Last night, I dreamt that The Boyfriend and I had a massive fight. It was probably the best thing that could’ve happened, because having that fight in real life would’ve sucked. Having it in my dreams meant that I was able to get all the crap off my chest without hurting anyone’s feelings or saying things that I don’t actually mean.
It always happens when I officially reach that point where I’m no longer sexually satiated. Typically, I last about three days after the last orgasm, and then I start to get cranky and irritable. If I was single, I know I can go months and months. But when he sleeps next to me, smelling the way he does and all shirtless and sexy, three days is the longest I seem to be able to get.
And he’s been holding out on me something fierce.
I could understand it more if I, in anyway, required him to do any of the work during one of our sexperiences. I have made it abundantly clear to him that I count his orgasm, and his orgasm alone, as the orgasm that begins the three day limit. I don’t need sexual intercourse to feel sexually satiated. I receive so much pleasure from his pleasure that the experience doesn’t need to culminate with my orgasm – and so, even a blowjob or handjob would do me well!
But, he’s holding out on me something fierce.
I want so much more than he’s giving me sexually and it’s very frustrating. I don’t want to force him to do anything with me or force him to be a certain way with me sexually, but I sincerely wish that he would choose to take strides to be more of the sexual mate that I desire. It would be entirely different if I didn’t clearly define it for him on a regular basis, than I could understand his lack of motivation or his uncertainty. But I tell him what I want and how I want it, it would be nice if he could choose to do some of those things for me.
Especially being how quickly I’ll do them for him. I don’t know how many times I have to reference it, but I don’t enjoy anal sex. However, I don’t reject the possibility of it because I know that he does enjoy it. There’s also the whole thing where he mentions a fantasy and that night gets to live it out, but I mention a fantasy and immediately get turned down. It just feels like I’m giving and giving but getting very little in return and that can be an incredibly irritating experience.
Plus, he’s holding out on me something fierce.
Lately, our actual sexperiences have been lacking for me, but only because of one thing. We start with a lot of foreplay for him. Then, it’s sex. Normally, we orgasm together or he gets me to orgasm first. Albeit, all my orgasms are from my hand and my hand alone. The sex though, is always incredible. Typically, my first orgasm comes on really suddenly and fast and doesn’t last very long. It feels like a pre-cursor to the main event and this almost always results in me craving a second orgasm.
This is where it begins to lack. By this point, he’s typically orgasmed. He lays beside me and places his hand on my leg and starts to fall asleep. He’ll rub his fingers across my skin and then begin to doze off, and then will wake suddenly and rub his fingers and then begin to doze off. I stay in this place where my orgasm is literally just a certain touch away for such a long period of time and instead of focusing on my orgasm, I start to think about him and his lack of interest and his obvious thoughts about my sexuality and how much I bore him and stay in that place for such a long time.
By the time I actually get the second orgasm out, because I have to or I know that I will spend the next however many days until he decides to put out again in aroused agony, it is an orgasm that leaves me feeling dirty and empty and full of shame, anger and disappointment. It’s negativity overshadows the sexperience, no matter how positive, how amazing, how mind-boggling it is.
The talks we have about it in real life, often end up leaving us both just feeling defeated. They are mostly unproductive, we both say a lot of things we don’t mean to say the way we end up saying them – so it results in a lot of hurt feelings over things that probably wouldn’t hurt so much if we just said it differently. Solutions are incredibly difficult to come by, especially being that his sex drive just doesn’t adhere to any of the solutions…
I am glad that the fight over sex happened in my dreams this time. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had chipped off a chunk of weight from my shoulder. I felt less angry, I felt like I had gotten petty and useless stuff off my chest and I didn’t feel like telling him he sucked, my code phrase to him that I’m officially at my limit.
The first thing I said to him this morning was that I fought with him about our lack of sex last night in my dreams. He bowed his head and apologized, then kissed me on the cheek. Somehow, I felt better.