A Secondary Partner… Not So Crazy, Right?

Being a high sex drive kinkster with a low sex drive vanilla partner in a monogamous relationship is just about the hardest thing ever.

I reached that breaking point again last night. That point where I’m sick of putting my desires aside, sick of putting my sexuality on the back burner, and blurted out again that I wanted a secondary partner.

It seems to happen every single time we get here. I don’t want him to be something he’s not, but I don’t want to deny myself something that I so desperately desire. Like my favorite part of Nymphomaniac, I want him to be Shia Leboeuf and tell me that I’m a tiger and I need to be fed… Alas, he doesn’t and I’m left wanting more.

It’s terrible because I have this intense internal war with myself that seems to grow and build and grow and build. I feel guilty for my desires a lot of the time because they seem so all consuming. Maybe it’s because it’s the only complaint we have in our relationship, but it feels like it’s this huge unsolvable problem. And my desires are the cause of that problem, my constant, nagging, neverending urge to have sex and then have more sex and give head and orgasm. And then, I argue that I shouldn’t feel guilty for these desires because they are the most normal desires in the whole entire world. I beat myself up for feeling guilty because I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to be my “authentic sexual self”.

And by the time the internal war is raging beyond bloodshed in my head, I have no choice but to blurt out these thoughts. Because he falls asleep on me during yet another attempt at a second orgasm, I am pushed over the edge on the internal war, and with him going to graveyards soon, I am just terrified of what it’s going to be like.

If at this moment, I feel like I’m not getting enough sex, not getting enough of the kind of sex I want, not being sexually satiated, then how the hell am I going to feel when he’ll basically be incapable of having sex at all in a few months?!?

And yes, there are workarounds and it’s not like I won’t be getting any action at all. I did get pregnant with his child while he was working graveyards, so it’s not like it’s total celibacy. But, I just can’t see it being a better situation than we have now and I definitely can’t see it staying like this…

I hate that in these moments it seems like the only logical move is to break up, because I feel like it’s so irrational. But then I do stuff like go to groups on FetLife for kinksters with vanilla partners and I think back to conversations on the web from long ago, and I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is that he will probably never suddenly become kinky and we will have to “compromise”. And by compromise, I mean that he will continue to get what he wants and I’ll continue to get nothing that I want, except the irregular vanilla sex session.

So, I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner. What I really want is for him to wake up and become the man of my dreams, or at least put some effort into becoming the sexual partner I deserve!

I deserve someone who is going to worship every single curve of this body that has brought four beautiful children into the world and nursed them and raised them. I deserve someone who will hunger for the taste of me and relish in the delicate folds of my wet lips. I deserve someone who will nurture my intelligence and care for my mind. I deserve someone who will sacrifice sleep just to watch me orgasm one more time. I deserve someone who cares enough to be that someone…

I blurt out things like I want a secondary partner, because I don’t expect him to miraculously change. I know that he can’t give me it all, especially being that there’s a lot of it. And like I said to him, “It’s not that you’re inadequate. It’s that I’m a lot. It’s ridiculous to think that one person can handle it all!” – and I honestly believe that.

He says an absolute no to the secondary partner idea every single time. It’s an immediate response. I don’t know why I expect anything different every single time, but I do. And I am disappointed every single time.

The exact same conversation plays over and over at this point. Me going on about how a secondary partner isn’t that outrageous of an idea, that I can’t stand the way this makes me feel, drudging up deep and profound thoughts on my sexuality. He basically sits there pouting and every once and awhile will interject something about jealousy or how my feelings on this whole thing make him feel insecure.

The conversation always ends with no resolution, no solution, nothing. Basically, we both spout and then act as if the whole thing never happened. Normally, I’ll get really great sex that night – not kinky or anything and he’ll probably still fall asleep as I attempt my second orgasm – but great sex. And in a few weeks time, this whole process will repeat itself.

How many years can a person survive like that?

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Nymphomaniac

Netflix recently added two titles that I decided to spend four hours on last night. Nymphomaniac Volume I and II. It’s one of the rare times I’ve left a movie on Netflix and had to give it a 5-star rating, because this movie seriously moved me.

I often have a huge attraction to these types of films for a whole lot of different reasons. Firstly, because they’re the only movies where women’s sexuality closely resembles my own desires, and you don’t feel isolated by that which you can’t relate to. I tend to be more moved by stories of highly sexualized women, because I am one.

Second, they are often very artistically done, and I can’t tell you how much I really appreciate that in a film. For example, Nymphomaniac started with a black screen and just sounds in the background. Then, there was a good few minutes where you were following sounds of a desolate alley as a light rain/snow fell – like the rain falling on the tin roof, or the squeak of a fan slowly turning, or the gentle clink of some kind of windchime. Scenes like this are so poetic to me and touch me on such a deep level. The movie is 100x better because of this small attention to detail.

Thirdly, these movies are often really great at making you think and use your brain – and movies like this always really excite me. They make you question your current ways of thinking about gender and the roles that plays in your life, sexuality and your thoughts regarding the whole spectrum of things that term encompasses, relationships and love and intimacy. All my favorite things to think about! I often walk away from these movies feeling like some profound change in my person has occured, and it’s one step closer to being the me I’ve always dreamed of being – and a movie that can do that to you… Pretty spectacular!

The Boyfriend came home from work about half an hour before I finished Volume II – the longer of the two movies. I paused to explain what was going on so that he could at least kind of watch, and in that paused time we talked and talked and talked. From his updates about work, to my thoughts about the movie so far, and even a quick run-down of the news aritcles we had both read throughout the day. Then, we watched the final thirty minutes.

Let me tell you, I was absolutely blown away by the ending. I was so upset by that ending (as I seem to be with many things that I’m watching lately), and I ranted and raved about the validation and then the sudden violation, I gawked and moaned. It was the perfect ending and the absolutely most terrible ending all in one swift blow and I loved it more for it and hated it all at the same time!

Since it was already getting late, The Boyfriend suggested we move upstairs. I had a feeling that we were probably going to get sexual with each other, but I wasn’t exactly sure since he was feeling pretty exhausted. After I laid down in bed and got all comfy, he kinda wrapped his arms around part of me so that he could lift me up on top of him. I was absolutely surprised to find him absolutely hard.

The sex was incredible! So incredible that out of nowhere, after years of begging, three hard slaps befell my rear and the experience from that point on was blissful. I had gone into the whole session thinking to myself that this and this and this thing was not going to happen because of all the denials that have been made to me. Like my go-to, I’m not going to give him oral sex unless he gives me oral sex – and all of those thoughts floated out of my mind and I couldn’t wait to give him more, give him anything.

And, after a really long time, too long of a time, I finally got oral. It felt so different than I remembered it, as I’m sure it always does after a long time of not having it. Two new modifications to a position spiced things up near the end and even though he basically begged for anal, we never actually got there. The orgasm, at the exact same moment, where I held him tighter than I ever have with my legs and arms wrapped about him and he gently kissed and stroked my neck and moved the hair out of my face, was the perfect cap to the incredible sex.

I rolled to the side, a sort of euphoric glow surrounding me, and he came up tight behind me and rubbed my arm gently before giving me the final kiss and saying “I love you”. I felt nothing but extreme gratefulness and absolute relief.

Today he kissed me and bit my lip gently as he pulled away. That grateful relief came flooding back to me.