Already Almost 2015…

It’s been quite a bit since I last wrote and I left off in a rather gloomy place. Mostly, I’ve barely been getting on my computer. We’ve been quite busy over the last little bit and The Boyfriend has had a number of days home, thanks to a nasty round of colds going through the house right now, so the computer has been neglected heavily.

So, when I last wrote, I was having quite the overall issue with a terrible rut I was stuck in. At this point, I’m pretty happy to report that it’s mostly dug out of. I get a whiff of it every once and awhile, but it’s been about three days now of relative fresh air. A lot of the ranting I was doing was related to The Boyfriend and our relationship, and although we haven’t exactly dealt with anything, we have had some pretty serious conversations over the last little bit. I wrote two posts that will probably never see the light of day about those conversations, but it released a good portion of that unbearable weight I was carrying around.

We “celebrated” Carter’s birthday during this weekend that just passed, even through everyone’s grumbly coughs and runny noses. First was his actual birthday, where we gave him some Minecraft books – which he has been absolutely obsessed with. So much so that for everyday since his birthday, he’s been waking up before 6 AM to be able to play… The next day, we went to Mom’s for a big dinner and that was also a really great day – as it usually is.

Starting next week, I have quite a few plans as I am desperate to start doing stuff involving The Erotic Writers Group again. I have left it alone for quite awhile, having lost my ability to do anything during that rut, and now I’m constantly wanting to get back into it. I have a couple ideas to keep things afloat should I end up back in that rut again, so I need to hash those out and my hope is that by January 2015 we will back up and into the full swing of things – plus some additional goodies.

I have a lot of hopes and goals coming into the 2015 year and I do this almost every year, where I come up with all these things that I’m going to do better this year than last. Generally, I fail miserably and for a lot of reasons. I tend to take on too much all at once across a whole bunch of different areas of interest and I try to do it all. These last couple of years have also been rough on us in terms of our luck and hopefully we’ve done all the stuff we need to do to make that different this year.

My big one for this year though is all centered around The Erotic Writers Group. I really want to get that where I want it to be and I really want to get some extra help with it, so that it’s a more manageable project. Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to bring all these ideas to life and make the whole thing a reality. This is what I plan I do over the next couple of weeks…

Well, it’s a quick update, I know. I hope to have more to talk about in the coming days. In the meantime, thanks for your patience and until the next time 😉

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It’s All in My Head…

My sleep has just absolutely been sucking lately. I’ve managed to give myself a wicked headache almost every night before sleep for about a week now and waking up is just about the most impossible thing in the world for me right now.

The worst part of it all is the way that The Boyfriend is dealing with it. And I’m so unsure how to respond. I haven’t had this many sleeping issues since back when Alfie and I were still together. And when I’d sleep past noon and let the cleaning go by the wayside, it would be days and days of yelling and screaming, name-calling and on top of my own beating up of myself, there was his as well.

The Boyfriend on the other hand, comes upstairs and kisses me gently awake. It takes me a long time to respond to those kisses. I roll away from him, I stay asleep, and he’ll sit in the bed next to me playing on his cellphone. Then, when he’s officially ready to be done waiting, he’ll light a smoke. I often begin to stir, because the smell of smoke when I’m sleeping makes me immediately worry about fire. Then, when I begin the beating up myself for sleeping in past noon, he’ll wrap his arms around me and is the most comforting, “Oh, we don’t mind. It’s okay. You must’ve been really tired, because you didn’t flinch at all.”

A couple days back was a perfect example. I had planned the day before that we would wake up early the next day. The house is still mostly clean, but I wanted to get up early and just do some touchups. But the next morning, he was up early and I just could not open my eyes. When I did wake up, after noon, I immediately started in, “I can’t believe I slept that late.” and a whole bunch of profanities and negativity and he said, “It’s not like the house is that messy, so it’s no big deal that you slept in. If I were worried about it, I would’ve made sure you were awake.”.

My heart is so grateful to him and his wonderfulness and his understanding and his compassion and his support. My head is absolutely confused by it and also hates it all a little bit. So between my head and my heart, there’s a pretty big argument going on.

The rut that I’ve been in is not going away and I would argue that it’s getting worse. I seem to get through most of my day without being really aware of the feelings and then once the kids go to bed, I’m just bombarded with negative thoughts and feelings. I spent the night last night shushing myself to sleep, because my brain would just not stop making noise.

I’m refusing to call it anything close to depression, especially being that it’s not like any of my previous depressions. I’m still able to find stuff funny, I’m still able to laugh when my kids are being ridiculously adorable and I’m still interested in all my hobbies. The only part of it all that seems like depression is the very negative self-talk, the constant reeling of my brain and this overwhelmingly stressed out feeling. And a couple mini panic attacks, over things like cops parked outside of the house or the wind blowing just a little too hard.

Otherwise, it just feels like being kind of stuck. Can’t make any moves or do much of anything, just have to stay still. I call it a rut for exactly that reason. It’s like I was walking along one day and then I stepped down and fell into a rut. And now I’m trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it. And once I do, everything will be fine.

I keep thinking that I’m making some progress. Especially on those days when the waking up isn’t so hard, when the getting up and getting things done seems possible, it feels like I’m beginning my way out of it. And then the stupidest little things will throw me back down to the bottom of the rut and I have to start all over again. Lately, that stupid little thing is my sleeping habits.

I keep saying to myself, “Just get up. You just have to get up. It’s not that hard. One foot in front of the other. Get up!” and then I immediately feel like an idiot, because if it was just that simple, don’t you think I would do that. It always reminds me of the only time I’ve ever yelled at a doctor. She was going off about how I could “choose to be happy” and this was at the worst parts of my depression. I stood up and yelled at her, “If I could CHOOSE to be HAPPY, don’t you think I would?!? Why the hell else would I be here?!?”.

It’s a complicated time for me. Especially being that this is the first time I’ve ever experienced one of these situations without some kind of obvious trigger. Normally, this type of rut is brought on by finances or external stress, too much on my plate or relationships – something. But no matter how hard I search, I just can’t seem to find the thing that is keeping me here, in this perpetual rut. The only thing I keep coming back to is me. It’s all in my head. I’ve never experienced that before…

Thank You for Being You

I’ve gone a little Sims mad…

For almost an entire week now, I’ve been absolutely obsessed with this game. Starting a legacy-esque challenge, was definitely not a good idea for my addiction level. However, it’s doing a great job of keeping my spirits up, which lately is not being an easy thing to do.

I’ve written a huge ton of posts over the last few days. I think the last time I went through my draft folder (this morning), I was up to 13 drafts – and that’s only in about three days. I keep writing and then completely losing my train of thought or getting distracted by something and then I can’t seem to pick it up where I left off. And when I return a couple days later, I no longer feel the same way I did when I originally wrote the piece, so I can’t even pick up then…

It’s odd that I’m struggling so hard with this depressed feeling. I’m not really depressed, it’s just I don’t know what other word could possibly fit instead. It’s kind of my way of using an umbrella term to describe a whole bunch of emotions that are all out of whack. I just feel a general numbness, a lack of emotion, if you will. And I seem to only be able to recognize the negative emotions, like anger or sadness or stress, and don’t even notice if there are any positive ones going on.

I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by the people I’m surrounded by, who understand that this is just sometimes the way things are. That sometimes Mommy needs a little extra space, or sometimes your girlfriend isn’t going to laugh at your lame jokes, or sometimes I’m going to tear up for no reason. And I’m glad that during those times, while I struggle to figure out how to deal, they struggle with me and eventually we figure out how to get to the point where I’m feeling the support they’re giving me.

We’ve been on a mission to get our house spotless over the last few days. We’ve got an inspection coming up, so it has to be cleaner than our normal clean. I always stress out so much more than I need to over these inspections, although for the most part, I’m dealing with that pretty well. The Boyfriend has been beyond wonderful in terms of helping with the cleaning.

One thing that’s pissing me off, but also makes me love him more, is how he gives me praise for things I haven’t done. Like yes, I’ve been cleaning, but really… It’s not nearly as much as I should be, especially over the last week, since I’ve been sleeping so much. Today, I puttered and got most of the kitchen done and the floor swept. When he got home and started cleaning himself, and the kids were going off about me not helping, The Boyfriend kept saying I had already done so much today, that I shouldn’t have to do anything more. It’s sweet, but it’s also a little bit annoying, because I feel like he’s delusional when he does that. And he’ll do it over everything that I feel like I’m failing at.

But he also knows that I’m in this rut right now, that I’m not sure what’s causing it, that it’s only been a few weeks since we had our really serious discussion and all that equals a boyfriend who is over-compensating to make sure I know he’s there and loves me. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

In a Rut and Slacking

I’ve been slacking something fierce the last little bit. Pretty much since the last post that I did and that depressed rut has been lingering about me ever since. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, just that it’s there hovering around me.

I’ve been writing a lot, probably a lot more than usual. Although I tend to force out a paragraph and then the screen-staring begins and I can never bring myself to push publish. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get all these paragraph-long drafts into something more than that, but it’s just not going anywhere.

It’s been cold, really cold, these last few days and I’ve been spending a huge portion of my day trying to hide from that. I can’t tell you how many times the house has to listen to me complain about it. I’m ready to get winter over and done with and it hasn’t even truly begun yet… It’s going to be a long couple of months!

I’m going out with my Mom tomorrow afternoon, which I’m definitely looking forward to. It’s been a bit since I got to get out of the house for anything other than errands that needed to be done, so I’m hoping it will be nice and relaxing. I have to decide what I want to do for the two hours we’ve got between dropping Carter off and picking him up, and I’m not exactly sure what I’m in the mood for. I wish we had a cooler museum or something…

I’ve been completely neglecting everything to do with The Erotic Writers Group, going on officially two weeks now. I am trying my best not to beat myself up about it but I totally am. Which I guess is better than just not caring… I have every intention of jumping back on that bandwagon and picking up exactly where we left off, but I’m having a hard time getting there…

I couldn’t even tell you what’s holding me back from getting anything out there, but I just kind of feel a little paralyzed every single time I try to do anything there. I go to write a blog post, paralyzed. I go to schedule up challenges, paralyzed. I go to work on ideas for other stuff related to the group, paralyzed. And I just can’t seem to get past it. Not sure why…

However, in all the stuff that I didn’t get done, I have been doing a relatively decent job in keeping up with the kids’ school work, I’ve been on The Boyfriend’s butt regularly about keeping up on the laundry, and I did finally get another photo installation up (finally!). So, three things checked off the never-ending to-do list that is my life…

I’m curious, what are some of the out-of-the-box alternative ways that you pull yourself out of a rut? How do you avoid getting trapped?

Just a Quickie

I’ve been stuck in a bit of a depressed rut for the last couple of days. I woke up one morning, just hating the whole entire universe and all of existence, and it took me a few days to shake it. If I’m being completely honest, who knows if I really have.

I tend to get to this point now where I just hate the depressed feeling. I hate the fatigue, I hate the body pain, I hate the constant edge of tears, I hate how defining what your feeling seems like the most pressing issue you’ve ever faced. I hate it and I get incredibly bored of it. So, I just walk away from it.

I know I’m making it sound really easy, but you have to remember that I’ve been suffering with depression for a good number of years, so it’s a little different when you teach yourself to live with it.

The kids have all been a little out of control this past week and that just adds to every bit of inadequacy that I may feel. They get out of school and are all grumpy and pestering each other. We get home and it’s immediate mess-making time. And they seem to have everlasting energy that absolutely drains the parents. Add to that the fact that they are all refusing to listen and it’s just a big headache.

I’ve been slacking in just about every area. From letting a lot of my cleaning slide and basically ignoring my computer, I just have felt very much like curling up into a ball and sleeping. How The Boyfriend deals with it and doesn’t get frustrated and fed up is beyond me, because I find it to be an impossible time – even if it only lasts a few days.

I ended up supporting FetLife on a whim this week, so now I can go further back in my feeds and watch videos and stuff. That’s been quite a fun experience and I was delighted to get to see a few videos that you can’t find on the average porn site (although I make the strong argument that when there is no sex, it’s not porn). I also finally updated some more of my profile, which I’ve been working on doing for months now.

Then, again on a whim, after deciding that I wasn’t going to, I bought The Sims 4. I had said I wasn’t going to because the specifications all said that it wouldn’t run on my laptop. But then The Boyfriend kept telling me, “Everyone said that Warcraft wouldn’t run on my computer and yet it did” and my sister had bought it on her less awesome computer than mine, so I figured I’d give it a shot. Imagine my excitement when it totally worked! Although surprisingly, I haven’t played it nearly as much as I was expecting I would.

This week, I’ve gotta try to get some stuff done. I’ve gotta force myself to get up off my butt and do something. Getting all the cleaning that I keep putting off done would be a start. I also really want to do some reading and writing – now that I’m finished Brave New World, I’m right into The Bell Jar and got about 4 chapters through it during my last bath.

Well that’s basically all I have to say, just wanted to do a quick update 😉