The Cleaning Never Ends

I’ve been having this problem for days now. Everyday when I wake up, the first thing I do is open my computer. Facebook, Twitter, FetLife and Google+ get opened first and sometimes this can take a little bit. I try not to get stuck on any one of them but instead try to hop back and forth between them. If I focus for too long, I start thinking too much.

Then I pop open WordPress and check through the stats on my blog(s). I check and see which posts, if any, are doing really good. I respond to any comments and then I often go to write. Usually, I just write and write and write until I feel content and then I hit publish without much thought. If I were writing this for you, dear reader, I might edit or spend more time on it. But I’m writing this for me, so… My standards are pretty low 😉

However, lately (I’m blaming it on my graveyard brain still), I just can’t seem to write anything that makes much sense. It all just reads back like gibberish to me…

https://plus.google.com/+ValerieRayne13/posts/DUAe8ef8i9y

We’ve been doing a lot of cleaning this week. Maybe even longer. It’s gotta be the warmer weather or something, but it is being just about the most challenging thing ever. I cannot get over how much time I’ve spent cleaning, how much effort everyone seems to be putting in, and how little of a change it seems to make.

It would all make more sense if we moved around the house more. But, we really don’t. I have my spot on the couch and a little table beside me. The Boyfriend sits right next to me and Carter normally right next to him. The older kids either sit on the floor or on the other couch. When they move, the only places they go are outside or up to their rooms. So, what I want to know, is how, if no one is spending time in the kitchen, how my kitchen always ends up as the messiest place in the house.

It would even make sense if we were cooking dinner in our kitchen on a regular basis, but recently, we’ve been ordering out a lot. We’ve been getting things you pop into the oven without any dishes. We’ve not been using our kitchen enough for it to make sense for there to be the mess that seems to be there everytime I wake up… It’s like destructive toddler elves are sneaking into our house while we sleep…

I am honestly so jealous of people with clean houses. I wish it were for lack of effort, because at least when it was that, I didn’t feel so terribly about the messes. But now, working my butt off day after day to keep some semblance of tidiness, and having it all be for naught, I just feel utterly ashamed of it. I don’t know how anyone ever has done this at any point of time… And I am so jealous of the people who can.

All that being said, I know from experience that the only way to get through it all is to just keep cleaning and just keep smiling. I’m doing everything in my power to ensure that I don’t let the constant repetitiveness get me down, because if I don’t keep on the messes, I’m terrified to find out what I’ll wake up to next!!! Plus, I know that eventually it will pass and it won’t seem so hard for at least a little while.

I’m going to say it’s weather-related and it’s the adjusting to a new season. Once we’re fully into Spring, it’ll be fine and then when we transition into Summer, it’ll get a little out of control again and then it’ll be fine. That thought brings me a great deal of comfort.

Well, I know that there’s tons more to write about but my brain is now officially on cleaning, so I might as well get up and start that before I have to go get all the brats from school. Hoping the sunshine sticks around for my walk.

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Bound to You

For the past few years on my FetLife profile, it has had some variation of this line included in it:

“I am in a monogamous vanilla relationship with The Boyfriend and you could say that that is the closest I get to bondage.”

I’ve often thought that this amazing song by Christina Aguilera (from Burlesque), sums up the sentiments of this line and therefore our relationship perfectly.

“Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?… I am bound to you”. Beautiful!

Sweet love, sweet love
Trapped in your love
I’ve opened up, unsure I can trust
My heart and I were buried in dust
Free me, free us
You’re all I need when I’m holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to you

So much, so young, I’ve faced on my own
Walls I built up became my home
I’m strong and I’m sure there’s a fire in us
Sweet love, so pure
I catch my breath with just one beating heart
And I embrace myself, please don’t tear this apart

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to

Suddenly the moment’s here
I embrace my fears
All that I have been carrying all these years
Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?
Fall

I can trust and boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
And finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am, ooh I am
I’m bound to you

FetLife Reminiscing – Cock Shot Photography Thoughts

I rarely ever get really involved in discussions on FetLife. Words have a bad habit of blowing up in your face there, so I tend to just observe from the sidelines regularly. Every once and awhile though, I just can’t help myself.

Like when the 50 Shades movie was coming out and all of FetLife was going literally psychotic. The constant influx of conflicting opinions can be incredibly overwhelming and amazingly entertaining, but eventually you get to the point where you’ve just had it. Everyone was writing posts like, “Why I’ve never read the books, and why I never will” or “To those coming to us from 50 Shades” or “I don’t care about the messages, it made me cum…” (note: none of these are real titles that I know, I just made them up, that’s why they suck – people on FetLife are way more clever!). And eventually I had just had enough.

I was compelled, forced by my brain actually, to write the quick piece:

I didn’t see 50 Shades… or read it…
Not for any reason. Not with any explanation. Not because of this and that.
Just because. And that’s okay.
That is all!”

It also happened about 7 months ago when FetLife was going through this huge thing about cock pictures. It started as a harmless rant, turned into a lot of negativity about dick pics, then it turned into humor and a small trickle of us spoke out against the hatred. But even those posts were masked in hatred of the cock shot.

I couldn’t stand it all, because I personally have no problem at all with the dick pic. I would even go so far as to say that I appreciate a good dick pick. And so, I had to add my two cents. I figured instead of keeping those pennies only on FetLife, I’d add them here too. You’ll have to be on FetLife to see the original post that I’m referencing throughout the post.

1. Cocks can be truly beautiful. Artistic even. So when you’re taking a picture, just like us girls, take the time to find the right angle and get the best light. See your cock as the sistine chapel and take pictures of it like you want them hung in museums!

2. Mix it up a little. You don’t need to take a shot of your cock from the same angle over and over again. I don’t just want to see it standing out from your body. And I don’t just want to see it hard. Let me see that strong vein running up your shaft, take a picture of that first drop of pre-cum. Take a shot from underneath and let me see the darker side of your manhood.

3. Sharesies. One of the commenters on the piece made a great point about not always captioning your photo with “Look at me as I stroke my huge hard cock” type deal. How bout tell us how you came to be in the masturbating way and what you thought about or watched while you masturbated. Share the experience through more than just a photo.

4. Experiment lots. We know that guys are notorious for experimenting with their penises. I mean, we hear about it all the time. But I have yet to see a picture of a guy truly experimenting with his cock. What does it look like if you do [insert something experimental here]? Show us something we haven’t already seen all the other penises do…

5. Look for inspiration. Check and see what other guys are posting for cock shots and see how yours compare. What are the commenters saying about other photos and what are they clearly stating that they love? There are some great cock shots out there, so find a few that you really love and aspire to reach that dream.

Just a couple of thoughts, in no particular order of importance. And be sure to follow the original posts’ advice, because that should just be obvious. Remember, you’re an artist, your cock is a canvas. Show us how beautiful it can truly be.

Now, go paint that chapel!

So now, it’s your turn. What advice would you give to those wanting to take the infamous cock shot and how would you make it better for all those involved?

It’s His Party, I’ll Buy Toys If I Want To…

NOTE: This post was originally added on FetLife. I have updated it to include the stuff that I can check off my bucket list.

It’s been a long time in the making. We’ve been talking about getting new toys for years now, I’m not even kidding you. And normally, things get in the way, life gets in the way and it gets pushed further and further onto the back burner.

[See – TO GET: A Sex Toy… Any Sex Toy]

On a whim tonight, I decided, since it’s his birthday in a day, that I might get that dildo that we’ve been talking about getting forever. This led me on a hunt. A hunt that has resulted in great excitement on my part.

They’re not really presents for him. They’re presents for him in the sense that they’re presents for me. But, my orgasm is kinda like a present, right?!? They had a sale and a couldn’t resist.

So, in the next 5-7 days, I will have a brand new vibrator. A brand new black vibrator. I haven’t had a vibrator in so long that I can’t even remember what a vibrator feels like. I only remember orgasming easier thanks to it. Plus, I’m very excited about the black – I’ve never had a black sex toy before!!

Then, because they were on sale, I grabbed a thing of Japanese Silk Rope. Again, we keep saying we’re going to this. I’ve been saying it much longer than he has and in terms of anything kinky, this is the only thing he’s ever shown interest in. Although I know that getting him to take the time to learn how to use it will be a whole other issue entirely. But at least I can learn and that’s a present to us both!

[See – TO GET: Rope and a Rope Tote]

Next, I got a Wartenberg wheel. I cannot tell you how much I have yearned for one of these babies. I can only imagine what it would feel like rolling over sensitive breasts and oh my god, the back and butt. Just tingles everywhere thinking about it – and that’s only what I can imagine. This one cannot get here fast enough!

Last but not least, I took the ultimate plunge. He said, “You should buy lingerie” and now I can say, “You can’t use that excuse anymore!”. I don’t know how it’s going to fit, what’s it going to look like, if it’s a good buy, basically nothing. I know that it was what they said my size was (based basically on my current clothing size, because ain’t nobody have measuring tape – not the kind that bends anyways…) and that it was on sale. I’m telling you people, none of this would have happened if it weren’t for the sale and 25% off…

[See – TO GET: Lingerie… Lots of Lingerie]

In buying the lingerie, I will have my first ever in The Boyfriend and I’s relationship g-string (I’ve had thongs, but never g-string) and a peek-a-boo babydoll thing. I don’t even know how to talk about lingerie, but I plan to post pictures when we get them.

This is quite possibly going to be the best birthday yet. Can’t wait!

A Secondary Partner… Not So Crazy, Right?

Being a high sex drive kinkster with a low sex drive vanilla partner in a monogamous relationship is just about the hardest thing ever.

I reached that breaking point again last night. That point where I’m sick of putting my desires aside, sick of putting my sexuality on the back burner, and blurted out again that I wanted a secondary partner.

It seems to happen every single time we get here. I don’t want him to be something he’s not, but I don’t want to deny myself something that I so desperately desire. Like my favorite part of Nymphomaniac, I want him to be Shia Leboeuf and tell me that I’m a tiger and I need to be fed… Alas, he doesn’t and I’m left wanting more.

It’s terrible because I have this intense internal war with myself that seems to grow and build and grow and build. I feel guilty for my desires a lot of the time because they seem so all consuming. Maybe it’s because it’s the only complaint we have in our relationship, but it feels like it’s this huge unsolvable problem. And my desires are the cause of that problem, my constant, nagging, neverending urge to have sex and then have more sex and give head and orgasm. And then, I argue that I shouldn’t feel guilty for these desires because they are the most normal desires in the whole entire world. I beat myself up for feeling guilty because I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to be my “authentic sexual self”.

And by the time the internal war is raging beyond bloodshed in my head, I have no choice but to blurt out these thoughts. Because he falls asleep on me during yet another attempt at a second orgasm, I am pushed over the edge on the internal war, and with him going to graveyards soon, I am just terrified of what it’s going to be like.

If at this moment, I feel like I’m not getting enough sex, not getting enough of the kind of sex I want, not being sexually satiated, then how the hell am I going to feel when he’ll basically be incapable of having sex at all in a few months?!?

And yes, there are workarounds and it’s not like I won’t be getting any action at all. I did get pregnant with his child while he was working graveyards, so it’s not like it’s total celibacy. But, I just can’t see it being a better situation than we have now and I definitely can’t see it staying like this…

I hate that in these moments it seems like the only logical move is to break up, because I feel like it’s so irrational. But then I do stuff like go to groups on FetLife for kinksters with vanilla partners and I think back to conversations on the web from long ago, and I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is that he will probably never suddenly become kinky and we will have to “compromise”. And by compromise, I mean that he will continue to get what he wants and I’ll continue to get nothing that I want, except the irregular vanilla sex session.

So, I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner. What I really want is for him to wake up and become the man of my dreams, or at least put some effort into becoming the sexual partner I deserve!

I deserve someone who is going to worship every single curve of this body that has brought four beautiful children into the world and nursed them and raised them. I deserve someone who will hunger for the taste of me and relish in the delicate folds of my wet lips. I deserve someone who will nurture my intelligence and care for my mind. I deserve someone who will sacrifice sleep just to watch me orgasm one more time. I deserve someone who cares enough to be that someone…

I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner, because I don’t expect him to miraculously change. I know that he can’t give me it all, especially being that there’s a lot of it. And like I said to him, “It’s not that you’re inadequate. It’s that I’m a lot. It’s ridiculous to think that one person can handle it all!” – and I honestly believe that.

He says an absolute no to the secondary partner idea every single time. It’s an immediate response. I don’t know why I expect anything different every single time, but I do. And I am disappointed every single time.

The exact same conversation plays over and over at this point. Me going on about how a secondary partner isn’t that outrageous of an idea, that I can’t stand the way this makes me feel, drudging up deep and profound thoughts on my sexuality. He basically sits there pouting and every once and awhile will interject something about jealousy or how my feelings on this whole thing make him feel insecure.

The conversation always ends with no resolution, no solution, nothing. Basically, we both spout and then act as if the whole thing never happened. Normally, I’ll get really great sex that night – not kinky or anything and he’ll probably still fall asleep as I attempt my second orgasm – but great sex. And in a few weeks time, this whole process will repeat itself.

How many years can a person survive like that?

Exploding Head Syndrome

I hate that I didn’t spend more of my teenage life reading. I mean, I read quite a bit during those years. Probably just a little bit more than the average teenager, but looking back on it, I wasn’t reading the right books.

Now, not only do I have a buttload of books that I’m trying to read and want to read but I also have all these blogs that I want to read, all these FetLife posts that are super important to read, all this information to consume. And there just simply isn’t enough time in the day.

Yesterday, we went down to visit my Mom and she decided a trip to Value Village was necessary. The kids were all so excited and my thoughts immediately went to books. The last time we were at VV, I got something like 6 books for $12 and one of them was my epic Sherlock Holmes (which I’m still in the process of reading). I love the book section here. Wouldn’t you know I found more books. So now, my bookshelf which is already so full you can longer see wood, has two new-to-me additions (plus a few more kids books), Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf and ManifestA by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards.

I started with Promiscuities because I read The Beauty Myth back in highschool. I’ve always loved Naomi Wolf’s style as a writer and find her writing to be so easily consumable.

It now takes the number of books I’m reading (and this does not include any I’ve started online – except Flatland) up to 8 – 8 books at one time! Which also wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I am certainly not dedicating enough of my life to all this reading. After realizing all this during a migraine last night and a grumpy wake up this morning, I have decided that I need to get some stuff in order.

I need to set aside a certain time each day to read my offline books – like an hour or a chapter of reading one of these 8 books every night. Then, I need to set a certain time each day to read all my online stuff – and this could potentially get up there in time, because there is just so much!

I haven’t even begun to actually follow blogs yet, just followed my followers back. I’ve taken no time at all to get comfortable with WordPress’ “Reader”, so that I can successfully do what I need to do with all the great stuff I’m reading. Everything’s just a little all over the place and I need to figure out what I need to do to change that.

I have all these plans and ideas. I want to get The Erotic Writers Group back up to full-steam by January, I want to blog about this and that thing and I want to post this and that, and I just have no focus with all these ideas bopping about in my head.

My head just feels a little bit like it’s going to explode. So much I want to do, so much that has to be done, so not enough time in the day or enough energy. Need to make some changes!

Just a Quickie

I’ve been stuck in a bit of a depressed rut for the last couple of days. I woke up one morning, just hating the whole entire universe and all of existence, and it took me a few days to shake it. If I’m being completely honest, who knows if I really have.

I tend to get to this point now where I just hate the depressed feeling. I hate the fatigue, I hate the body pain, I hate the constant edge of tears, I hate how defining what your feeling seems like the most pressing issue you’ve ever faced. I hate it and I get incredibly bored of it. So, I just walk away from it.

I know I’m making it sound really easy, but you have to remember that I’ve been suffering with depression for a good number of years, so it’s a little different when you teach yourself to live with it.

The kids have all been a little out of control this past week and that just adds to every bit of inadequacy that I may feel. They get out of school and are all grumpy and pestering each other. We get home and it’s immediate mess-making time. And they seem to have everlasting energy that absolutely drains the parents. Add to that the fact that they are all refusing to listen and it’s just a big headache.

I’ve been slacking in just about every area. From letting a lot of my cleaning slide and basically ignoring my computer, I just have felt very much like curling up into a ball and sleeping. How The Boyfriend deals with it and doesn’t get frustrated and fed up is beyond me, because I find it to be an impossible time – even if it only lasts a few days.

I ended up supporting FetLife on a whim this week, so now I can go further back in my feeds and watch videos and stuff. That’s been quite a fun experience and I was delighted to get to see a few videos that you can’t find on the average porn site (although I make the strong argument that when there is no sex, it’s not porn). I also finally updated some more of my profile, which I’ve been working on doing for months now.

Then, again on a whim, after deciding that I wasn’t going to, I bought The Sims 4. I had said I wasn’t going to because the specifications all said that it wouldn’t run on my laptop. But then The Boyfriend kept telling me, “Everyone said that Warcraft wouldn’t run on my computer and yet it did” and my sister had bought it on her less awesome computer than mine, so I figured I’d give it a shot. Imagine my excitement when it totally worked! Although surprisingly, I haven’t played it nearly as much as I was expecting I would.

This week, I’ve gotta try to get some stuff done. I’ve gotta force myself to get up off my butt and do something. Getting all the cleaning that I keep putting off done would be a start. I also really want to do some reading and writing – now that I’m finished Brave New World, I’m right into The Bell Jar and got about 4 chapters through it during my last bath.

Well that’s basically all I have to say, just wanted to do a quick update 😉