Exploding Head Syndrome

I hate that I didn’t spend more of my teenage life reading. I mean, I read quite a bit during those years. Probably just a little bit more than the average teenager, but looking back on it, I wasn’t reading the right books.

Now, not only do I have a buttload of books that I’m trying to read and want to read but I also have all these blogs that I want to read, all these FetLife posts that are super important to read, all this information to consume. And there just simply isn’t enough time in the day.

Yesterday, we went down to visit my Mom and she decided a trip to Value Village was necessary. The kids were all so excited and my thoughts immediately went to books. The last time we were at VV, I got something like 6 books for $12 and one of them was my epic Sherlock Holmes (which I’m still in the process of reading). I love the book section here. Wouldn’t you know I found more books. So now, my bookshelf which is already so full you can longer see wood, has two new-to-me additions (plus a few more kids books), Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf and ManifestA by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards.

I started with Promiscuities because I read The Beauty Myth back in highschool. I’ve always loved Naomi Wolf’s style as a writer and find her writing to be so easily consumable.

It now takes the number of books I’m reading (and this does not include any I’ve started online – except Flatland) up to 8 – 8 books at one time! Which also wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I am certainly not dedicating enough of my life to all this reading. After realizing all this during a migraine last night and a grumpy wake up this morning, I have decided that I need to get some stuff in order.

I need to set aside a certain time each day to read my offline books – like an hour or a chapter of reading one of these 8 books every night. Then, I need to set a certain time each day to read all my online stuff – and this could potentially get up there in time, because there is just so much!

I haven’t even begun to actually follow blogs yet, just followed my followers back. I’ve taken no time at all to get comfortable with WordPress’ “Reader”, so that I can successfully do what I need to do with all the great stuff I’m reading. Everything’s just a little all over the place and I need to figure out what I need to do to change that.

I have all these plans and ideas. I want to get The Erotic Writers Group back up to full-steam by January, I want to blog about this and that thing and I want to post this and that, and I just have no focus with all these ideas bopping about in my head.

My head just feels a little bit like it’s going to explode. So much I want to do, so much that has to be done, so not enough time in the day or enough energy. Need to make some changes!

It All Started Over a Hashtag…

On Wednesday or Thursday, shortly after The Boyfriend and I awoke from a great sleep, I jumped on my computer as usual and through a variety of articles on Mashable discovered the #WhyWeNeedFeminism hashtag.

For quite a long time, The Boyfriend and I have been having this ongoing debate about feminism. But this hashtag changed things. We were going at it this one morning. I’ll often say to him, even prior to learning about this hashtag, “And that is exactly why we need feminism”, because he’s absolutely terrible for saying things he doesn’t exactly mean.

So this one morning, we’re hardcore in heated debate mode. And when we both feel really passionate about a topic, there’s often a lot of interrupting that goes on and usually we both just take it in stride. It’s not often that we debate on serious topics though and apparently we both take our opinions on feminism pretty seriously. As the conversation heats up, he’s trying to make a point and I say something and he booms over top of me, “Can you just be quiet and let me finish?” and I immediately apologize and let him finish.

But ever since that moment… Things have felt very weird between us. And as the days march on, it just feels weirder and weirder.

Obviously no, we’re not still debating feminism and actually I’ve avoided bringing the topic up at all because I feel like we’ve both said all there is to say. No, when he asked me to be quiet, it wasn’t rude or upsetting for either us and we continued on just as we always do in a heated debate. But the feeling between us seems to have changed – and I don’t know if I’m the only one whose noticed or if I’m just perceiving things oddly or what’s going on – but it doesn’t feel right.

Then, to add to that feeling of unease, I have been beyond sexually frustrated the last couple of weeks. Finally last night, I reached that point where I just had to say something, I couldn’t help myself. Now it’s not that I’m not getting sex at all, because I am and it’s not frustration because I haven’t orgasmed in awhile, because I have. But it’s that not right feeling following us around…

As I’m sure I’ve said somewhere at sometime, The Boyfriend has an incredibly low sex drive (and I probably would’ve never even considered dating him had I known this 6 years ago…) and rarely, very rarely, wants sex. And I have a very very high sex drive and most people know that something is definitely not right with me when I’m not thinking about sex, because I almost always am. We clash a lot over it, but we manage.

So this last week, he was on holidays. I always think going into his holidays that it’s going to be a sex-filled week and I’m always greatly disappointed. But it’s not the lack of sex that’s been frustrating me, it’s the lack of interest on his part that is getting to me. And it’s outright jealousy…

When he walks into a room, I’m immediately turned on by him, especially if he’s wearing jeans or has his shirt off. If I had a cock, I’d spring a chubbie. I’m always telling him how sexy/handsome/amazing he is and every fantasy he’s ever brought to this relationship has been realized the same day he mentions it to me. He doesn’t even have to ask for sex to get it.

I, on the other hand, can be completely naked, half-clothed, in a bra and underwear, wearing a short skirt, in whatever form I’m in, and he doesn’t even feel a twinge in his cock. No one ever tells me I’m sexy/beautiful/amazing, not even when I actively seek it out. The list of fantasies that I’ve brought to this relationship that have never been realized is extensive and most of my fantasies have been flat-out denied. I have to hint for days and days that I want sex and then when I finally do get it, he acts like he’s only doing it because he’s obligated to do it… Like it’s a chore or a job.

Then, since our feminism debate, I just feel like we’ve been completely disconnected. Like it flipped some sort of switch. I’ve felt incredibly angry at him almost all week and have been quick and easy to snap at him for no reason (which is absolutely unlike me altogether with him), he’s been tip-toeing on eggshells constantly. And I just feel a little bit like we’re spiraling out of control.

Last night, I decided that I needed one last orgasm before he went to work. He obliged and while the orgasm was great (and much needed), the build up to it felt like a completely solitary experience, even though he was lying right next to me doing all the work. When I was done, I said something a long the lines of “It just feel like you haven’t been very interested…” and then we both fell asleep.

Things just feel awkward right now. I feel off and our relationship feels off. It’s discomforting and it sucks…