Giving the Cold the Cold Shoulder

Have I ever told you how much I hate the cold?

I hate the cold more than just about anything else in the entire world. I hate living in stupid Alberta where more often than not, it’s cold. I hate how cold sticks to your bones and causes your entire body to tighten up. I hate how it’s not easy to just go for a walk or kick the kids outside, because everyone has to find a million things before they can even set foot out there. I hate how late I sleep because the thought of removing myself from beneath my warm blankets is just too much to bare. And I hate how I spend entire days just downright grumpy because my stupid fingers won’t work because of the stupid cold.

Okay, I’m breathing. It’s okay. I think I’m done. Phew!

You know what, no… I’m not done. One more thing! What I hate the absolute most, more than the actual cold itself, is the tease of warmth prior to being slammed back into a terrible cold. That is the absolute worst. You start feeling all good, you wear your hair up because your ears are no longer cold and you finally get to see what your winter jacket looks like without eight sweaters under it and your walk is no longer an icy mess and then wham! All hope is pulled right out from under you and Summer seems like it’s never going to happen, and even if it does, for how long?!?

There… Now I’m done.

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A Mundane Dose

I had gone to bed last full of plans for today (and by today, I really mean yesterday, but I haven’t slept yet, so today…) – so many plans that The Boyfriend was actually rolling his eyes at me. Then the alarm went off this morning. I decided right then and there that today was not going to be nearly as productive as I was planning for it to be.

For the first time ever, I was wrong!

It felt like time was moving by so slowly and I started getting frustrated with the fact that I hadn’t heard The Boyfriend leave to get coffees yet. I came downstairs with the initial plan to just go back to bed but ended up staying downstairs and waiting as The Boyfriend took Carter to school and then got coffees.

I played some Minecraft for awhile. This needs to be explained a little bit. When we first got Minecraft, however long ago, I was super obsessed with it. I was playing almost daily, learning how to use redstone, building metropolis’ – I mean, nothing ever got finished, but I was making some pretty awesome stuff. And then the kids and The Boyfriend all became super obsessed with it. I was able to make it through when everyone was watching tutorial videos but when they all started watching stuff about mods and these crazy creations from Minecraft YouTubers and they all started building better and cooler things than I could even come up with, I lost interest in the game.

I also have a lot of other stuff going on, so playing games like Minecraft (which is incredibly easy to waste an entire day on), is not such a great idea…

I abandoned it for quite a long time and recently, due to beacons, I started experimenting with it again. However, when I say that I played Minecraft, what I really mean is that I loaded up a map, explore it until I died and then started a new map. Normally that would be in creative and I’d build just long enough to decide that I hate the whole thing and I’ll start a new map. And it’s this constant and never-ending play a map for a few minutes, make a new one, play for a few minutes, make a new one – and that’s playing Minecraft for me right now.

So, I played Minecraft for a bit and then The Boyfriend mentioned that he had to run in to work. Part of the big plan for this weekend was to go grocery shopping. We didn’t get it done over the weekend but if he was going to work anyway, he might as well pick up some of the groceries while he was there. But then I started thinking that it would be smarter for me to go.

He’s a great shopper, don’t get me wrong. He buys all the right brands that we all like, picks out the right food and can recognize a great bargain. My only complaint is that unless specifically instructed, he shops for like two meals at a time or breakfast, lunch and dinner for two days. And I know his thinking is that he can pick up whatever we need on his next day of work, but I’m just better at the whole buying bigger quantities for less – mainly because it’s the only way I’ve ever shopped.

We went back and forth forever and eventually ended up deciding that we would go shopping. The Boyfriend had to be at work at a specific time, so we went to our first store to get the bulk of our shopping done. I told him I could do it half an hour or less and exactly half an hour later we were walking out spending $100 less than I had planned to spend! Then we went over to his work and he did what he had to get done while I picked up the rest of the groceries, and because that’s what you do when you’re shopping at Wal-Mart, I even ended up getting a few things that weren’t on my list.

It’s not that I’m really great at shopping overall. If I had to shop for anyone else but my family, I’d be screwed. But shopping for my family, I just always surprise myself at how good I can be at it sometimes. How my bad math ends up working in my favor a lot of the times and how I can be so fast and efficient and it just generally fills me with a great sense of pride. I like that feeling in mundane doses 😉

So after shopping was all done, we came home and while it took me forever and a day to get motivated to move at all, The Boyfriend and I ended up tidying up the kitchen. Now tomorrow, which I have tons of plans for, will already be one step closer to done. Finally, I made steak and fries for dinner (which was utterly delicious) and sat down with the family to watch a couple of episodes of Full House and That 70’s Show on Netflix before sending the kids off to bed.

All in all, I couldn’t have planned it any better!

 

Been Awhile, I Know…

I didn’t mean to stay away so long. It’s just that a whole lot of nothing has been happening around here lately. I’ve been hard at work on website stuff and creating and deleting maps on Minecraft. The kids have had a ton of days off school, so they’ve mostly been gaming it up. And The Boyfriend has been working a lot of “late shifts”, so there’s been lots of late nights and late afternoons…

We’ve all been working our butts off to keep a cleaner house. I think it’s part of impending spring weather that’s got us all busying ourselves with tidying. And while we spend at least an hour a day doing something towards keeping the house clean, it just seems to get so messy so fast. It’s absolutely depressing.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, cleaning my house is the equivalent of absolutely off-the-rocker insanity. I’ve never seen the kids work so hard to clean up after themselves and while I’m sure that you can tell as an observer, but as the ones living it, it just seems like we’re getting nowhere. Just as one area is clean and you move onto the next, that first area is now destroyed and you know in mere moments the next will be the same.

I know that I’m not alone in my plight and I’ve heard from other Mom’s with four kids that it’s a near impossibility to keep it really clean and I’m obviously okay with that. But I do seriously wish that it was all a little bit more manageable. One day, I’ll have a maid or a troop of maids, and then I won’t have to worry about it. For now, I’ll just rant…

Other than that, not too much has been going on around here. I kinda like it that way 😉

I Fought and He Fought Back!

I wasn’t entirely expecting to get any sex last night. I mean, I was because it was a night off for him, but I wasn’t because I hate to be disappointed by his exhaustion. But when I mentioned watching porn (which we haven’t done in a really long time together), we both excitedly decided it was bedtime.

We ended up getting stuck on a couple themes when we were picking. First, I chose brunettes. I’m a brunette, I tend to feel most comfortable and therefore more aroused watching brunettes. The first video had a teacher theme. Books fell on the floor. I was offended and slightly more turned on by it. The Boyfriend and I talked extensively about that.

I spent most of the time we were watching porn with his cock in my mouth. He’d move to make it easy for me to watch and lick and I’d lazily drag my tongue all over him or rest my head on his stomach while I watched the videos. It went from teachers/students to secretaries/bosses, both things that we seem to really like the idea of. We both think it would be fun to play both roles and whenever we’re watching secretary ones, I always say that he needs to get an office of his own (one day…!).

I’m always surprised by how absolutely wet I get just from putting his cock near my mouth. It doesn’t make any sense to me, because while I definitely do enjoy the heck out of it, I don’t feel like I’m getting that aroused by it. But then, I open my legs and I’m just absolutely soaked. It makes me want to do it more and more because I love how no matter how often it happens, I’m still surprised every single time!

Although he really wanted me to be on top at some point, it never ended up happening. We both got so caught up in the moment that it didn’t even matter. When he first got on top of me, it was just our normal, regular, everyday kinda sex. My hands were in his hair, he was supporting himself with one hand as his other hand cupped my breast and he sucked on my nipples. And then I raised my hips a little bit…

He grabbed my legs and pulled me up around him and delighted in how deep he managed to get and especially in my reaction. My legs slung up around his shoulders, he pulled me hard onto him and I flinched away from the sensation of him as deep as he was. He smiled so big at that flinch and all his muscles suddenly flexed.

He bounced my legs up until my thighs were resting on his arms and grabbed my arms and pinned them down to the bed as he thrust himself so deep into me that I immediately began fighting against him. But he just re-positioned his grip and slammed into me again. I kicked out my legs, I thrashed my arms, I pushed against him as hard as I could and while I succeeded in pushing him back, he was quickly back on top of me, holding down my arms and kissing me as hard as he could. I fought and he fought back.

My hand felt his hair and that was it, I was defeated. I wrapped my arms around his neck and put my fingers into his hair, wrapping my legs completely around him and kissing him frantically. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer and closer into him until he was sitting back on his feet and gently rocking beneath me.

He lowered me back down to the bed and watched my breasts bounce as he casually pounded me. Something about this always really turns me on. I mean, first of all, as a girl who used to have really small boobs that I was deeply self-concious about to now having fair size, pretty darn sexy boobs, I love watching my breasts bounce. They didn’t used to do that! Then, when he gets that look on his face, like he’s now in his mode and he’s got the hang of this and he’s feeling all confident and his ego (among other things) has been stroked – I just love that look on him. I think to myself that I had a part in that face.

I came quickly and he knew I wasn’t going to be ready to stop, so he kept on going. We were going to change positions, but he could tell that I was already close to a second orgasm and he was ready for his at any time, so we just kept going. It took longer than we were both expecting and I was covered in sweat by the time we got there, but I said “I’m cumming” and he was right along behind me. I wrapped my legs and arms around him in the heat of it and we laid there for a few minutes completely consumed and engulfed in each other.

It took mere seconds to fall asleep after that…

 

A Secondary Partner… Not So Crazy, Right?

Being a high sex drive kinkster with a low sex drive vanilla partner in a monogamous relationship is just about the hardest thing ever.

I reached that breaking point again last night. That point where I’m sick of putting my desires aside, sick of putting my sexuality on the back burner, and blurted out again that I wanted a secondary partner.

It seems to happen every single time we get here. I don’t want him to be something he’s not, but I don’t want to deny myself something that I so desperately desire. Like my favorite part of Nymphomaniac, I want him to be Shia Leboeuf and tell me that I’m a tiger and I need to be fed… Alas, he doesn’t and I’m left wanting more.

It’s terrible because I have this intense internal war with myself that seems to grow and build and grow and build. I feel guilty for my desires a lot of the time because they seem so all consuming. Maybe it’s because it’s the only complaint we have in our relationship, but it feels like it’s this huge unsolvable problem. And my desires are the cause of that problem, my constant, nagging, neverending urge to have sex and then have more sex and give head and orgasm. And then, I argue that I shouldn’t feel guilty for these desires because they are the most normal desires in the whole entire world. I beat myself up for feeling guilty because I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to be my “authentic sexual self”.

And by the time the internal war is raging beyond bloodshed in my head, I have no choice but to blurt out these thoughts. Because he falls asleep on me during yet another attempt at a second orgasm, I am pushed over the edge on the internal war, and with him going to graveyards soon, I am just terrified of what it’s going to be like.

If at this moment, I feel like I’m not getting enough sex, not getting enough of the kind of sex I want, not being sexually satiated, then how the hell am I going to feel when he’ll basically be incapable of having sex at all in a few months?!?

And yes, there are workarounds and it’s not like I won’t be getting any action at all. I did get pregnant with his child while he was working graveyards, so it’s not like it’s total celibacy. But, I just can’t see it being a better situation than we have now and I definitely can’t see it staying like this…

I hate that in these moments it seems like the only logical move is to break up, because I feel like it’s so irrational. But then I do stuff like go to groups on FetLife for kinksters with vanilla partners and I think back to conversations on the web from long ago, and I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is that he will probably never suddenly become kinky and we will have to “compromise”. And by compromise, I mean that he will continue to get what he wants and I’ll continue to get nothing that I want, except the irregular vanilla sex session.

So, I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner. What I really want is for him to wake up and become the man of my dreams, or at least put some effort into becoming the sexual partner I deserve!

I deserve someone who is going to worship every single curve of this body that has brought four beautiful children into the world and nursed them and raised them. I deserve someone who will hunger for the taste of me and relish in the delicate folds of my wet lips. I deserve someone who will nurture my intelligence and care for my mind. I deserve someone who will sacrifice sleep just to watch me orgasm one more time. I deserve someone who cares enough to be that someone…

I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner, because I don’t expect him to miraculously change. I know that he can’t give me it all, especially being that there’s a lot of it. And like I said to him, “It’s not that you’re inadequate. It’s that I’m a lot. It’s ridiculous to think that one person can handle it all!” – and I honestly believe that.

He says an absolute no to the secondary partner idea every single time. It’s an immediate response. I don’t know why I expect anything different every single time, but I do. And I am disappointed every single time.

The exact same conversation plays over and over at this point. Me going on about how a secondary partner isn’t that outrageous of an idea, that I can’t stand the way this makes me feel, drudging up deep and profound thoughts on my sexuality. He basically sits there pouting and every once and awhile will interject something about jealousy or how my feelings on this whole thing make him feel insecure.

The conversation always ends with no resolution, no solution, nothing. Basically, we both spout and then act as if the whole thing never happened. Normally, I’ll get really great sex that night – not kinky or anything and he’ll probably still fall asleep as I attempt my second orgasm – but great sex. And in a few weeks time, this whole process will repeat itself.

How many years can a person survive like that?

Time for the Neglect to End!

I have been neglecting The Erotic Writers Group and our #WritingChallenges for two weeks now. I hate it and I’m ready for the neglect to end!

I’m blaming it on a few different things. First, the massive amount of graveyard shifts The Boyfriend has been working lately. I think he’s up to four so far. I guess it’s part of preparing him for full-time graveyards or something, since he’ll be going to that sometime near his birthday. I cannot tell you how unhappy I am about it and yet, how happy I am for him about it.

I know he really liked working graveyards. He also seemed to be able to progress through the ranks faster when he was working graveyards, whereas on days, he’s been stuck for a really long time. I know that for him, graveyards is a better deal. So, I’m happy for him but I’m dreading the whole graveyard thing…

It screws with my sleep so much. I stay up later on nights before he works, getting ready for the shift with him. I sleep later because as long as he’s still in bed, I stay in bed. I need to get to a place where I can just carry on as if he’s not working graveyards… Maybe that will come after the first 3 months or so…

I’ve also been busy offline, trying to keep the house clean. It is not being an easy task at all. Now that we’re cleaning more often it seems like the house is getting dirtier so much faster. It’s truly exhausting and I have officially decided that when I win the lottery (after I start playing), my first mission is to get a housemaid, because I’d like to retire from the duty of cleaning altogether.

I made the boys cleaning out the toy box yesterday and you cannot believe how much that seemed to cheer me up. Getting rid of all the broken and mismatched toys was just about the best thing ever. However, now they’ve discovered toys they haven’t seen in months from the bottom of the toybox and so toys are strewn everywhere right now. It’s a bit of a pain, but it’s one of those ones that you end up being grateful for.

So, my goal this weekend is to get back to our #WritingChallenges for #EroticWriters, complete a project that I’ve been working on for about a week (and that I’m keeping mum about it until it’s done) and keep my living room clean for the whole weekend! Plus, I’ve got dinner down at my Mom’s, where I plan to play guitar for at least 2 hours. So, YAY for the weekend!!

Anyone got any big plans for Valentine’s Day?

Dream Fighting

Last night, I dreamt that The Boyfriend and I had a massive fight. It was probably the best thing that could’ve happened, because having that fight in real life would’ve sucked. Having it in my dreams meant that I was able to get all the crap off my chest without hurting anyone’s feelings or saying things that I don’t actually mean.

It always happens when I officially reach that point where I’m no longer sexually satiated. Typically, I last about three days after the last orgasm, and then I start to get cranky and irritable. If I was single, I know I can go months and months. But when he sleeps next to me, smelling the way he does and all shirtless and sexy, three days is the longest I seem to be able to get.

And he’s been holding out on me something fierce.

I could understand it more if I, in anyway, required him to do any of the work during one of our sexperiences. I have made it abundantly clear to him that I count his orgasm, and his orgasm alone, as the orgasm that begins the three day limit. I don’t need sexual intercourse to feel sexually satiated. I receive so much pleasure from his pleasure that the experience doesn’t need to culminate with my orgasm – and so, even a blowjob or handjob would do me well!

But, he’s holding out on me something fierce.

I want so much more than he’s giving me sexually and it’s very frustrating. I don’t want to force him to do anything with me or force him to be a certain way with me sexually, but I sincerely wish that he would choose to take strides to be more of the sexual mate that I desire. It would be entirely different if I didn’t clearly define it for him on a regular basis, than I could understand his lack of motivation or his uncertainty. But I tell him what I want and how I want it, it would be nice if he could choose to do some of those things for me.

Especially being how quickly I’ll do them for him. I don’t know how many times I have to reference it, but I don’t enjoy anal sex. However, I don’t reject the possibility of it because I know that he does enjoy it. There’s also the whole thing where he mentions a fantasy and that night gets to live it out, but I mention a fantasy and immediately get turned down. It just feels like I’m giving and giving but getting very little in return and that can be an incredibly irritating experience.

Plus, he’s holding out on me something fierce.

Lately, our actual sexperiences have been lacking for me, but only because of one thing. We start with a lot of foreplay for him. Then, it’s sex. Normally, we orgasm together or he gets me to orgasm first. Albeit, all my orgasms are from my hand and my hand alone. The sex though, is always incredible. Typically, my first orgasm comes on really suddenly and fast and doesn’t last very long. It feels like a pre-cursor to the main event and this almost always results in me craving a second orgasm.

This is where it begins to lack. By this point, he’s typically orgasmed. He lays beside me and places his hand on my leg and starts to fall asleep. He’ll rub his fingers across my skin and then begin to doze off, and then will wake suddenly and rub his fingers and then begin to doze off. I stay in this place where my orgasm is literally just a certain touch away for such a long period of time and instead of focusing on my orgasm, I start to think about him and his lack of interest and his obvious thoughts about my sexuality and how much I bore him and stay in that place for such a long time.

By the time I actually get the second orgasm out, because I have to or I know that I will spend the next however many days until he decides to put out again in aroused agony, it is an orgasm that leaves me feeling dirty and empty and full of shame, anger and disappointment. It’s negativity overshadows the sexperience, no matter how positive, how amazing, how mind-boggling it is.

The talks we have about it in real life, often end up leaving us both just feeling defeated. They are mostly unproductive, we both say a lot of things we don’t mean to say the way we end up saying them – so it results in a lot of hurt feelings over things that probably wouldn’t hurt so much if we just said it differently. Solutions are incredibly difficult to come by, especially being that his sex drive just doesn’t adhere to any of the solutions…

I am glad that the fight over sex happened in my dreams this time. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had chipped off a chunk of weight from my shoulder. I felt less angry, I felt like I had gotten petty and useless stuff off my chest and I didn’t feel like telling him he sucked, my code phrase to him that I’m officially at my limit.

The first thing I said to him this morning was that I fought with him about our lack of sex last night in my dreams. He bowed his head and apologized, then kissed me on the cheek. Somehow, I felt better.

Drained…

The last few days have not been very good. I’m blaming it on PMS, because I can and because it’s the only reason I can think that just suddenly, out-of-nowhere, I’m hit with this utterly drained of life feeling.

I woke up one day, just not feeling like myself. I was feeling pretty down about everything and tears kept coming to my eyes over the stupidest little things. I was getting easily upset by the little things that the kids were doing and just being so moody. And then, it just seemed to get worse.

That was about three days ago and I just can’t shake this drained type of feeling. I can’t say what particular emotion it is exactly, because it doesn’t really feel like one. I feel like I’m really old. My body has been hurting a lot and I know that it’s because my brain is hurting somewhere.

I don’t know where it spurred from, but I just started looking at all the areas of my life in which I feel like I’m failing. And it seems like every few months, this list grows exponentially. And then I get incredibly overwhelmed by the list and this whole thing happens.

I’ve been experimenting with things that will rid me of this feeling. First and foremost, decluttering my online space. This probably attributed to the beginning of the downward spiral but ultimately, I think it will beneficial. The last time I tried to declutter my online space, I basically gave up and left a lot of loose ends all over the place. I had been defeated. This time, I’m determined not to be defeated.

In some cases, this means trying to clear up stuff on the web from over five years ago and I can hardly remember yesterday. It’s been a frustrating experience to say the least, although the more I get done, the better it feels. However, until it’s done, I just can’t seem to focus on anything.

So, that’s where I’m at. Unable to hold my focus, feeling sore, feeling old, and just a little worn out…

 

What is with guys and anal sex?!?

I’ll never understand it. I know that it’s mostly because I don’t have a penis and can’t know the difference in sensations between anal and vaginal penetration. But I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

I could understand if I had a really hot ass, but I don’t. I’m not saying it’s not a hot ass, but I wouldn’t look at it and immediately think, “Oh, that’s fuckable!”. It’s the one area of my body that is just kinda super meh. Pre-fourth kid it was a really great ass, now it just desires to be.

But this doesn’t seem to matter and never has.

I have never ever been with a guy who isn’t utterly obsessed with the idea of anal. My first boyfriend, who was literally my first everything, was very interested in it. However, when we discovered that it hurt me, we both became more interested in anal penetration for him. My second boyfriend, and the father of my older three kids, could not get enough of the idea of it. We tried many, many times but I was always in the wrong headspace for it, so it always ended up hurting really bad. However, this didn’t stop him from trying at all.

Finally, The Boyfriend… He was the first one to have successful anal. Our first anal session still goes down to this day as one our most memorable sexperiences together. And since that first time, there has been about four more successful sessions. That being said, there’s been quite a few more failed attempts.

I had wanted to be an anal whore pretty badly as I emerged sexually. The very first porn I ever watched was titled something like “Anal Exploration” and I desperately wanted to do “that“. But anal is just one of those ones that I like thinking about more than I like doing. No matter how often I try, no matter what we do to change it, more often than not, I don’t enjoy anal sex.

I’ve always been the girl that wants to fulfill his every fantasy, so I pride myself on being incredibly open to sexplorations. I’m also the girl who receives a great deal of pleasure from my partner’s pleasure. I will do a lot of things that I don’t necessarily enjoy simply because he does. Anal sex is one of those things. For some reason, guys really seem to get off on anal sex. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, I don’t understand – I just know that they do.

I know that they do, because no matter how many times we’re all hot and heavy and he goes for anal and I turn him down and the hot and heavy cools off to a chilling degree, no matter how many times that scenario plays out, he still tries like he was never denied.

Honestly, I can’t say I hate the persistence. But seriously, what is with guys and anal sex?!?