Always with the Planning…

I always forget how much being a few kids short totally relaxes and rejuvinates. You don’t realize how burnt out parenting is making you until you get a break, and then the whole world just feels a ton lighter.

Dealing with one kid instead of four of them is so crazy easy. Especially with Carter at the age that he’s at, where he’s easy to get interested in something. I have spent pretty much the whole day today in complete silence (outside of asks for drinks) and almost completely by myself, because he’s been having fun playing upstairs.

That being said, I do miss the older ones. Boy was it ever a good thing they left when they did, because that night we got a ridiculous amount of snow and the roads have been horrible. They’ll be coming home Sunday night, assuming that the roads aren’t absolutely terrible, so that will be nice.

Sometime this weekend, I’ve gotta go do some grocery shopping. I was supposed to go last weekend but kept procrastinating all week and now it needs to get done! When it’s cold outside, I’d rather just stay in my house. Unfortunately, that’s not really practical. So, I’m hoping tomorrow, I will get up the motivation to go out and get my grocery shopping done. I always hate doing it without The Boyfriend, but I gotta suck it up.

Then on Sunday, big house cleaning. I want to get so much done that it’s a little bit ridiculous and I’m sure that I’m not going to get it all done, but I’m hoping. I really want to clean my bookshelf again, because Carter absolutely destroyed it looking for a specific book. Now all my organized work is unorganized…

Plus, I’m only a few chapters away from the end of Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf, so I’m hoping this weekend will be the weekend that I finish it. Such a good read and I love how after every session of reading, I feel like I’ve learnt a little bit more about myself – even though the story is more of a autobiography of life as a girl in San Francisco during the ’70s (and I am only one of those things…), I’m finding a lot of it to be good conversation fodder. Just a few more chapters 😉

Well, now that I’ve unleashed my to do list on you, what are your plans for this upcoming weekend?

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A Brain Like Quantum Physics

I had inteneded to write so many different types of posts during my birthday week and I drafted about 5 or 6 starts to posts. I was in a terrible funk during the week of my birthday and then when that funk finally broke, I ended up getting sick. Some type of sinus-like infection – caused the whole right side of my face to swell up.

Needless to say, my computer (along with just about everything else) has been more than neglected…

I’ve also been getting these wicked migraines a lot lately. They come out of nowhere and the only thing that seems to get rid of them at all is sleep. Unfortunately, my sleep has been all over the place. I still seem to be having the worst time falling asleep at night, but the second the daylight hits, no issues with my sleep whatsoever (save for the children…).

Speaking of children, I get to get rid of three out of four of the kids for the weekend. I am so excited! The older three are heading out to their Dad’s and I honestly couldn’t be more relieved. It’s been a better week than most with the kids, but I could definitely use a nice relaxing break from them. Especially being that they all seem to be going through this big bad attitude thing right now that is so difficult to deal with.

The Boyfriend works the entire time the older ones will be gone and that’s kind of unfortunate – it’s never as much fun as it is when he has a day or two off. He’s been working a lot lately too, staying much later than ever before. We knew it was bound to happen with his promotion and with it gearing up for Christmas, it’s a non-stop constant thing for him. He takes so much pride in it all too, that most of the time that he’s home is spent thinking about work.

Things between him and I seem to be all over the place lately. And not on his part, but on mine.

One moment, I feel utterly and passionately, deeply in love with him. Like he’s the King of the World and could do no wrong. Then the next moment, I fell utterly and passionately disappointed in him, like he’s a crappy boyfriend and that we need to immediately end this relationship. I hate those moments – especially being that I can’t even figure out what the heck is causing them, I can’t figure out why I suddenly switch to such vile hatred, I can’t figure any of it out.

And I just totally wrote a lie… I’ve done nothing but try to figure it out and I have a buttload of answers. I have a buttload of petty, stupid, irrational answers. And then I spend all my time arguing with myself because are they really petty, stupid and irrational? I guess that’s just a matter of perspective. And I’m a person who can relatively easily imagine things from someone else’s perspective, which makes the internal argument I’ve been having with myself since my last rut that much more complex and difficult.

It’s not even because of anything that he’s doing. Any way that he’s being. It’s because of all the things he’s not doing and all the ways he’s not being and all the things he’s not saying…

It’s all been made worse by the addition of another year to my age. It’s so hard to explain any of all of this to a person who is not inside of my brain. Explaining my brain is like trying to explain quantum physics… It’s all so complicated, because there’s a lot of stuff bumbling around up there.

One day I’ll figure out how to explain it. Today is not that day. So I figure I’ll leave it at this…

Exploding Head Syndrome

I hate that I didn’t spend more of my teenage life reading. I mean, I read quite a bit during those years. Probably just a little bit more than the average teenager, but looking back on it, I wasn’t reading the right books.

Now, not only do I have a buttload of books that I’m trying to read and want to read but I also have all these blogs that I want to read, all these FetLife posts that are super important to read, all this information to consume. And there just simply isn’t enough time in the day.

Yesterday, we went down to visit my Mom and she decided a trip to Value Village was necessary. The kids were all so excited and my thoughts immediately went to books. The last time we were at VV, I got something like 6 books for $12 and one of them was my epic Sherlock Holmes (which I’m still in the process of reading). I love the book section here. Wouldn’t you know I found more books. So now, my bookshelf which is already so full you can longer see wood, has two new-to-me additions (plus a few more kids books), Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf and ManifestA by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards.

I started with Promiscuities because I read The Beauty Myth back in highschool. I’ve always loved Naomi Wolf’s style as a writer and find her writing to be so easily consumable.

It now takes the number of books I’m reading (and this does not include any I’ve started online – except Flatland) up to 8 – 8 books at one time! Which also wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I am certainly not dedicating enough of my life to all this reading. After realizing all this during a migraine last night and a grumpy wake up this morning, I have decided that I need to get some stuff in order.

I need to set aside a certain time each day to read my offline books – like an hour or a chapter of reading one of these 8 books every night. Then, I need to set a certain time each day to read all my online stuff – and this could potentially get up there in time, because there is just so much!

I haven’t even begun to actually follow blogs yet, just followed my followers back. I’ve taken no time at all to get comfortable with WordPress’ “Reader”, so that I can successfully do what I need to do with all the great stuff I’m reading. Everything’s just a little all over the place and I need to figure out what I need to do to change that.

I have all these plans and ideas. I want to get The Erotic Writers Group back up to full-steam by January, I want to blog about this and that thing and I want to post this and that, and I just have no focus with all these ideas bopping about in my head.

My head just feels a little bit like it’s going to explode. So much I want to do, so much that has to be done, so not enough time in the day or enough energy. Need to make some changes!

Finally Did It!

Well, it only took me forever and a day, but I finally got some stuff checked off my neverending online to-do list and I foresee a night filled with checking off more – assuming I don’t suddenly get ridiculously distracted.

My big “finally did it” moment came when I officially hit the publish button on a post asking for help with The Erotic Writers Group. It’s a pretty big step for me. I do really badly at asking for help in an online atmosphere and will often take on this, “I can do it myself” attitude. Over the years, I’ve learnt that this does not serve me well.

I often get to a point where I absolutely burn out with online work. It just becomes this overwhelming crazy thing to me and I get all caught up in the lack of things or the failure of things and can’t make myself do anything. I often walk away for extended periods of time and often times will just walk away all together – and I hate that and I want it to change.

I need a team. I need a group of people who are interested in some of these things too, so that I’m not so isolated in the backend. People who know what I’m talking about when I try to bounce ideas off of them. People to share this addiction of mine with.

Plus, I think The Erotic Writers Group is so much fun, so useful, so awesome, that I don’t want to walk away from this one. I don’t want to give up and I have so many ideas that I want to bring to life. So, I’m not ready to give up. But I’m definitely not ready to keep doing it alone, because it’s not sustainable.

I’m pretty excited to see what ends up happening from that post. It’s terrifying and awesome all at the same. We’ll see 😉

Nymphomaniac

Netflix recently added two titles that I decided to spend four hours on last night. Nymphomaniac Volume I and II. It’s one of the rare times I’ve left a movie on Netflix and had to give it a 5-star rating, because this movie seriously moved me.

I often have a huge attraction to these types of films for a whole lot of different reasons. Firstly, because they’re the only movies where women’s sexuality closely resembles my own desires, and you don’t feel isolated by that which you can’t relate to. I tend to be more moved by stories of highly sexualized women, because I am one.

Second, they are often very artistically done, and I can’t tell you how much I really appreciate that in a film. For example, Nymphomaniac started with a black screen and just sounds in the background. Then, there was a good few minutes where you were following sounds of a desolate alley as a light rain/snow fell – like the rain falling on the tin roof, or the squeak of a fan slowly turning, or the gentle clink of some kind of windchime. Scenes like this are so poetic to me and touch me on such a deep level. The movie is 100x better because of this small attention to detail.

Thirdly, these movies are often really great at making you think and use your brain – and movies like this always really excite me. They make you question your current ways of thinking about gender and the roles that plays in your life, sexuality and your thoughts regarding the whole spectrum of things that term encompasses, relationships and love and intimacy. All my favorite things to think about! I often walk away from these movies feeling like some profound change in my person has occured, and it’s one step closer to being the me I’ve always dreamed of being – and a movie that can do that to you… Pretty spectacular!

The Boyfriend came home from work about half an hour before I finished Volume II – the longer of the two movies. I paused to explain what was going on so that he could at least kind of watch, and in that paused time we talked and talked and talked. From his updates about work, to my thoughts about the movie so far, and even a quick run-down of the news aritcles we had both read throughout the day. Then, we watched the final thirty minutes.

Let me tell you, I was absolutely blown away by the ending. I was so upset by that ending (as I seem to be with many things that I’m watching lately), and I ranted and raved about the validation and then the sudden violation, I gawked and moaned. It was the perfect ending and the absolutely most terrible ending all in one swift blow and I loved it more for it and hated it all at the same time!

Since it was already getting late, The Boyfriend suggested we move upstairs. I had a feeling that we were probably going to get sexual with each other, but I wasn’t exactly sure since he was feeling pretty exhausted. After I laid down in bed and got all comfy, he kinda wrapped his arms around part of me so that he could lift me up on top of him. I was absolutely surprised to find him absolutely hard.

The sex was incredible! So incredible that out of nowhere, after years of begging, three hard slaps befell my rear and the experience from that point on was blissful. I had gone into the whole session thinking to myself that this and this and this thing was not going to happen because of all the denials that have been made to me. Like my go-to, I’m not going to give him oral sex unless he gives me oral sex – and all of those thoughts floated out of my mind and I couldn’t wait to give him more, give him anything.

And, after a really long time, too long of a time, I finally got oral. It felt so different than I remembered it, as I’m sure it always does after a long time of not having it. Two new modifications to a position spiced things up near the end and even though he basically begged for anal, we never actually got there. The orgasm, at the exact same moment, where I held him tighter than I ever have with my legs and arms wrapped about him and he gently kissed and stroked my neck and moved the hair out of my face, was the perfect cap to the incredible sex.

I rolled to the side, a sort of euphoric glow surrounding me, and he came up tight behind me and rubbed my arm gently before giving me the final kiss and saying “I love you”. I felt nothing but extreme gratefulness and absolute relief.

Today he kissed me and bit my lip gently as he pulled away. That grateful relief came flooding back to me.