Brain War – It’ll Pass…

I have been trying like crazy to publish something but it is just not working for me lately. I have been hating everything that I’ve been doing lately, I haven’t been able to hold concentration for anything and by the time that I decide that I’m done, I’ve decided that what I’ve just done sucks and delete it all without even thinking about it…

I don’t think I’ve been critical of anyone else except myself, although I may be wrong, but this last week or so has been a lot of me beating myself up over rather trivial things. The kids talk back one too many times, and suddenly I become the worst mom in the world. The shirt hugs my left love handle just a little too tightly and suddenly I become a beached whale that immediately needs to diet. The show makes me tear up a little bit and suddenly I become a whiny baby. I use the wrong word one time in a sentence and suddenly I’m unintelligent. And it’s not because anyone is saying that or giving me that vibe or anything like that. It is strictly an internal battle, a brain war.

I can probably come up with a ton of a reasons why it’s happening, although I don’t know if I believe any of them are the actual cause. I think my brain is just trying to figure out next steps and it needs to struggle to get there. I’m hoping that that’s what it is anyways. Especially being that it all seems so trivial and just downright stupid.

I’ve also got a lot of “projects” going on, which is probably another big contributor to my brain war. From the to-do list that is so out of control now that I don’t even want to talk about it, to two major projects that I’m attempting to keep mum about (and it’s killing me!), and a whole bunch of other small things – I have all these ideas that are abounding and that just seem halted. Because the battle is still waging.

I know it’ll pass. It always does. But the waiting is driving me up the wall…

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The Last Week…

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last wrote… It’s not for lack of things to write about or even a lack of desire to write about them, I just haven’t had a chance to get on my computer at all this last week. And then when I have had the chance, it’s the very last thing I’ve wanted to do.

This last week has been incredibly stressful. First, The Boyfriend went back to work after having a week off and he’s officially back on graveyards. I cannot tell you how mixed my emotions surrounding this have been. Then, we had our bi-annual inspection today and that always brings me more stress than is necessary.

I’ve spent the last week in a total and exhausting funk. And we knew that it was going to happen, as it almost always does during inspection time, and I warned The Boyfriend ahead of time. Unfortunately, the first week back on graveyards is always all consuming and so there was a definite feeling of lacking support this week that just made everything so much worse than usual.

Kaeidyn and I were trading off the stress about the inspection for the entire week. One minute I’d be all worked up and then just as I’d start to calm, she’d get all worked up and we just kept going back and forth like that constantly.

Our house got incredibly cleaned, which is the good thing out of all of it. Our floor finally got the mopping it was desperately craving, the snow melted enough that we were able to clean up most of the yard and we’ve decided that eventually we’re doing a big dump of all the clothes that we’ve managed to amass in our basement – most of which have been in the basement for months…

I was so upset last night. I was up late finishing up the last little bits of cleaning before inspection day and all of a sudden I hear a sound. Next thing I know, Kenzie’s puking all over all the cleaning I had just finished. Today, all the boys had upset stomachs and headaches. I hate when they all get sick all at once, because it’s always that much more overwhelming. Although it’s nice that it’s over and done with quicker.

I’ve been neglecting all my computer-related stuff for the last week and haven’t even checked in on most of it, other than the notifications I get on my phone. I’ve been thinking about blogging a lot and I’ve decided that I really want to change my blog theme and update it a little and stuff. I feel like it needs it or something. But I imagine it will take a few days before I make an official decision and then it will take a week or two to get it all changed and set up the way I like. But I’m thinking about it…

I’ve also been spending some time reading through my blogs from four or five years ago and it’s giving me some ideas for posts in the future and some other stuff, so I imagine that’s going to be an interesting little thing to explore as I get re-acquainted with my computer, now that my funk can be over for a little bit now.

Ranting About Sleep and Blogging

I seriously need to put an end to this crazy sleep schedule The Boyfriend and I are currently on. As I write this post, it is 4 AM in the morning. I woke up at 1 PM yesterday and haven’t slept yet and at the rate we’re going, it doesn’t look like we’re going to sleep for a bit yet.

For him, it makes sense. He’s gearing up for graveyards, he’s on holidays. But me… I mean, yes, I am a total night owl but this is just not natural…

It doesn’t help that all my creative energy decides to start flowing best after 2 AM and it doesn’t help that late at night is the only time that there aren’t a bunch of kids making a bunch of noise and it definitely doesn’t help that The Boyfriend and I can so easily go on for hours and hours and hours after what should reasonably be our bedtime.

At least when I stay up late like this, it’s not like I’m just sitting around doing nothing. I’m getting tons and tons and tons done. I’m getting so much done online that it’s a little bit ridiculous. I’m checking things off my virtual to-do list before they even make it on there. And I wish I could say that it felt good, but I just keep thinking I’m forgetting something and I definitely keep thinking I should be doing more.

Then I kick myself in the ass for even beginning to think like that. I told myself I wouldn’t. It always happens this way too. I spend a lot of time on my computer stuff. The things that I absolutely need to get done on the computer, such as The Erotic Writers Group’s #WritingChallenges for #EroticWriters, can sometimes take me up to six hours and that happens at least twice a week, not to mention the good two hours I spend every day on it. And I haven’t even begun to factor in my own personal blogging goals, which always come secondary to the group.

So I start to think that I’m working a full-time job here, I should start figuring out how to monetize it in some way, especially being that there is so much that I still want to do and so much of it requires money. I should host a Kickstarter campaign, I should sell eBooks, I should make products and use affiliate links and… and… and…

And then I remember, that is exactly why I took my last blogging hiatus and every blogging hiatus I’ve ever taken. It’s too much pressure, too much to think about, too much on top of everything else.

One day, I’ll have a team of people who will help me fundraise and help me sell books and blah blah blah, but for today, I just need to focus on the content, focus on the community, focus on the blogging and forget about all the other stuff.

Injury and Fever

Our house phone has been on the fritz lately. It basically hasn’t worked at all for the last month and we’re not exactly sure why. And everytime that we’re about to go out and buy a new phone or call our phone company, the thing suddenly starts working like they’re was never a problem.

I was never more grateful for this than I was yesterday. Just as I’m getting my boots on to go pick up the kids from school, after over a week of not ringing, the phone rings. It’s the school. Apparently, Carter had gone to the washroom and managed to hit his head and the school nurse was pretty sure he was going to need stitches. No one knew exactly what he had done.

I rushed down to the school as quick as my little legs would carry me and the school nurse offered to drive us up to the hospital. So thankful for that. We seriously need to get a vehicle… When I got to the school, they had a bandage wrapped about his head, so you couldn’t really see the damage done.

 

Carter in Bandages

Carter in Bandages

He was in surprisingly good spirits, talkative as always. We were told it would be a long wait but I thought it was just perfect. I had had just the right amount of time to keep myself from panicking. We got taken back to the minor treatment area and Carter was still doing so great. Talking away, telling stories to anyone who would listen, babbling to himself.

I did not expect the gash to be as big as it was. As they removed the bandage from his head, my hand covered the gasp as they revealed the cut. It was very deep and a lot larger than I had been prepared for. It took me awhile to get over that…

They put some freezing cream on his head first and that was on there for about 20 minutes. Then the doctor came in and Carter was very excited about the idea of getting a needle. When they jammed the needle into the open cut, he winced a little bit, but other than that, took it like a total champ. Didn’t cry at all and kept going off about how strong and brave he was.

They put 6-8 stitches on the inside, although none of us are sure because between the two nurses they brought in to hold him down, my Mom and I and the doctor, we were all cracking up laughing over Carter’s calm banter during this ordeal. He was having a great time. Then, 12 stitches on the outside. By this point, the freezing cream had started to wear off, so his skin was a little tender and couple times he tensed up, but other than it was easy as pie.

When he was done, he was hyper. He wanted to go places and do things and talk to his Dad. So, we left the hospital and went down to Wal-Mart to see The Boyfriend and pick up a few things for dinner and breakfast. Carter was bouncing off of walls by this point and we had a hard time keeping him from jumping into the way of other people.

He was very excited to see Daddy and this theme carried on for the rest of the night. When we got home, after a couple hours, he decided he was ready for bed. After sleeping for about half an hour, he woke up with a headache, as we expected. By this point, the gash had started to swell pretty bad and all Carter wanted was Daddy. He was crying so hard, “Please, call my Daddy!”. Just hearing his voice on the phone calmed him down enough to be able to give him some tylenol.

I had come home from the hospital to Kaeidyn complaining about her stomach. By the time Carter was needing tylenol, so was she as her stomach got worse and she started to get a fever. She kept me up most of the night last night with a pain in her stomach that she couldn’t describe, constant fluctuation between hot and cold and a mild fever. The 4 AM lukewarm bath seemed to do the trick and she slept until about 7 AM.

For the most part, she’s slept the day away. She’s still got a little bit of the fever but has stopped complaining about her stomach. And Carter has only complained about the bandaids, which seem to be pulling his hair a little bit. Other than that, he’s been a bundle of joy and has been helping take care of his sick sister and is his happy, normal self.

I didn’t start feeling the stress of the day yesterday until close to midnight and then it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so overwhelmed all of a sudden and I kept telling/asking myself that I had already done the hardest parts of the day, what was I freaking out about, but just could not quiet the stressed out feeling. By the time we went to bed, I just felt angry at the entire world. I was relieved beyond belief to wake up this morning and not feel any of those things. It’s incredible what stress can do to a person.

Now, it’s time to get to some computer work while I let the kids veg for a little while longer and then, dishes and dinner. Cannot wait for bed tonight, that’s for sure!

Countdown to Christmas Mumbo Jumbo

https://plus.google.com/u/0/105628325690137814860/posts/SAoeGUePbp9

My brain is seriously so filled up with stuff. It’s hard to differentiate, at this point, what the stuff that I need to retain is and isn’t. It’s my own fault really.

I can never tell if I really like this brain-filled state or if I really despise it. It’s almost a constant fluctuation between love and hate and maybe that adds to the brain-filled state. Back in the guitar ownership days, this would be a great time to be writing songs. Back in the coding obsession days, this would be a great time to be coding. In today’s day, it’s mostly just thinking and writing a lot about what I want to do and plan to do.

And that’s the part that is most frustrating about it all. Again, it’s my own fault really…

It seems to keep starting with Wikipedia. I go there to find out one thing, just one simple thing. It’s just something I want a quick answer to or that I’m curious about. Today, it was Oak Island because the last time I was at my Mom’s, there were these commercials about the show The Curse of Oak Island and then today, I read an article about Oak Island. Next thing you know, I’m reading all about the Ark of the Covenant and the Torah and Judiasm. You all remember what happened the last time I went on Wikipedia…

That is the start of the brain filling. Today and for everyday since the beginning of September, the kids have been in hardcore countdown mode for Christmas. I know for sure that I’ve talked about this before and in many different ways, but we are not celebrators of holidays. We’d like to be, but it’s hard to find a reason to when you have no religious or cultural reasons to do so, aside from capitalism. That’s a whole other rant for a completely different time (possibly even a completely different forum, and from a completely different person)…

Anyways, the countdown for Christmas is always this really rough time on my brain, because there is just so much to do. It starts with basically allowing everyone around me to plan what the kids are going to do for Christmas. Although it always really stresses me out, I’m always really thankful at the end of the year that the kids are surrounded by all this family. They go to their Dad’s, and their grandparents and ever since The Boyfriend and I have been together, we go as a family to at least two gatherings every Christmas, so planning all that – or rather, complying to others plans.

Then, the kids nag constantly about presents. They’ve all been on top of us every single day about getting their presents and what they want. Thinking about adding additional toys to their already over-flowing toy box is overwhelming to say the least. I know, I know – get rid of the old toys (I’m working on it). Thinking about all that money that doesn’t need to be spent, especially being that if I were a meaner parent, Santa would give my kids coal…

Every year, we get almost like a Christmas hamper from the school. Today, ours arrived. It took the focus off of the present (phew!) and now they are all over me about getting a Christmas tree. I keep pointing out to them that (a) You don’t need a tree to celebrate Christmas and (b) Last year, we didn’t even set up our Christmas tree until Christmas Eve and in the morning all of their present were there, just like they had been every single year before. I know that the reason they’re freaking out a little about it is that we had a Christmas tree in a box last year, but we had to throw that one away and haven’t bought another one yet. But again, refer to (a)…

And finally, the biggest stressor of the countdown to Christmas is the school concert. Last year, it was a disaster. One kid didn’t even make his performance, The Boyfriend missed the entire thing and the whole thing was seriously just a mess. The school sets it up weird and it’s a confusing thing to endure and it’s a night I’m supposed to be enjoying as a parent, but instead, ugh! And this year, I will have no other adults there with me – everyone has to work. Normally it’s The Boyfriend or my Mom, but this year, just me… Just thinking about it is making my pulse race. It is probably the most stressful night of the year…

I know, I’m like a big ole scrooge, grinchin’ it up. And I really seriously do hate that part of me, hate that I’m like that. It’s just one of those things I’ve never been able to kind of get over. And if I didn’t have kids, it wouldn’t matter at all and no one would think anything of it. But because I have kids, the whole game changes. And eventually, I’ll come to terms with that without question. However, until then, it will just be this thing that eats away at my holiday cheer.

Add on top of all that Christmas mumbo jumbo that I have about a million things that I’ve now decided I’m just going to call resolutions (even though, every year, I go through this spiel about how I don’t believe in resolutions and refuse to set any, and then go about setting them anyways, so it’s really no different; save for the fact that I’m no longer living in denial…), and I’m determined to do more than just talk about doing them.

However, that list is growing exponentially every single day and I’m starting to worry that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day… Can I just say again, “My brain feels like it’s going to explode a little bit…“?

Already Almost 2015…

It’s been quite a bit since I last wrote and I left off in a rather gloomy place. Mostly, I’ve barely been getting on my computer. We’ve been quite busy over the last little bit and The Boyfriend has had a number of days home, thanks to a nasty round of colds going through the house right now, so the computer has been neglected heavily.

So, when I last wrote, I was having quite the overall issue with a terrible rut I was stuck in. At this point, I’m pretty happy to report that it’s mostly dug out of. I get a whiff of it every once and awhile, but it’s been about three days now of relative fresh air. A lot of the ranting I was doing was related to The Boyfriend and our relationship, and although we haven’t exactly dealt with anything, we have had some pretty serious conversations over the last little bit. I wrote two posts that will probably never see the light of day about those conversations, but it released a good portion of that unbearable weight I was carrying around.

We “celebrated” Carter’s birthday during this weekend that just passed, even through everyone’s grumbly coughs and runny noses. First was his actual birthday, where we gave him some Minecraft books – which he has been absolutely obsessed with. So much so that for everyday since his birthday, he’s been waking up before 6 AM to be able to play… The next day, we went to Mom’s for a big dinner and that was also a really great day – as it usually is.

Starting next week, I have quite a few plans as I am desperate to start doing stuff involving The Erotic Writers Group again. I have left it alone for quite awhile, having lost my ability to do anything during that rut, and now I’m constantly wanting to get back into it. I have a couple ideas to keep things afloat should I end up back in that rut again, so I need to hash those out and my hope is that by January 2015 we will back up and into the full swing of things – plus some additional goodies.

I have a lot of hopes and goals coming into the 2015 year and I do this almost every year, where I come up with all these things that I’m going to do better this year than last. Generally, I fail miserably and for a lot of reasons. I tend to take on too much all at once across a whole bunch of different areas of interest and I try to do it all. These last couple of years have also been rough on us in terms of our luck and hopefully we’ve done all the stuff we need to do to make that different this year.

My big one for this year though is all centered around The Erotic Writers Group. I really want to get that where I want it to be and I really want to get some extra help with it, so that it’s a more manageable project. Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to bring all these ideas to life and make the whole thing a reality. This is what I plan I do over the next couple of weeks…

Well, it’s a quick update, I know. I hope to have more to talk about in the coming days. In the meantime, thanks for your patience and until the next time 😉

It’s All in My Head…

My sleep has just absolutely been sucking lately. I’ve managed to give myself a wicked headache almost every night before sleep for about a week now and waking up is just about the most impossible thing in the world for me right now.

The worst part of it all is the way that The Boyfriend is dealing with it. And I’m so unsure how to respond. I haven’t had this many sleeping issues since back when Alfie and I were still together. And when I’d sleep past noon and let the cleaning go by the wayside, it would be days and days of yelling and screaming, name-calling and on top of my own beating up of myself, there was his as well.

The Boyfriend on the other hand, comes upstairs and kisses me gently awake. It takes me a long time to respond to those kisses. I roll away from him, I stay asleep, and he’ll sit in the bed next to me playing on his cellphone. Then, when he’s officially ready to be done waiting, he’ll light a smoke. I often begin to stir, because the smell of smoke when I’m sleeping makes me immediately worry about fire. Then, when I begin the beating up myself for sleeping in past noon, he’ll wrap his arms around me and is the most comforting, “Oh, we don’t mind. It’s okay. You must’ve been really tired, because you didn’t flinch at all.”

A couple days back was a perfect example. I had planned the day before that we would wake up early the next day. The house is still mostly clean, but I wanted to get up early and just do some touchups. But the next morning, he was up early and I just could not open my eyes. When I did wake up, after noon, I immediately started in, “I can’t believe I slept that late.” and a whole bunch of profanities and negativity and he said, “It’s not like the house is that messy, so it’s no big deal that you slept in. If I were worried about it, I would’ve made sure you were awake.”.

My heart is so grateful to him and his wonderfulness and his understanding and his compassion and his support. My head is absolutely confused by it and also hates it all a little bit. So between my head and my heart, there’s a pretty big argument going on.

The rut that I’ve been in is not going away and I would argue that it’s getting worse. I seem to get through most of my day without being really aware of the feelings and then once the kids go to bed, I’m just bombarded with negative thoughts and feelings. I spent the night last night shushing myself to sleep, because my brain would just not stop making noise.

I’m refusing to call it anything close to depression, especially being that it’s not like any of my previous depressions. I’m still able to find stuff funny, I’m still able to laugh when my kids are being ridiculously adorable and I’m still interested in all my hobbies. The only part of it all that seems like depression is the very negative self-talk, the constant reeling of my brain and this overwhelmingly stressed out feeling. And a couple mini panic attacks, over things like cops parked outside of the house or the wind blowing just a little too hard.

Otherwise, it just feels like being kind of stuck. Can’t make any moves or do much of anything, just have to stay still. I call it a rut for exactly that reason. It’s like I was walking along one day and then I stepped down and fell into a rut. And now I’m trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it. And once I do, everything will be fine.

I keep thinking that I’m making some progress. Especially on those days when the waking up isn’t so hard, when the getting up and getting things done seems possible, it feels like I’m beginning my way out of it. And then the stupidest little things will throw me back down to the bottom of the rut and I have to start all over again. Lately, that stupid little thing is my sleeping habits.

I keep saying to myself, “Just get up. You just have to get up. It’s not that hard. One foot in front of the other. Get up!” and then I immediately feel like an idiot, because if it was just that simple, don’t you think I would do that. It always reminds me of the only time I’ve ever yelled at a doctor. She was going off about how I could “choose to be happy” and this was at the worst parts of my depression. I stood up and yelled at her, “If I could CHOOSE to be HAPPY, don’t you think I would?!? Why the hell else would I be here?!?”.

It’s a complicated time for me. Especially being that this is the first time I’ve ever experienced one of these situations without some kind of obvious trigger. Normally, this type of rut is brought on by finances or external stress, too much on my plate or relationships – something. But no matter how hard I search, I just can’t seem to find the thing that is keeping me here, in this perpetual rut. The only thing I keep coming back to is me. It’s all in my head. I’ve never experienced that before…

Thank You for Being You

I’ve gone a little Sims mad…

For almost an entire week now, I’ve been absolutely obsessed with this game. Starting a legacy-esque challenge, was definitely not a good idea for my addiction level. However, it’s doing a great job of keeping my spirits up, which lately is not being an easy thing to do.

I’ve written a huge ton of posts over the last few days. I think the last time I went through my draft folder (this morning), I was up to 13 drafts – and that’s only in about three days. I keep writing and then completely losing my train of thought or getting distracted by something and then I can’t seem to pick it up where I left off. And when I return a couple days later, I no longer feel the same way I did when I originally wrote the piece, so I can’t even pick up then…

It’s odd that I’m struggling so hard with this depressed feeling. I’m not really depressed, it’s just I don’t know what other word could possibly fit instead. It’s kind of my way of using an umbrella term to describe a whole bunch of emotions that are all out of whack. I just feel a general numbness, a lack of emotion, if you will. And I seem to only be able to recognize the negative emotions, like anger or sadness or stress, and don’t even notice if there are any positive ones going on.

I’m lucky that I’m surrounded by the people I’m surrounded by, who understand that this is just sometimes the way things are. That sometimes Mommy needs a little extra space, or sometimes your girlfriend isn’t going to laugh at your lame jokes, or sometimes I’m going to tear up for no reason. And I’m glad that during those times, while I struggle to figure out how to deal, they struggle with me and eventually we figure out how to get to the point where I’m feeling the support they’re giving me.

We’ve been on a mission to get our house spotless over the last few days. We’ve got an inspection coming up, so it has to be cleaner than our normal clean. I always stress out so much more than I need to over these inspections, although for the most part, I’m dealing with that pretty well. The Boyfriend has been beyond wonderful in terms of helping with the cleaning.

One thing that’s pissing me off, but also makes me love him more, is how he gives me praise for things I haven’t done. Like yes, I’ve been cleaning, but really… It’s not nearly as much as I should be, especially over the last week, since I’ve been sleeping so much. Today, I puttered and got most of the kitchen done and the floor swept. When he got home and started cleaning himself, and the kids were going off about me not helping, The Boyfriend kept saying I had already done so much today, that I shouldn’t have to do anything more. It’s sweet, but it’s also a little bit annoying, because I feel like he’s delusional when he does that. And he’ll do it over everything that I feel like I’m failing at.

But he also knows that I’m in this rut right now, that I’m not sure what’s causing it, that it’s only been a few weeks since we had our really serious discussion and all that equals a boyfriend who is over-compensating to make sure I know he’s there and loves me. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

Back-To-School Stressors

Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve actually published a post here. I’ve written a couple and saved them as drafts but haven’t actually published in a bit. Mostly because I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed.

I keep putting a lot of things on the back burner and then I feel rushed to catch up and it’s officially beginning to affect my mental well-being. I just feel stressed out all the time. And it’s not like I’m slacking on anything important, just mostly online work, but it’s very discouraging to not be able to take any of my great ideas into reality because of my lack of motivation…

It’s also been really warm and that’s putting a big stick in everything. Everyone is grumpier because of it, the kids seem to have a buttload more energy than normal and we all seem exhausted all the time from all the sweating and discomfort in the heat. I’ve been complaining about my hair a lot because it’s so long that it makes me feel hotter than it actually is.

The Boyfriend has a week of holidays coming up starting this weekend and I cannot tell you how excited I am for that. We’re hoping to get out for a beach day and I’m really hoping we’ll do one of our good old nature walks. I’m also hoping that we’ll figure out some sort of sleeping routine that will work a little better for us during that week – especially being that back to school is coming up soon.

And don’t even get me started about how stressed out all of that makes me feel. This time of year is always a really harsh time of year for me, and I always seem to forget how bad it is right up until it happens. Part of the biggest reason for it is that I would much rather homeschool my kids and I don’t and that often disappoints me. Originally, I had planned on homeschooling them but Alfie and much of my family was deadset against it. I caved (as I often did during those years) and put Kaeidyn into public school.

Then, that was just the natural progression of things from then on. A few years back, we started slacking pretty hard in terms of the kids schooling and it wasn’t until it was pointed out to me that I realized that part of the reason why we were slacking so hard is because I viewed the whole way they were being educated as such a failure on my part as a parent. To this day, I struggle with it and I notice that struggle the most as we come into the school year. But now, the kids like public school and they don’t want to be taken out of it.

It’s also Carter’s first year and first years always make me nervous. I mean, I’ve pretty much been doing them almost non-stop but it still just gets to me somehow. And I always tend to overthink the going back to school which makes me dread it even more and it’s just so much… I just have so much that I need to get done and it’s so hard to figure out what to get started with first…