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Bound to You

For the past few years on my FetLife profile, it has had some variation of this line included in it:

“I am in a monogamous vanilla relationship with The Boyfriend and you could say that that is the closest I get to bondage.”

I’ve often thought that this amazing song by Christina Aguilera (from Burlesque), sums up the sentiments of this line and therefore our relationship perfectly.

“Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?… I am bound to you”. Beautiful!

Sweet love, sweet love
Trapped in your love
I’ve opened up, unsure I can trust
My heart and I were buried in dust
Free me, free us
You’re all I need when I’m holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to you

So much, so young, I’ve faced on my own
Walls I built up became my home
I’m strong and I’m sure there’s a fire in us
Sweet love, so pure
I catch my breath with just one beating heart
And I embrace myself, please don’t tear this apart

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to

Suddenly the moment’s here
I embrace my fears
All that I have been carrying all these years
Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?
Fall

I can trust and boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
And finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am, ooh I am
I’m bound to you

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Nymphomaniac

Netflix recently added two titles that I decided to spend four hours on last night. Nymphomaniac Volume I and II. It’s one of the rare times I’ve left a movie on Netflix and had to give it a 5-star rating, because this movie seriously moved me.

I often have a huge attraction to these types of films for a whole lot of different reasons. Firstly, because they’re the only movies where women’s sexuality closely resembles my own desires, and you don’t feel isolated by that which you can’t relate to. I tend to be more moved by stories of highly sexualized women, because I am one.

Second, they are often very artistically done, and I can’t tell you how much I really appreciate that in a film. For example, Nymphomaniac started with a black screen and just sounds in the background. Then, there was a good few minutes where you were following sounds of a desolate alley as a light rain/snow fell – like the rain falling on the tin roof, or the squeak of a fan slowly turning, or the gentle clink of some kind of windchime. Scenes like this are so poetic to me and touch me on such a deep level. The movie is 100x better because of this small attention to detail.

Thirdly, these movies are often really great at making you think and use your brain – and movies like this always really excite me. They make you question your current ways of thinking about gender and the roles that plays in your life, sexuality and your thoughts regarding the whole spectrum of things that term encompasses, relationships and love and intimacy. All my favorite things to think about! I often walk away from these movies feeling like some profound change in my person has occured, and it’s one step closer to being the me I’ve always dreamed of being – and a movie that can do that to you… Pretty spectacular!

The Boyfriend came home from work about half an hour before I finished Volume II – the longer of the two movies. I paused to explain what was going on so that he could at least kind of watch, and in that paused time we talked and talked and talked. From his updates about work, to my thoughts about the movie so far, and even a quick run-down of the news aritcles we had both read throughout the day. Then, we watched the final thirty minutes.

Let me tell you, I was absolutely blown away by the ending. I was so upset by that ending (as I seem to be with many things that I’m watching lately), and I ranted and raved about the validation and then the sudden violation, I gawked and moaned. It was the perfect ending and the absolutely most terrible ending all in one swift blow and I loved it more for it and hated it all at the same time!

Since it was already getting late, The Boyfriend suggested we move upstairs. I had a feeling that we were probably going to get sexual with each other, but I wasn’t exactly sure since he was feeling pretty exhausted. After I laid down in bed and got all comfy, he kinda wrapped his arms around part of me so that he could lift me up on top of him. I was absolutely surprised to find him absolutely hard.

The sex was incredible! So incredible that out of nowhere, after years of begging, three hard slaps befell my rear and the experience from that point on was blissful. I had gone into the whole session thinking to myself that this and this and this thing was not going to happen because of all the denials that have been made to me. Like my go-to, I’m not going to give him oral sex unless he gives me oral sex – and all of those thoughts floated out of my mind and I couldn’t wait to give him more, give him anything.

And, after a really long time, too long of a time, I finally got oral. It felt so different than I remembered it, as I’m sure it always does after a long time of not having it. Two new modifications to a position spiced things up near the end and even though he basically begged for anal, we never actually got there. The orgasm, at the exact same moment, where I held him tighter than I ever have with my legs and arms wrapped about him and he gently kissed and stroked my neck and moved the hair out of my face, was the perfect cap to the incredible sex.

I rolled to the side, a sort of euphoric glow surrounding me, and he came up tight behind me and rubbed my arm gently before giving me the final kiss and saying “I love you”. I felt nothing but extreme gratefulness and absolute relief.

Today he kissed me and bit my lip gently as he pulled away. That grateful relief came flooding back to me.