Thank You for Being You

I’ve gone a little Sims mad…

For almost an entire week now, I’ve been absolutely obsessed with this game. Starting a legacy-esque challenge, was definitely not a good idea for my addiction level. However, it’s doing a great job of keeping my spirits up, which lately is not being an easy thing to do.

I’ve written a huge ton of posts over the last few days. I think the last time I went through my draft folder (this morning), I was up to 13 drafts – and that’s only in about three days. I keep writing and then completely losing my train of thought or getting distracted by something and then I can’t seem to pick it up where I left off. And when I return a couple days later, I no longer feel the same way I did when I originally wrote the piece, so I can’t even pick up then…

It’s odd that I’m struggling so hard with this depressed feeling. I’m not really depressed, it’s just I don’t know what other word could possibly fit instead. It’s kind of my way of using an umbrella term to describe a whole bunch of emotions that are all out of whack. I just feel a general numbness, a lack of emotion, if you will. And I seem to only be able to recognize the negative emotions, like anger or sadness or stress, and don’t even notice if there are any positive ones going on.

I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by the people I’m surrounded by, who understand that this is just sometimes the way things are. That sometimes Mommy needs a little extra space, or sometimes your girlfriend isn’t going to laugh at your lame jokes, or sometimes I’m going to tear up for no reason. And I’m glad that during those times, while I struggle to figure out how to deal, they struggle with me and eventually we figure out how to get to the point where I’m feeling the support they’re giving me.

We’ve been on a mission to get our house spotless over the last few days. We’ve got an inspection coming up, so it has to be cleaner than our normal clean. I always stress out so much more than I need to over these inspections, although for the most part, I’m dealing with that pretty well. The Boyfriend has been beyond wonderful in terms of helping with the cleaning.

One thing that’s pissing me off, but also makes me love him more, is how he gives me praise for things I haven’t done. Like yes, I’ve been cleaning, but really… It’s not nearly as much as I should be, especially over the last week, since I’ve been sleeping so much. Today, I puttered and got most of the kitchen done and the floor swept. When he got home and started cleaning himself, and the kids were going off about me not helping, The Boyfriend kept saying I had already done so much today, that I shouldn’t have to do anything more. It’s sweet, but it’s also a little bit annoying, because I feel like he’s delusional when he does that. And he’ll do it over everything that I feel like I’m failing at.

But he also knows that I’m in this rut right now, that I’m not sure what’s causing it, that it’s only been a few weeks since we had our really serious discussion and all that equals a boyfriend who is over-compensating to make sure I know he’s there and loves me. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

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Just a Quickie

I’ve been stuck in a bit of a depressed rut for the last couple of days. I woke up one morning, just hating the whole entire universe and all of existence, and it took me a few days to shake it. If I’m being completely honest, who knows if I really have.

I tend to get to this point now where I just hate the depressed feeling. I hate the fatigue, I hate the body pain, I hate the constant edge of tears, I hate how defining what your feeling seems like the most pressing issue you’ve ever faced. I hate it and I get incredibly bored of it. So, I just walk away from it.

I know I’m making it sound really easy, but you have to remember that I’ve been suffering with depression for a good number of years, so it’s a little different when you teach yourself to live with it.

The kids have all been a little out of control this past week and that just adds to every bit of inadequacy that I may feel. They get out of school and are all grumpy and pestering each other. We get home and it’s immediate mess-making time. And they seem to have everlasting energy that absolutely drains the parents. Add to that the fact that they are all refusing to listen and it’s just a big headache.

I’ve been slacking in just about every area. From letting a lot of my cleaning slide and basically ignoring my computer, I just have felt very much like curling up into a ball and sleeping. How The Boyfriend deals with it and doesn’t get frustrated and fed up is beyond me, because I find it to be an impossible time – even if it only lasts a few days.

I ended up supporting FetLife on a whim this week, so now I can go further back in my feeds and watch videos and stuff. That’s been quite a fun experience and I was delighted to get to see a few videos that you can’t find on the average porn site (although I make the strong argument that when there is no sex, it’s not porn). I also finally updated some more of my profile, which I’ve been working on doing for months now.

Then, again on a whim, after deciding that I wasn’t going to, I bought The Sims 4. I had said I wasn’t going to because the specifications all said that it wouldn’t run on my laptop. But then The Boyfriend kept telling me, “Everyone said that Warcraft wouldn’t run on my computer and yet it did” and my sister had bought it on her less awesome computer than mine, so I figured I’d give it a shot. Imagine my excitement when it totally worked! Although surprisingly, I haven’t played it nearly as much as I was expecting I would.

This week, I’ve gotta try to get some stuff done. I’ve gotta force myself to get up off my butt and do something. Getting all the cleaning that I keep putting off done would be a start. I also really want to do some reading and writing – now that I’m finished Brave New World, I’m right into The Bell Jar and got about 4 chapters through it during my last bath.

Well that’s basically all I have to say, just wanted to do a quick update 😉

Sick and Trying to Write

First week of school done, first snowfall of the year and everyone is getting sick! Carter started two days ago with a runny nose that has now turned into a full-out cold. Kenzie started last night and I woke up this morning with a very prominent tickle in my throat. Which means that by tomorrow, I will be incapacitated to my chair under a big fluffy blanket and the most you’ll get out of me is a cough here or there.

I hate getting sick. It’s just about the worst thing. They’re always worse than you think they’re going to be, they always make you feel gross for days and just when you get over one, another one is just around the corner. It’s very depressing.

And that’s right, I said above snowfall. That dreadful white stuff, which we weren’t supposed to get, started falling and ever since the weather has been some slushy rain coldness. Needless to say, it’s been freezing cold and none of us were prepared for it. Stupid Alberta…

Not too much else has been going on. I got through another bunch of chapters of Brave New World and am enjoying the story immensely so far (also started a story inspired by it…). The Boyfriend and I worked our butts off the other day to get the kitchen clean, even pulling out the fridge – which was definitely needed! Other than that, it’s mostly be computer time for me.

Lots of The Sims 3 being played, tons getting done for The Erotic Writers Group and have spent the last couple of days testing out Scrivener. It was suggested by the group and so far, I’m liking it for organizing story pieces. I’m still setting up all my folders and backend stuff, so that I get into the crunch of writing some of The Brighton Tales, because seriously, I am so ready for this story to be out of my head, on paper, for consumption.

I’m having a really difficult time on choosing a name for the female slave in this story, which is making the writing much more difficult. Up until now, I’ve mostly just referred to her by pronouns and when I’ve written something that requires a name, I’ll just little brackets, because I’m not exactly sure what I want to call her. I know that I want her to have a normal “Brighton” name (although, what is that even?!?) and then she gets called the same thing as all the other slaves once she’s ritually taken by Atticus. What to call her, hell, even what to call the slaves – haven’t quite figured that out yet…

Slaves are even the wrong word to use for those in service to the Kingdom of Brighton. I hate when the words trip you up on the writing!

All-Nighter and Busy Day Off

The Boyfriend and I are notorious for planning to wake up early on his day’s off. And every single time we make the plan, it’s the one morning that the kids decide to be perfect angels and let us sleep in ridiculously late. The likelihood of us waking up early on a day that we plan to do just that is absolutely a zero…

To combat this, we will decide, rather spontaenously that instead of worrying about the planning and the sleeping in, that we’ll just pull an all-nighter and that way we can be sure to be up at those early hours we originally planned for. Tonight, is one of those nights…

We have a ridiculously insane day planned for tomorrow and I’m sure that this all-nighter is going kick my butt for a good week, but I cannot let another day go to absolute waste. We had plans to get some of this stuff done today but then all our plans fell apart and we only have tomorrow left to get it done before The Boyfriend goes back to work and I’m left to do it alone – something I’m looking forward to less than the week of bruised bottom…

First, back-to-school shopping. I’m sure I’ve moaned about this whole school thing so much already, but that’s exactly how much I’m dreading it… We took the four confusing lists and combined them into one epicly long and confusing list. The kids really want to come with us and The Boyfriend really doesn’t want them to come with us – so I’m feeling a little torn as the tie-breaker. Plus, all that money…

Then, dinner at my Mom’s, which I’m absolutely looking forward to. It’s the Sunday that I get roast and mashed potatoes and gravy – and that the kids get kicked outside and I don’t have to worry about them leaving the yard, and that I get to play guitar!! I’m so excited 😉

Finally, we have to come home and clean! clean! clean! No seriously, we must clean! This, I am not so excited about. Especially being that I’ve done so much of it already this week! But I want to do a super good deep clean. Like an in-my-oven type of clean…

I imagine The Boyfriend and I will make it home after dinner and then pass out…

I Love Productive Days!

It happens so rarely for me and that absolutely needs to change, but I seriously love really productive days. They just make me feel so very accomplished – even if when I’m done, I feel utterly exhausted!

Last night, I decided that I wanted to get up when The Boyfriend got up for work. And imagine how excited I was when I was awake before his alarm even went off! I waited for coffee and jumped out of bed when he got home. I had stuff to do!

So then, shortly after he left for work, I checked the first to-do on my list off of it. The kids and I walked down and registered Carter for Kindergarten (cannot believe my youngest is now in school – what am I going to do with myself?!?) and ensured the other kids were set to start. It took us just under an hour to complete the whole thing, including the walk to and from the school and this alone made me feel really really good.

Got home and sat for a little bit, debating whether or not the day was going to be a productive one or not and then, went out to the kitchen to grab a drink and next thing you know, I’m power cleaning the kitchen. Sweat was literally pouring off my nose! But, so clean!! Floor swept, walls washed, dishes done, surfaces cleaned and I’m even cleaning out the garbage can really good! Still arguing with myself about whether or not I’m going to do the oven – will most likely leave it until later on tonight, after the kids have gone to bed.

I’ve also written two blog posts so far today, with a definitive plan for a third and I even hope to get next week’s challenges all cued up (since I finished this week’s last night) – which means that I’m at least 4 days ahead of schedule on my usual challenge tasks.

The kids are even enjoying the productive day, although they are being much less productive. But they have been better behaved all day today than I’ve seen them in months and it’s just generally being a great day!

Lesson learnt today: Wake up earlier! Makes me more productive which gives me that nice accomplished feeling I love so much 😉