My sleep has just absolutely been sucking lately. I’ve managed to give myself a wicked headache almost every night before sleep for about a week now and waking up is just about the most impossible thing in the world for me right now.
The worst part of it all is the way that The Boyfriend is dealing with it. And I’m so unsure how to respond. I haven’t had this many sleeping issues since back when Alfie and I were still together. And when I’d sleep past noon and let the cleaning go by the wayside, it would be days and days of yelling and screaming, name-calling and on top of my own beating up of myself, there was his as well.
The Boyfriend on the other hand, comes upstairs and kisses me gently awake. It takes me a long time to respond to those kisses. I roll away from him, I stay asleep, and he’ll sit in the bed next to me playing on his cellphone. Then, when he’s officially ready to be done waiting, he’ll light a smoke. I often begin to stir, because the smell of smoke when I’m sleeping makes me immediately worry about fire. Then, when I begin the beating up myself for sleeping in past noon, he’ll wrap his arms around me and is the most comforting, “Oh, we don’t mind. It’s okay. You must’ve been really tired, because you didn’t flinch at all.”
A couple days back was a perfect example. I had planned the day before that we would wake up early the next day. The house is still mostly clean, but I wanted to get up early and just do some touchups. But the next morning, he was up early and I just could not open my eyes. When I did wake up, after noon, I immediately started in, “I can’t believe I slept that late.” and a whole bunch of profanities and negativity and he said, “It’s not like the house is that messy, so it’s no big deal that you slept in. If I were worried about it, I would’ve made sure you were awake.”.
My heart is so grateful to him and his wonderfulness and his understanding and his compassion and his support. My head is absolutely confused by it and also hates it all a little bit. So between my head and my heart, there’s a pretty big argument going on.
The rut that I’ve been in is not going away and I would argue that it’s getting worse. I seem to get through most of my day without being really aware of the feelings and then once the kids go to bed, I’m just bombarded with negative thoughts and feelings. I spent the night last night shushing myself to sleep, because my brain would just not stop making noise.
I’m refusing to call it anything close to depression, especially being that it’s not like any of my previous depressions. I’m still able to find stuff funny, I’m still able to laugh when my kids are being ridiculously adorable and I’m still interested in all my hobbies. The only part of it all that seems like depression is the very negative self-talk, the constant reeling of my brain and this overwhelmingly stressed out feeling. And a couple mini panic attacks, over things like cops parked outside of the house or the wind blowing just a little too hard.
Otherwise, it just feels like being kind of stuck. Can’t make any moves or do much of anything, just have to stay still. I call it a rut for exactly that reason. It’s like I was walking along one day and then I stepped down and fell into a rut. And now I’m trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it. And once I do, everything will be fine.
I keep thinking that I’m making some progress. Especially on those days when the waking up isn’t so hard, when the getting up and getting things done seems possible, it feels like I’m beginning my way out of it. And then the stupidest little things will throw me back down to the bottom of the rut and I have to start all over again. Lately, that stupid little thing is my sleeping habits.
I keep saying to myself, “Just get up. You just have to get up. It’s not that hard. One foot in front of the other. Get up!” and then I immediately feel like an idiot, because if it was just that simple, don’t you think I would do that. It always reminds me of the only time I’ve ever yelled at a doctor. She was going off about how I could “choose to be happy” and this was at the worst parts of my depression. I stood up and yelled at her, “If I could CHOOSE to be HAPPY, don’t you think I would?!? Why the hell else would I be here?!?”.
It’s a complicated time for me. Especially being that this is the first time I’ve ever experienced one of these situations without some kind of obvious trigger. Normally, this type of rut is brought on by finances or external stress, too much on my plate or relationships – something. But no matter how hard I search, I just can’t seem to find the thing that is keeping me here, in this perpetual rut. The only thing I keep coming back to is me. It’s all in my head. I’ve never experienced that before…