I’m always completely surprised by how bitchy I can get when I’m not getting the sexual experiences that I want. Suddenly, I become someone I don’t recognize.
It’s not that I’m not getting sex, although I haven’t for the last few days thanks to a period. And all those days that I haven’t been getting sex, without even being 100% aware of it, I’ve been incredibly sexually needy. So much so that The Boyfriend has gotten head every single night for the last four nights and my orgasm hasn’t even been on the radar.
I’ve been having a lot of sex dreams or sudden midday “visualizations”. I wouldn’t say that they’re necessarily fantasies, because sometimes they’re not even of things that I want. Like for example, the other night, I started visualizing giving The Boyfriend head, but then another person appeared behind me. He roughly grabbed my hair and thrust himself hard and deep into my ass, shoving The Boyfriend’s cock deep down my throat, muffling the screams. After he came, The Boyfriend scooped me up and wooed me with plenty of “Good girls”, and slowly, intimately, nicely made love to my ass. And when the visualization was over, all I could think is that that is nothing that I’d ever want, what the hell?!?
However, all these sex dreams, visualizations, thoughts about sex, sex on the brain, it tends to get to me. First of all, my sex life is nowhere near what I thought it would be by now. I figured I’d have a girlfriend and a boyfriend by now, I’d be getting my pussy worhsipped and daily spankings and tied up in rope and punished and rewarded for my sexual behaviour. I figured I’d at least be getting some kinkier sex. But nope, still just the same ole vanilla sex – and I’m not complaining, because I love that sex, but it’s not what I had hoped for…
Second, I’m much more interested in sexuality than any of my partners ever have been. And they hook me by pretending to be interested in the beginning of our relationships and then six years into it become absolutely complacent. To me, sex isn’t just sex. I mean, it can be, but what’s the point of that when you’re intimately and lovingly sharing your sexuality with your monogamous partner. Not everytime needs to be magical but it should be something that you strive for every once and awhile.
And I’m not saying that he doesn’t at all, he just doesn’t often enough or in the right ways. I want someone who is going to explore my body the way I explore theirs. I want someone who is interested in tasting or even seeing my vagina, even half as much as I enjoy tasting and looking at and exploring his penis. I want someone who isn’t going to fall asleep when I’m left to masturbate at the end of an exhausting session. I want someone who will fulfill one of my fantasies, not because it’s his fantasy, but because it’s mine!
See, these times just make me one big ball of bitchy. It even begins to roll over into the non-sexual areas of life. Last night, I told The Boyfriend to force me to play guitar while we were at my Mom’s. Spent hours at Mom’s today and not once was it mentioned. And the thought that runs through my head is along the lines of, “He doesn’t care”, and it’s not true. I know it’s not true, he knows it’s not true, everyone knows it’s not true. But during these times, I can’t help but hate him a little.
I hate him because I want so desperately to not hate him and a little effort on his part would go a long way towards making me not hate him and that makes me hate him even more. And then I rationalize with myself and I say, “But he works hard all day” and “He deals with so much at work” and “The kids have been a handful”, and I hate him even more for being such an amazing guy, so amazing that I can’t just hate him.
It’s very confusing for my brain, not to mention how confusing it is for my body.