A Brain Like Quantum Physics

I had inteneded to write so many different types of posts during my birthday week and I drafted about 5 or 6 starts to posts. I was in a terrible funk during the week of my birthday and then when that funk finally broke, I ended up getting sick. Some type of sinus-like infection – caused the whole right side of my face to swell up.

Needless to say, my computer (along with just about everything else) has been more than neglected…

I’ve also been getting these wicked migraines a lot lately. They come out of nowhere and the only thing that seems to get rid of them at all is sleep. Unfortunately, my sleep has been all over the place. I still seem to be having the worst time falling asleep at night, but the second the daylight hits, no issues with my sleep whatsoever (save for the children…).

Speaking of children, I get to get rid of three out of four of the kids for the weekend. I am so excited! The older three are heading out to their Dad’s and I honestly couldn’t be more relieved. It’s been a better week than most with the kids, but I could definitely use a nice relaxing break from them. Especially being that they all seem to be going through this big bad attitude thing right now that is so difficult to deal with.

The Boyfriend works the entire time the older ones will be gone and that’s kind of unfortunate – it’s never as much fun as it is when he has a day or two off. He’s been working a lot lately too, staying much later than ever before. We knew it was bound to happen with his promotion and with it gearing up for Christmas, it’s a non-stop constant thing for him. He takes so much pride in it all too, that most of the time that he’s home is spent thinking about work.

Things between him and I seem to be all over the place lately. And not on his part, but on mine.

One moment, I feel utterly and passionately, deeply in love with him. Like he’s the King of the World and could do no wrong. Then the next moment, I fell utterly and passionately disappointed in him, like he’s a crappy boyfriend and that we need to immediately end this relationship. I hate those moments – especially being that I can’t even figure out what the heck is causing them, I can’t figure out why I suddenly switch to such vile hatred, I can’t figure any of it out.

And I just totally wrote a lie… I’ve done nothing but try to figure it out and I have a buttload of answers. I have a buttload of petty, stupid, irrational answers. And then I spend all my time arguing with myself because are they really petty, stupid and irrational? I guess that’s just a matter of perspective. And I’m a person who can relatively easily imagine things from someone else’s perspective, which makes the internal argument I’ve been having with myself since my last rut that much more complex and difficult.

It’s not even because of anything that he’s doing. Any way that he’s being. It’s because of all the things he’s not doing and all the ways he’s not being and all the things he’s not saying…

It’s all been made worse by the addition of another year to my age. It’s so hard to explain any of all of this to a person who is not inside of my brain. Explaining my brain is like trying to explain quantum physics… It’s all so complicated, because there’s a lot of stuff bumbling around up there.

One day I’ll figure out how to explain it. Today is not that day. So I figure I’ll leave it at this…

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