That Particular Ex

I had an incredibly rough weekend that ended up being much more emotional than it should’ve been. I seriously have to give the biggest props to The Boyfriend for knowing just exactly how to support me without me once needing to ask for a single thing. He was clingy and cuddly at the perfect moments and gave me my space exactly when I needed it. I am incredibly lucky.

It started at my Mom’s. We had been asked to help my cousin move, so Mom volunteered to take the kids for the night. The Boyfriend had worked the night before and worked his butt off moving everything and we were both pretty exhausted by the time we got back to Mom’s at about nine.

Carter suddenly decided he wanted to come home. Originally, The Boyfriend and I were okay with him coming home. But then Mom wanted him to stay. Of course, by this point she had already started drinking, and instead of being nice to us about him staying, she snapped that we weren’t allowed to take him home and that he was staying with Grandma tonight. Now, I know that she meant it playfully and I know that she wasn’t trying to be rude, but my exhausted brain and The Boyfriend’s exhausted brain took it all as horribly offensive.

Just as we convinced Carter to stay, she threw up her hands and said “Whatever, take him home!” and the whole drama-for-no-reason just hit me. We made Carter stay, because he decided he was good, and when we left, I broke down in tears. It took me a bit to realize why I cried as hard as I did…

We got home and The Boyfriend and I enjoyed some quiet time together. It was honestly a seriously beautiful night and around midnight, we headed up to our room and commenced an intense blowjob session. Sleeping came easy.

Three hours later, our doorbell rung. It was Alfie. He had come into town for a night rather suddenly. He kept saying that it was because he missed the kids and wanted to see the kids. About an hour and a half into his early morning visit, I get a message from an ex-girlfriend of his asking where he is. Turns out, he’s not actually here to see the kids. He’s here to get a booty call from his ex but his phone died and so he didn’t have her address. So instead of going anywhere else or figuring anything else out, he came here.

I’ve been prepared for Alfie to start hooking up with other people for quite a long time now and I’ve been curious about how I might react. With Alfie, I was incredibly jealous and very possessive, although not entirely for the wrong reasons being that he was unfaithful… But I never in a million years thought that he would get back together, in anyway, with this particular ex.

This particular ex is tied pretty closely to our relationship. He broke up with me twice to be able to get into this girls pants. Each time they dated for less than two weeks and each time, he came crawling back to me. Each time, I was stupid enough to take him back. Everytime he came back to me, she’d start calling me constantly, threatening to beat me up, as soon as I wasn’t pregnant…

Alfie and I always had a “thing”. Well really, we had a lot of “things”. But one of our most notable “things” was roses. When we first started dating, he said something along the lines of, “Of all the flowers in the garden, you are the sweetest rose”, and that was it, roses became “our thing”.

After every stay in the hospital, after every fight and after every child, even when he proposed, I got 13 red roses. And every rose I ever received had it’s petals carefully picked after dying and stayed stored in a bag our entire relationship. For one of our anniversaries, he got me a silver rose that was engraved. It was a big deal.

When Alfie and his ex hooked up the second time, he gave her my rose…

This particular ex left a seriously sour taste in my mouth and after Alfie and I broke up the final time, she decided she was over Alfie and tried to become my friend. It’s been a rather unsuccessful journey for us, though I have babysat her kids and we are Facebook friends. We agreed, her and I, that Alfie would be off limits to us both from now on. Alfie agreed that she would be off limits.

I mean, I wrote my best and most saddest song about this particular ex…

So, to not only catch him trying to hook up with her, but also to get the information straight from her before him, seriously broke my heart. I spent an entire day and a half in a deep, dark funk. The amount of disrespect I feel he has for me is just so intense to me.

He tried to compare it to The Boyfriend and I, because The Boyfriend used to be his friend. That’s how I met The Boyfriend, through Alfie. And Alfie had always feared that The Boyfriend and I would get together. It was his worst nightmare coming true. However, before anything even began to happen between The Boyfriend and I, before we even began flirting with each other, I went to Alfie (even though I didn’t have to, he had broken up with me) and asked him how he would feel if The Boyfriend and I hooked up or started dating. I asked him for permission to make any advancements with The Boyfriend and he said yes.

I have outright said no, and I’ve asked so freaking nicely.

He made it sound like he understood and like he wasn’t going to do anything. But then she called… She called my phone… He said that he couldn’t come over just yet because he was planning on taking the kids to breakfast. I went and got the kids early from Grandma’s so that they could spend the day with their Dad. Turns out, it was only breakfast. The moment that was done, he was off to her. Except he couldn’t remember her address, so after leaving for an hour, he was back on my doorstep asking if he could use my phone to message her. Like a sucker, I let him…

We are so civil to each other when we’re around one another. It feels like we’ve both moved on and away from hatred and bitterness. But his actions this weekend feel like utter contempt for me. And I have to wonder what the hell I ever did to him to make him hate me so much? To make him disrespect me so blatantly?

I’m more or less over the whole thing now, assuming it was just a booty call and doesn’t become a relationship – because that, I don’t think I can deal with at all. Mainly because I can’t stand the concept of that particular ex being my baby’s step-mom. I actually already know that will have negative effects on absolutely everyone, and most especially him.

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I feel old…

I’m not exactly sure how long this feeling has been brewing, but it’s officially beginning to boil over and the kettle’s beginning to scream.

I can’t tell you exactly what the feeling is. It’s a mixture of a whole bunch of negative things and some really positive things and it’s honestly just a big ball of mess. It’s like tangled up yarn that I’m not prepared to start unraveling.

There’s been a lot of stuff going on in the world around me the last little while. A lot of stuff that I feel completely detached from, even though they’re happening right in front of me and all over me.

Everyone seems to be moving forward and upward at this incredible speed. My kids are all getting older and smarter and better at everything. My partner is making advancements in his job and reaching huge milestones in a persons life. Everyone is in motion towards something, be it teenagehood, middle-age, middle-school or management. Everyone is moving.

Everyone but me. And honestly, I don’t want to move. And that right there is the entire freaking problem…

I’ve written about five posts in the last two days trying to hash out all the stuff that’s going on and all the ways I feel about it and all the crap that’s going through my head, but I just can’t seem to put any of it into words at all – in print or verbally.

The Boyfriend’s been asking, he’s been patiently trying to get me to talk to him about whatever is on my mind, but I just don’t know how to formulate the words and when I do come up with words, they’re all the wrong ones. None of what I say is what I want to say…

Ugh, I said I was going to get a post out today. There’s my post…

Video

Bound to You

For the past few years on my FetLife profile, it has had some variation of this line included in it:

“I am in a monogamous vanilla relationship with The Boyfriend and you could say that that is the closest I get to bondage.”

I’ve often thought that this amazing song by Christina Aguilera (from Burlesque), sums up the sentiments of this line and therefore our relationship perfectly.

“Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?… I am bound to you”. Beautiful!

Sweet love, sweet love
Trapped in your love
I’ve opened up, unsure I can trust
My heart and I were buried in dust
Free me, free us
You’re all I need when I’m holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to you

So much, so young, I’ve faced on my own
Walls I built up became my home
I’m strong and I’m sure there’s a fire in us
Sweet love, so pure
I catch my breath with just one beating heart
And I embrace myself, please don’t tear this apart

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to

Suddenly the moment’s here
I embrace my fears
All that I have been carrying all these years
Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?
Fall

I can trust and boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
And finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am, ooh I am
I’m bound to you

We Sexted!!!

I love how, even after seven years of being together, The Boyfriend can still leave my mouth gaping in shock. I love how, even after a thousand and one sexual encounters, we can still have ones that just absolutely blows my mind.

I lay down, getting ready to watch a show and then go to sleep, when The Boyfriend texts me.

“I wish you drove. You could come by at lunch for a quickie. How awesome would that be?”

And I burst out laughing at the total unexpected-ness of it. Since when does my boyfriend even consider quickies?!?

So I respond, “Where would we sneak off to?”

Next thing you know, for the first time ever in our relationship, The Boyfriend and I are sexting. Now, I’m not new to sexting, he totally is. But this particular night, I felt like he was stealing my sexting virginity more than I was stealing his.

This experience was so much not like any other that I have ever had, in regards to technology and sex (sexting, cybering, camming, etc.). I mean, first and foremost, I’ve never done any of those things with people I was in relationships with. That right there completely changed the experience for me. Half the time, all I’d ever seen of the person was what they revealed online – so again, a big change.

But I just could not get over the fact that that was my boyfriend on the other end of the phone. I knew that he would be skillful with his words, because he does enjoy writing, but I didn’t expect him to be so good with the erotic words. I didn’t think he’d be good at setting up a scene, but I was so wrong.

For the first time ever in a sexting experience, I was not the one in control of the whole thing. Normally, I’m the one describing the scene, I’m the one using the sexy words, and the other person is responding with “Mm hmm” and other filler words. Not this time. I was the filler and he was in total control, and I felt so awkward the entire time, even though I had a raging lady boner going on.

He sent me a picture. I could not believe it as I quickly and eagerly pressed download. Let this just sink in for a minute. My boyfriend, the vanilla, won’t-try-anything-because-somehow-it-is-all-morally-wrong, introverted, button-down shirt wearing guy, the one who says no to my every fantasy, sent me a picture while he was sexting with me.

Mind-fucking-blown!!!!

He carries on skillfully crafting the most amazing story of us, his office and his desk. He claims it’s a quickie, but describes an elaborate and loud scene of amazing foreplay and sex. He asks for a picture from me and I happily oblige. Things get a little hotter and I send him another picture.

My phone rings and he finishes the story and begs me to cum over the phone for him. I don’t even remember anything that was said but again, sensual voice, amazing words – it took no time at all. I begged him to get a video of him finishing up.

The next day, we both spent the entire day desperate to feel each other, but it was a busy day. He had to sleep, we had family around, lots of kids, there was hardly any chance for anything. We waited all day, exchanging glances and subtly rubbing up against one another, and by the time bedtime rolled around and the house quieted, we were both more than ready to go.

We both whipped off our pants as fast as possible. We had fifteen minutes before he had to leave for work. A quickie on the couch was almost as good as the quickie on the desk that he had described and we both came quickly, with just enough time for final cuddles and lots of kisses before he left for work.

The hardest part about these graveyards is adjusting our sex life to fit the new schedule. It’s great when he takes the time to connect with me, especially when it’s through sexting, in the middle of the night. I just love how even after all this time together, he can make me fall in love with all over again, because it’s just that little extra effort.

I understand that you can’t do all the kinky things for me, but can you at least try? And sexting is a great first step!

The Last Week…

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last wrote… It’s not for lack of things to write about or even a lack of desire to write about them, I just haven’t had a chance to get on my computer at all this last week. And then when I have had the chance, it’s the very last thing I’ve wanted to do.

This last week has been incredibly stressful. First, The Boyfriend went back to work after having a week off and he’s officially back on graveyards. I cannot tell you how mixed my emotions surrounding this have been. Then, we had our bi-annual inspection today and that always brings me more stress than is necessary.

I’ve spent the last week in a total and exhausting funk. And we knew that it was going to happen, as it almost always does during inspection time, and I warned The Boyfriend ahead of time. Unfortunately, the first week back on graveyards is always all consuming and so there was a definite feeling of lacking support this week that just made everything so much worse than usual.

Kaeidyn and I were trading off the stress about the inspection for the entire week. One minute I’d be all worked up and then just as I’d start to calm, she’d get all worked up and we just kept going back and forth like that constantly.

Our house got incredibly cleaned, which is the good thing out of all of it. Our floor finally got the mopping it was desperately craving, the snow melted enough that we were able to clean up most of the yard and we’ve decided that eventually we’re doing a big dump of all the clothes that we’ve managed to amass in our basement – most of which have been in the basement for months…

I was so upset last night. I was up late finishing up the last little bits of cleaning before inspection day and all of a sudden I hear a sound. Next thing I know, Kenzie’s puking all over all the cleaning I had just finished. Today, all the boys had upset stomachs and headaches. I hate when they all get sick all at once, because it’s always that much more overwhelming. Although it’s nice that it’s over and done with quicker.

I’ve been neglecting all my computer-related stuff for the last week and haven’t even checked in on most of it, other than the notifications I get on my phone. I’ve been thinking about blogging a lot and I’ve decided that I really want to change my blog theme and update it a little and stuff. I feel like it needs it or something. But I imagine it will take a few days before I make an official decision and then it will take a week or two to get it all changed and set up the way I like. But I’m thinking about it…

I’ve also been spending some time reading through my blogs from four or five years ago and it’s giving me some ideas for posts in the future and some other stuff, so I imagine that’s going to be an interesting little thing to explore as I get re-acquainted with my computer, now that my funk can be over for a little bit now.

It’s His Party, I’ll Buy Toys If I Want To…

NOTE: This post was originally added on FetLife. I have updated it to include the stuff that I can check off my bucket list.

It’s been a long time in the making. We’ve been talking about getting new toys for years now, I’m not even kidding you. And normally, things get in the way, life gets in the way and it gets pushed further and further onto the back burner.

[See – TO GET: A Sex Toy… Any Sex Toy]

On a whim tonight, I decided, since it’s his birthday in a day, that I might get that dildo that we’ve been talking about getting forever. This led me on a hunt. A hunt that has resulted in great excitement on my part.

They’re not really presents for him. They’re presents for him in the sense that they’re presents for me. But, my orgasm is kinda like a present, right?!? They had a sale and a couldn’t resist.

So, in the next 5-7 days, I will have a brand new vibrator. A brand new black vibrator. I haven’t had a vibrator in so long that I can’t even remember what a vibrator feels like. I only remember orgasming easier thanks to it. Plus, I’m very excited about the black – I’ve never had a black sex toy before!!

Then, because they were on sale, I grabbed a thing of Japanese Silk Rope. Again, we keep saying we’re going to this. I’ve been saying it much longer than he has and in terms of anything kinky, this is the only thing he’s ever shown interest in. Although I know that getting him to take the time to learn how to use it will be a whole other issue entirely. But at least I can learn and that’s a present to us both!

[See – TO GET: Rope and a Rope Tote]

Next, I got a Wartenberg wheel. I cannot tell you how much I have yearned for one of these babies. I can only imagine what it would feel like rolling over sensitive breasts and oh my god, the back and butt. Just tingles everywhere thinking about it – and that’s only what I can imagine. This one cannot get here fast enough!

Last but not least, I took the ultimate plunge. He said, “You should buy lingerie” and now I can say, “You can’t use that excuse anymore!”. I don’t know how it’s going to fit, what’s it going to look like, if it’s a good buy, basically nothing. I know that it was what they said my size was (based basically on my current clothing size, because ain’t nobody have measuring tape – not the kind that bends anyways…) and that it was on sale. I’m telling you people, none of this would have happened if it weren’t for the sale and 25% off…

[See – TO GET: Lingerie… Lots of Lingerie]

In buying the lingerie, I will have my first ever in The Boyfriend and I’s relationship g-string (I’ve had thongs, but never g-string) and a peek-a-boo babydoll thing. I don’t even know how to talk about lingerie, but I plan to post pictures when we get them.

This is quite possibly going to be the best birthday yet. Can’t wait!

A Secondary Partner… Not So Crazy, Right?

Being a high sex drive kinkster with a low sex drive vanilla partner in a monogamous relationship is just about the hardest thing ever.

I reached that breaking point again last night. That point where I’m sick of putting my desires aside, sick of putting my sexuality on the back burner, and blurted out again that I wanted a secondary partner.

It seems to happen every single time we get here. I don’t want him to be something he’s not, but I don’t want to deny myself something that I so desperately desire. Like my favorite part of Nymphomaniac, I want him to be Shia Leboeuf and tell me that I’m a tiger and I need to be fed… Alas, he doesn’t and I’m left wanting more.

It’s terrible because I have this intense internal war with myself that seems to grow and build and grow and build. I feel guilty for my desires a lot of the time because they seem so all consuming. Maybe it’s because it’s the only complaint we have in our relationship, but it feels like it’s this huge unsolvable problem. And my desires are the cause of that problem, my constant, nagging, neverending urge to have sex and then have more sex and give head and orgasm. And then, I argue that I shouldn’t feel guilty for these desires because they are the most normal desires in the whole entire world. I beat myself up for feeling guilty because I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to be my “authentic sexual self”.

And by the time the internal war is raging beyond bloodshed in my head, I have no choice but to blurt out these thoughts. Because he falls asleep on me during yet another attempt at a second orgasm, I am pushed over the edge on the internal war, and with him going to graveyards soon, I am just terrified of what it’s going to be like.

If at this moment, I feel like I’m not getting enough sex, not getting enough of the kind of sex I want, not being sexually satiated, then how the hell am I going to feel when he’ll basically be incapable of having sex at all in a few months?!?

And yes, there are workarounds and it’s not like I won’t be getting any action at all. I did get pregnant with his child while he was working graveyards, so it’s not like it’s total celibacy. But, I just can’t see it being a better situation than we have now and I definitely can’t see it staying like this…

I hate that in these moments it seems like the only logical move is to break up, because I feel like it’s so irrational. But then I do stuff like go to groups on FetLife for kinksters with vanilla partners and I think back to conversations on the web from long ago, and I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is that he will probably never suddenly become kinky and we will have to “compromise”. And by compromise, I mean that he will continue to get what he wants and I’ll continue to get nothing that I want, except the irregular vanilla sex session.

So, I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner. What I really want is for him to wake up and become the man of my dreams, or at least put some effort into becoming the sexual partner I deserve!

I deserve someone who is going to worship every single curve of this body that has brought four beautiful children into the world and nursed them and raised them. I deserve someone who will hunger for the taste of me and relish in the delicate folds of my wet lips. I deserve someone who will nurture my intelligence and care for my mind. I deserve someone who will sacrifice sleep just to watch me orgasm one more time. I deserve someone who cares enough to be that someone…

I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner, because I don’t expect him to miraculously change. I know that he can’t give me it all, especially being that there’s a lot of it. And like I said to him, “It’s not that you’re inadequate. It’s that I’m a lot. It’s ridiculous to think that one person can handle it all!” – and I honestly believe that.

He says an absolute no to the secondary partner idea every single time. It’s an immediate response. I don’t know why I expect anything different every single time, but I do. And I am disappointed every single time.

The exact same conversation plays over and over at this point. Me going on about how a secondary partner isn’t that outrageous of an idea, that I can’t stand the way this makes me feel, drudging up deep and profound thoughts on my sexuality. He basically sits there pouting and every once and awhile will interject something about jealousy or how my feelings on this whole thing make him feel insecure.

The conversation always ends with no resolution, no solution, nothing. Basically, we both spout and then act as if the whole thing never happened. Normally, I’ll get really great sex that night – not kinky or anything and he’ll probably still fall asleep as I attempt my second orgasm – but great sex. And in a few weeks time, this whole process will repeat itself.

How many years can a person survive like that?

Dream Fighting

Last night, I dreamt that The Boyfriend and I had a massive fight. It was probably the best thing that could’ve happened, because having that fight in real life would’ve sucked. Having it in my dreams meant that I was able to get all the crap off my chest without hurting anyone’s feelings or saying things that I don’t actually mean.

It always happens when I officially reach that point where I’m no longer sexually satiated. Typically, I last about three days after the last orgasm, and then I start to get cranky and irritable. If I was single, I know I can go months and months. But when he sleeps next to me, smelling the way he does and all shirtless and sexy, three days is the longest I seem to be able to get.

And he’s been holding out on me something fierce.

I could understand it more if I, in anyway, required him to do any of the work during one of our sexperiences. I have made it abundantly clear to him that I count his orgasm, and his orgasm alone, as the orgasm that begins the three day limit. I don’t need sexual intercourse to feel sexually satiated. I receive so much pleasure from his pleasure that the experience doesn’t need to culminate with my orgasm – and so, even a blowjob or handjob would do me well!

But, he’s holding out on me something fierce.

I want so much more than he’s giving me sexually and it’s very frustrating. I don’t want to force him to do anything with me or force him to be a certain way with me sexually, but I sincerely wish that he would choose to take strides to be more of the sexual mate that I desire. It would be entirely different if I didn’t clearly define it for him on a regular basis, than I could understand his lack of motivation or his uncertainty. But I tell him what I want and how I want it, it would be nice if he could choose to do some of those things for me.

Especially being how quickly I’ll do them for him. I don’t know how many times I have to reference it, but I don’t enjoy anal sex. However, I don’t reject the possibility of it because I know that he does enjoy it. There’s also the whole thing where he mentions a fantasy and that night gets to live it out, but I mention a fantasy and immediately get turned down. It just feels like I’m giving and giving but getting very little in return and that can be an incredibly irritating experience.

Plus, he’s holding out on me something fierce.

Lately, our actual sexperiences have been lacking for me, but only because of one thing. We start with a lot of foreplay for him. Then, it’s sex. Normally, we orgasm together or he gets me to orgasm first. Albeit, all my orgasms are from my hand and my hand alone. The sex though, is always incredible. Typically, my first orgasm comes on really suddenly and fast and doesn’t last very long. It feels like a pre-cursor to the main event and this almost always results in me craving a second orgasm.

This is where it begins to lack. By this point, he’s typically orgasmed. He lays beside me and places his hand on my leg and starts to fall asleep. He’ll rub his fingers across my skin and then begin to doze off, and then will wake suddenly and rub his fingers and then begin to doze off. I stay in this place where my orgasm is literally just a certain touch away for such a long period of time and instead of focusing on my orgasm, I start to think about him and his lack of interest and his obvious thoughts about my sexuality and how much I bore him and stay in that place for such a long time.

By the time I actually get the second orgasm out, because I have to or I know that I will spend the next however many days until he decides to put out again in aroused agony, it is an orgasm that leaves me feeling dirty and empty and full of shame, anger and disappointment. It’s negativity overshadows the sexperience, no matter how positive, how amazing, how mind-boggling it is.

The talks we have about it in real life, often end up leaving us both just feeling defeated. They are mostly unproductive, we both say a lot of things we don’t mean to say the way we end up saying them – so it results in a lot of hurt feelings over things that probably wouldn’t hurt so much if we just said it differently. Solutions are incredibly difficult to come by, especially being that his sex drive just doesn’t adhere to any of the solutions…

I am glad that the fight over sex happened in my dreams this time. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had chipped off a chunk of weight from my shoulder. I felt less angry, I felt like I had gotten petty and useless stuff off my chest and I didn’t feel like telling him he sucked, my code phrase to him that I’m officially at my limit.

The first thing I said to him this morning was that I fought with him about our lack of sex last night in my dreams. He bowed his head and apologized, then kissed me on the cheek. Somehow, I felt better.

Sexual Bitching

I’m always completely surprised by how bitchy I can get when I’m not getting the sexual experiences that I want. Suddenly, I become someone I don’t recognize.

It’s not that I’m not getting sex, although I haven’t for the last few days thanks to a period. And all those days that I haven’t been getting sex, without even being 100% aware of it, I’ve been incredibly sexually needy. So much so that The Boyfriend has gotten head every single night for the last four nights and my orgasm hasn’t even been on the radar.

I’ve been having a lot of sex dreams or sudden midday “visualizations”. I wouldn’t say that they’re necessarily fantasies, because sometimes they’re not even of things that I want. Like for example, the other night, I started visualizing giving The Boyfriend head, but then another person appeared behind me. He roughly grabbed my hair and thrust himself hard and deep into my ass, shoving The Boyfriend’s cock deep down my throat, muffling the screams. After he came, The Boyfriend scooped me up and wooed me with plenty of “Good girls”, and slowly, intimately, nicely made love to my ass. And when the visualization was over, all I could think is that that is nothing that I’d ever want, what the hell?!?

However, all these sex dreams, visualizations, thoughts about sex, sex on the brain, it tends to get to me. First of all, my sex life is nowhere near what I thought it would be by now. I figured I’d have a girlfriend and a boyfriend by now, I’d be getting my pussy worhsipped and daily spankings and tied up in rope and punished and rewarded for my sexual behaviour. I figured I’d at least be getting some kinkier sex. But nope, still just the same ole vanilla sex – and I’m not complaining, because I love that sex, but it’s not what I had hoped for…

Second, I’m much more interested in sexuality than any of my partners ever have been. And they hook me by pretending to be interested in the beginning of our relationships and then six years into it become absolutely complacent. To me, sex isn’t just sex. I mean, it can be, but what’s the point of that when you’re intimately and lovingly sharing your sexuality with your monogamous partner. Not everytime needs to be magical but it should be something that you strive for every once and awhile.

And I’m not saying that he doesn’t at all, he just doesn’t often enough or in the right ways. I want someone who is going to explore my body the way I explore theirs. I want someone who is interested in tasting or even seeing my vagina, even half as much as I enjoy tasting and looking at and exploring his penis. I want someone who isn’t going to fall asleep when I’m left to masturbate at the end of an exhausting session. I want someone who will fulfill one of my fantasies, not because it’s his fantasy, but because it’s mine!

See, these times just make me one big ball of bitchy. It even begins to roll over into the non-sexual areas of life. Last night, I told The Boyfriend to force me to play guitar while we were at my Mom’s. Spent hours at Mom’s today and not once was it mentioned. And the thought that runs through my head is along the lines of, “He doesn’t care”, and it’s not true. I know it’s not true, he knows it’s not true, everyone knows it’s not true. But during these times, I can’t help but hate him a little.

I hate him because I want so desperately to not hate him and a little effort on his part would go a long way towards making me not hate him and that makes me hate him even more. And then I rationalize with myself and I say, “But he works hard all day” and “He deals with so much at work” and “The kids have been a handful”, and I hate him even more for being such an amazing guy, so amazing that I can’t just hate him.

It’s very confusing for my brain, not to mention how confusing it is for my body.

Your Safeword is Bananas

Yesterday, The Boyfriend was convinced that he had to be at work for 9 AM. We woke up early and everything so that we could have coffees before work and it was the first time in weeks that I’ve been up way before noon. At about 8:30, he left for work and I started my online work.

An hour and a half or so later, he shows back up. Turns out he was closing, so he would have to go back to work later. He sat down next to me and played on his phone as usual. After a little bit, he turns and says to me, “God, you look good giving head” – here he is, on his phone, finally watching some of the videos we’ve made. I giggle as he continues to watch and he mentions that maybe when Carter goes to school we can have a quickie before work.

The day carries on and then he goes and drops Carter off at school. When he gets back, he sits for maybe 20 minutes and then whips off his pants, grabs my ponytail and directs my mouth to his already stiff self. I happily oblige. After another 20 minutes, he says that we’re going upstairs.

We both race up there and remove the rest of our clothing in a hurry. I lay back on the bed and he swiftly penetrates me, all the while kissing any piece of skin that comes near his lips. I have my first orgasm very quickly and his response to that first orgasm was purely epic. He pushed himself deeper and deeper, very slowly and stayed so still, me shaking furiously beneath him. And he kept kissing me everywhere.

He asks me to get on top of him for a little bit. As soon as I get up there, he says somethng like “You’re so sexy” and it always throws me off my game a little. I want to contradict him and be like, “Seriously?”, but I don’t. He absolutely delights in my breasts when I’m on top – he can’t even see any of the other flaws because all he sees is boobies. I was shaking so bad that I could hardly move an inch. Didn’t help that he kept reaching his hands between my legs to play with my clit, causing me to quiver violently.

He sat up and took my breasts hard into his mouth and wrapped his arms about my body, pulling me in so tight to him that I could feel his heart beating against my stomach. He gently laid me down without ever leaving me, and began to whisper in my ear.

I didn’t hear all of what he was saying. I heard the words “slowly, deeper” and “you have five minutes to cum or…” and “You’ll be saying ‘No Daddy, No’, and my brain and body turned into mush. He doesn’t have a particularly sexy voice but the second he does that whispering thing during sex… Geesh, just thinking about is making me a little hot.

He turns so that he can see the clock and he’s watching the minutes tick by as he continues to thrust. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what he’s got planned, when he suddenly pulls back and roughly turns me over. His hand pushes down on my upper back and he says firmly, “Your safeword is bananas”, and I melted beneath him.

He thrust hard into my pussy and roughly penetrated my ass with his finger. I yelped into my pillow, trying my hardest to muffle my overly loud sounds. After a few moments, he was trying hard to get his dick in my ass. The first push, I thought I could take it. The second push, I noticed myself tightening up. The third push, which seemed so much harder than the rest, caused me to pull up away from him and he whispered, “Are you okay?” and I moaned. The fourth push caused me to shake and everytime I tried to relax, the shaking in my legs and back began so violent, I said bananas…

He continued from behind but left my ass alone and it took no time at all for him to orgasm, thrusting so hard and so deep that I felt like I was going to burst. He asked if I was okay again and I purred into him, “Better than okay” and he laid back, both of us sweating in places we haven’t sweat since the summertime.

We finished with just enough time for a smoke before he had to leave for work. The rest of the day, bananas were on my brain. As I walked to pick up Carter, my legs still jelly-like, a dorky smile graced my face as bananas floated through my mind. As I watched TV and made dinner, I kept thinking “bananas” and when he came home from work, the first thing I said to him was bananas.