we get turkey and gravy! We have traditions, just not in the way that I always envisioned it would be when I became a parent.

For example, in this place where Holidays mattered more to me, this Halloween we would be gearing up to have an epic party. First, The Boyfriend and I would have some friends (something we are sorely lacking) and those friends would have kids. Whole families would amass at our house after school and we’d have a Halloween-themed dinner. Then, we’d all get ready and head to the mall first for trick-or-treating and then we’d terrorize the town with our ghoulish screams of “Trick or Treat!!!”. Afterwards, we’d come back to the house and the kids would drink beverages that steamed and the adults would drink until the wee hours of the morning while the Monster Mash streamed over the crowd, as one by one they all fell asleep with zombies, goblins and ghosts on their mind!

It would be awesome, but it’s so not me… Or us…

However, all that being said, the kids are doing their Halloween parade at school as I type. Shortly after they get home from school, Mom is picking us up and even though The Boyfriend will be at work, the kids and I will be trick-or-treating at the mall. Depending on what time it is and how cold it is when we get back from the mall, I’m thinking about being the most awesome Mom ever and taking them up the couple of blocks to the store. That should net them at least a bag-worth of candy. So, for all my previous ranting, it won’t be a terrible nothing-gets-done holiday…

How do you celebrate the holidays? Do you wish you did it differently? Share your thoughts with me in the comments below!

Advertisements

Already Almost 2015…

It’s been quite a bit since I last wrote and I left off in a rather gloomy place. Mostly, I’ve barely been getting on my computer. We’ve been quite busy over the last little bit and The Boyfriend has had a number of days home, thanks to a nasty round of colds going through the house right now, so the computer has been neglected heavily.

So, when I last wrote, I was having quite the overall issue with a terrible rut I was stuck in. At this point, I’m pretty happy to report that it’s mostly dug out of. I get a whiff of it every once and awhile, but it’s been about three days now of relative fresh air. A lot of the ranting I was doing was related to The Boyfriend and our relationship, and although we haven’t exactly dealt with anything, we have had some pretty serious conversations over the last little bit. I wrote two posts that will probably never see the light of day about those conversations, but it released a good portion of that unbearable weight I was carrying around.

We “celebrated” Carter’s birthday during this weekend that just passed, even through everyone’s grumbly coughs and runny noses. First was his actual birthday, where we gave him some Minecraft books – which he has been absolutely obsessed with. So much so that for everyday since his birthday, he’s been waking up before 6 AM to be able to play… The next day, we went to Mom’s for a big dinner and that was also a really great day – as it usually is.

Starting next week, I have quite a few plans as I am desperate to start doing stuff involving The Erotic Writers Group again. I have left it alone for quite awhile, having lost my ability to do anything during that rut, and now I’m constantly wanting to get back into it. I have a couple ideas to keep things afloat should I end up back in that rut again, so I need to hash those out and my hope is that by January 2015 we will back up and into the full swing of things – plus some additional goodies.

I have a lot of hopes and goals coming into the 2015 year and I do this almost every year, where I come up with all these things that I’m going to do better this year than last. Generally, I fail miserably and for a lot of reasons. I tend to take on too much all at once across a whole bunch of different areas of interest and I try to do it all. These last couple of years have also been rough on us in terms of our luck and hopefully we’ve done all the stuff we need to do to make that different this year.

My big one for this year though is all centered around The Erotic Writers Group. I really want to get that where I want it to be and I really want to get some extra help with it, so that it’s a more manageable project. Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to bring all these ideas to life and make the whole thing a reality. This is what I plan I do over the next couple of weeks…

Well, it’s a quick update, I know. I hope to have more to talk about in the coming days. In the meantime, thanks for your patience and until the next time 😉

It’s All in My Head…

My sleep has just absolutely been sucking lately. I’ve managed to give myself a wicked headache almost every night before sleep for about a week now and waking up is just about the most impossible thing in the world for me right now.

The worst part of it all is the way that The Boyfriend is dealing with it. And I’m so unsure how to respond. I haven’t had this many sleeping issues since back when Alfie and I were still together. And when I’d sleep past noon and let the cleaning go by the wayside, it would be days and days of yelling and screaming, name-calling and on top of my own beating up of myself, there was his as well.

The Boyfriend on the other hand, comes upstairs and kisses me gently awake. It takes me a long time to respond to those kisses. I roll away from him, I stay asleep, and he’ll sit in the bed next to me playing on his cellphone. Then, when he’s officially ready to be done waiting, he’ll light a smoke. I often begin to stir, because the smell of smoke when I’m sleeping makes me immediately worry about fire. Then, when I begin the beating up myself for sleeping in past noon, he’ll wrap his arms around me and is the most comforting, “Oh, we don’t mind. It’s okay. You must’ve been really tired, because you didn’t flinch at all.”

A couple days back was a perfect example. I had planned the day before that we would wake up early the next day. The house is still mostly clean, but I wanted to get up early and just do some touchups. But the next morning, he was up early and I just could not open my eyes. When I did wake up, after noon, I immediately started in, “I can’t believe I slept that late.” and a whole bunch of profanities and negativity and he said, “It’s not like the house is that messy, so it’s no big deal that you slept in. If I were worried about it, I would’ve made sure you were awake.”.

My heart is so grateful to him and his wonderfulness and his understanding and his compassion and his support. My head is absolutely confused by it and also hates it all a little bit. So between my head and my heart, there’s a pretty big argument going on.

The rut that I’ve been in is not going away and I would argue that it’s getting worse. I seem to get through most of my day without being really aware of the feelings and then once the kids go to bed, I’m just bombarded with negative thoughts and feelings. I spent the night last night shushing myself to sleep, because my brain would just not stop making noise.

I’m refusing to call it anything close to depression, especially being that it’s not like any of my previous depressions. I’m still able to find stuff funny, I’m still able to laugh when my kids are being ridiculously adorable and I’m still interested in all my hobbies. The only part of it all that seems like depression is the very negative self-talk, the constant reeling of my brain and this overwhelmingly stressed out feeling. And a couple mini panic attacks, over things like cops parked outside of the house or the wind blowing just a little too hard.

Otherwise, it just feels like being kind of stuck. Can’t make any moves or do much of anything, just have to stay still. I call it a rut for exactly that reason. It’s like I was walking along one day and then I stepped down and fell into a rut. And now I’m trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it. And once I do, everything will be fine.

I keep thinking that I’m making some progress. Especially on those days when the waking up isn’t so hard, when the getting up and getting things done seems possible, it feels like I’m beginning my way out of it. And then the stupidest little things will throw me back down to the bottom of the rut and I have to start all over again. Lately, that stupid little thing is my sleeping habits.

I keep saying to myself, “Just get up. You just have to get up. It’s not that hard. One foot in front of the other. Get up!” and then I immediately feel like an idiot, because if it was just that simple, don’t you think I would do that. It always reminds me of the only time I’ve ever yelled at a doctor. She was going off about how I could “choose to be happy” and this was at the worst parts of my depression. I stood up and yelled at her, “If I could CHOOSE to be HAPPY, don’t you think I would?!? Why the hell else would I be here?!?”.

It’s a complicated time for me. Especially being that this is the first time I’ve ever experienced one of these situations without some kind of obvious trigger. Normally, this type of rut is brought on by finances or external stress, too much on my plate or relationships – something. But no matter how hard I search, I just can’t seem to find the thing that is keeping me here, in this perpetual rut. The only thing I keep coming back to is me. It’s all in my head. I’ve never experienced that before…

Proud Mama and Turkey Weekend

These last few days have been busy busy and now it’s time for a couple days break before it gets busy busy again.

First, I had parent/teacher conferences this week. I always go into these things expecting to hear the worst things about my kids and I always leave, incredibly relieved, to not have heard anything negative. All of them are doing spectacularly well.

I met with Carter’s kindergarten teacher first. I was really expecting to hear a lot of bad things, because he’s always so unhappy to be going to school. But his teacher said there were no complaints. They are going to work out a plan with the speech therapist to get a program started for his speech delay – which we knew going into this year and had actually requested, because he is very hard to understand.

Next up was Keirnan’s teacher. He had just graduated out of his speech therapy the day before, which made me the most proud Mom ever. I didn’t think he would get to graduate already, but the speech therapist said that the only thing she could think of for him to still work on (and that chances are, until his front teeth come in, it will continue to be an issue), is the clarity of his hissy sounds. His teacher absolutely loves having him in class, he’s a total cutie and it’s evident that he’s working extra hard to make up for his weaknesses. Big smiles after leaving his class.

Kaeidyn, I always know exactly what to expect when I go in for her. Her conferences always seem different too, because she is the only one of the kids who has ever had a male teacher – and this year, she has two! As usual, she’s extra chatty, however academically she’s right where she’s supposed to be, gets her homework in on time and is a great help in the classroom and around the school.

This year, they had sent home permission forms for the HPV vaccine. Kaeidyn’s in Grade 5. I decided, since it said that she could get it later on, that this year we would not get her the vaccine. She will most likely get it, but I’d just like to wait a little bit longer. Do some extra research and feel really confident about it. So, I refused her getting it this year and just wanted to check with her teachers that she could still get it in Grade 9. They weren’t 100% sure, but one of her teachers tried to convince me that I should do it and that it was best for her to do it and how he had read all these articles, blah blah blah. It was difficult for me to not snap at him that I had read articles too and I think I’m the one that gets to say what’s best for my daughter. But, I didn’t, I smiled and just said, “This is just what we’ve decided for right now”.

Needless to say, Kaeidyn’s conference had way too much talk about the eventual day when my daugther becomes sexually active. I was sweating profusely when I left her room.

Lastly was Kenzie’s conference. I was shocked, jaw gaping and all, when Kenzie’s teacher informed me that they had had some behavioural issues with Kenzie this year. Apparently, he’s not listening to one of the lunch supervisors and he’s got a friend with him and they’re both being, as the teacher put it, “monkeys”. She said she’s personally never experienced any issues, but this lunch supervisor has. He had to write an apology letter and ever since they haven’t had any other issues, but both of us couldn’t get over how unexpected it was of Kenzie. Other than all that, he’s doing a great job, especially in math.

I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and a lot of Simming lately. That’s pretty much all I’ve done over the last few days. I was shocked to wake up this morning to the house still being relatively clean, because usually the kids have it destroyed by the time we wake up. I’ve also been showing off a lot of my work in The Sims 4 over here, which has been quite a bit of fun. I don’t think I’ve ever stuck with a Sims character so long with such dedication.

Next up is turkey dinner on Monday, which I’m massively looking forward to. It feels like it’s been too long since I last had turkey! Plus, I get to see The Boyfriend’s family and that always feels like a treat. Then, back-to-school and regular life on Tuesday and an entire three days off for The Boyfriend, which I couldn’t be more excited about.

So what’s everyone’s turkey weekend plans? And for those of you who aren’t having a turkey weekend, that’s too bad for you 😉

 

Thank You for Being You

I’ve gone a little Sims mad…

For almost an entire week now, I’ve been absolutely obsessed with this game. Starting a legacy-esque challenge, was definitely not a good idea for my addiction level. However, it’s doing a great job of keeping my spirits up, which lately is not being an easy thing to do.

I’ve written a huge ton of posts over the last few days. I think the last time I went through my draft folder (this morning), I was up to 13 drafts – and that’s only in about three days. I keep writing and then completely losing my train of thought or getting distracted by something and then I can’t seem to pick it up where I left off. And when I return a couple days later, I no longer feel the same way I did when I originally wrote the piece, so I can’t even pick up then…

It’s odd that I’m struggling so hard with this depressed feeling. I’m not really depressed, it’s just I don’t know what other word could possibly fit instead. It’s kind of my way of using an umbrella term to describe a whole bunch of emotions that are all out of whack. I just feel a general numbness, a lack of emotion, if you will. And I seem to only be able to recognize the negative emotions, like anger or sadness or stress, and don’t even notice if there are any positive ones going on.

I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by the people I’m surrounded by, who understand that this is just sometimes the way things are. That sometimes Mommy needs a little extra space, or sometimes your girlfriend isn’t going to laugh at your lame jokes, or sometimes I’m going to tear up for no reason. And I’m glad that during those times, while I struggle to figure out how to deal, they struggle with me and eventually we figure out how to get to the point where I’m feeling the support they’re giving me.

We’ve been on a mission to get our house spotless over the last few days. We’ve got an inspection coming up, so it has to be cleaner than our normal clean. I always stress out so much more than I need to over these inspections, although for the most part, I’m dealing with that pretty well. The Boyfriend has been beyond wonderful in terms of helping with the cleaning.

One thing that’s pissing me off, but also makes me love him more, is how he gives me praise for things I haven’t done. Like yes, I’ve been cleaning, but really… It’s not nearly as much as I should be, especially over the last week, since I’ve been sleeping so much. Today, I puttered and got most of the kitchen done and the floor swept. When he got home and started cleaning himself, and the kids were going off about me not helping, The Boyfriend kept saying I had already done so much today, that I shouldn’t have to do anything more. It’s sweet, but it’s also a little bit annoying, because I feel like he’s delusional when he does that. And he’ll do it over everything that I feel like I’m failing at.

But he also knows that I’m in this rut right now, that I’m not sure what’s causing it, that it’s only been a few weeks since we had our really serious discussion and all that equals a boyfriend who is over-compensating to make sure I know he’s there and loves me. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

In a Rut and Slacking

I’ve been slacking something fierce the last little bit. Pretty much since the last post that I did and that depressed rut has been lingering about me ever since. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, just that it’s there hovering around me.

I’ve been writing a lot, probably a lot more than usual. Although I tend to force out a paragraph and then the screen-staring begins and I can never bring myself to push publish. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get all these paragraph-long drafts into something more than that, but it’s just not going anywhere.

It’s been cold, really cold, these last few days and I’ve been spending a huge portion of my day trying to hide from that. I can’t tell you how many times the house has to listen to me complain about it. I’m ready to get winter over and done with and it hasn’t even truly begun yet… It’s going to be a long couple of months!

I’m going out with my Mom tomorrow afternoon, which I’m definitely looking forward to. It’s been a bit since I got to get out of the house for anything other than errands that needed to be done, so I’m hoping it will be nice and relaxing. I have to decide what I want to do for the two hours we’ve got between dropping Carter off and picking him up, and I’m not exactly sure what I’m in the mood for. I wish we had a cooler museum or something…

I’ve been completely neglecting everything to do with The Erotic Writers Group, going on officially two weeks now. I am trying my best not to beat myself up about it but I totally am. Which I guess is better than just not caring… I have every intention of jumping back on that bandwagon and picking up exactly where we left off, but I’m having a hard time getting there…

I couldn’t even tell you what’s holding me back from getting anything out there, but I just kind of feel a little paralyzed every single time I try to do anything there. I go to write a blog post, paralyzed. I go to schedule up challenges, paralyzed. I go to work on ideas for other stuff related to the group, paralyzed. And I just can’t seem to get past it. Not sure why…

However, in all the stuff that I didn’t get done, I have been doing a relatively decent job in keeping up with the kids’ school work, I’ve been on The Boyfriend’s butt regularly about keeping up on the laundry, and I did finally get another photo installation up (finally!). So, three things checked off the never-ending to-do list that is my life…

I’m curious, what are some of the out-of-the-box alternative ways that you pull yourself out of a rut? How do you avoid getting trapped?