That Particular Ex

I had an incredibly rough weekend that ended up being much more emotional than it should’ve been. I seriously have to give the biggest props to The Boyfriend for knowing just exactly how to support me without me once needing to ask for a single thing. He was clingy and cuddly at the perfect moments and gave me my space exactly when I needed it. I am incredibly lucky.

It started at my Mom’s. We had been asked to help my cousin move, so Mom volunteered to take the kids for the night. The Boyfriend had worked the night before and worked his butt off moving everything and we were both pretty exhausted by the time we got back to Mom’s at about nine.

Carter suddenly decided he wanted to come home. Originally, The Boyfriend and I were okay with him coming home. But then Mom wanted him to stay. Of course, by this point she had already started drinking, and instead of being nice to us about him staying, she snapped that we weren’t allowed to take him home and that he was staying with Grandma tonight. Now, I know that she meant it playfully and I know that she wasn’t trying to be rude, but my exhausted brain and The Boyfriend’s exhausted brain took it all as horribly offensive.

Just as we convinced Carter to stay, she threw up her hands and said “Whatever, take him home!” and the whole drama-for-no-reason just hit me. We made Carter stay, because he decided he was good, and when we left, I broke down in tears. It took me a bit to realize why I cried as hard as I did…

We got home and The Boyfriend and I enjoyed some quiet time together. It was honestly a seriously beautiful night and around midnight, we headed up to our room and commenced an intense blowjob session. Sleeping came easy.

Three hours later, our doorbell rung. It was Alfie. He had come into town for a night rather suddenly. He kept saying that it was because he missed the kids and wanted to see the kids. About an hour and a half into his early morning visit, I get a message from an ex-girlfriend of his asking where he is. Turns out, he’s not actually here to see the kids. He’s here to get a booty call from his ex but his phone died and so he didn’t have her address. So instead of going anywhere else or figuring anything else out, he came here.

I’ve been prepared for Alfie to start hooking up with other people for quite a long time now and I’ve been curious about how I might react. With Alfie, I was incredibly jealous and very possessive, although not entirely for the wrong reasons being that he was unfaithful… But I never in a million years thought that he would get back together, in anyway, with this particular ex.

This particular ex is tied pretty closely to our relationship. He broke up with me twice to be able to get into this girls pants. Each time they dated for less than two weeks and each time, he came crawling back to me. Each time, I was stupid enough to take him back. Everytime he came back to me, she’d start calling me constantly, threatening to beat me up, as soon as I wasn’t pregnant…

Alfie and I always had a “thing”. Well really, we had a lot of “things”. But one of our most notable “things” was roses. When we first started dating, he said something along the lines of, “Of all the flowers in the garden, you are the sweetest rose”, and that was it, roses became “our thing”.

After every stay in the hospital, after every fight and after every child, even when he proposed, I got 13 red roses. And every rose I ever received had it’s petals carefully picked after dying and stayed stored in a bag our entire relationship. For one of our anniversaries, he got me a silver rose that was engraved. It was a big deal.

When Alfie and his ex hooked up the second time, he gave her my rose…

This particular ex left a seriously sour taste in my mouth and after Alfie and I broke up the final time, she decided she was over Alfie and tried to become my friend. It’s been a rather unsuccessful journey for us, though I have babysat her kids and we are Facebook friends. We agreed, her and I, that Alfie would be off limits to us both from now on. Alfie agreed that she would be off limits.

I mean, I wrote my best and most saddest song about this particular ex…

So, to not only catch him trying to hook up with her, but also to get the information straight from her before him, seriously broke my heart. I spent an entire day and a half in a deep, dark funk. The amount of disrespect I feel he has for me is just so intense to me.

He tried to compare it to The Boyfriend and I, because The Boyfriend used to be his friend. That’s how I met The Boyfriend, through Alfie. And Alfie had always feared that The Boyfriend and I would get together. It was his worst nightmare coming true. However, before anything even began to happen between The Boyfriend and I, before we even began flirting with each other, I went to Alfie (even though I didn’t have to, he had broken up with me) and asked him how he would feel if The Boyfriend and I hooked up or started dating. I asked him for permission to make any advancements with The Boyfriend and he said yes.

I have outright said no, and I’ve asked so freaking nicely.

He made it sound like he understood and like he wasn’t going to do anything. But then she called… She called my phone… He said that he couldn’t come over just yet because he was planning on taking the kids to breakfast. I went and got the kids early from Grandma’s so that they could spend the day with their Dad. Turns out, it was only breakfast. The moment that was done, he was off to her. Except he couldn’t remember her address, so after leaving for an hour, he was back on my doorstep asking if he could use my phone to message her. Like a sucker, I let him…

We are so civil to each other when we’re around one another. It feels like we’ve both moved on and away from hatred and bitterness. But his actions this weekend feel like utter contempt for me. And I have to wonder what the hell I ever did to him to make him hate me so much? To make him disrespect me so blatantly?

I’m more or less over the whole thing now, assuming it was just a booty call and doesn’t become a relationship – because that, I don’t think I can deal with at all. Mainly because I can’t stand the concept of that particular ex being my baby’s step-mom. I actually already know that will have negative effects on absolutely everyone, and most especially him.

Series of Amazing Days

I love when a series of days just goes so well. I mean, it hasn’t been perfect. The kids have been beyond irritating these last couple of days, mainly the boys. They have too much energy, too much strength, too much sudden emotion – it’s freaking exhausting. But save for the boys being brats, it’s been wonderful.

First, the weather has been blissful. It’s been hot, the sun has been shining bright and even though we all get a little bitchy about the heat at night, it’s so great. We’ve been desperate to get out of the house a lot, although it’s not being as easy as we’d like with The Boyfriend and his sleep schedule right now.

Today, we decided to wake up early and hit the beach. Best day ever! We missed our turn and ended up having to take a detour to The Boyfriend’s old hometown and he always enjoys doing that so much. He loves to show off all his favorite teenage haunts. Then, we got to the beach and almost immediately the kids were in the water.

The Boyfriend and I built sand castles together and then separately. He always gets a huge kick out of it, I never seem to be able to realize my vision. I had more fun tearing mine down than putting it up. We played at the beach for a good two hours and then headed back home.

The Boyfriend went for his sleep when we got home and the kids sat down to watch some Netflix quietly. Within thirty minutes, everyone but Kaeidyn was falling asleep where they sat. Keirnan and I dozed off for a good two hours, Kenzie slept almost the rest of the night and Carter probably slept for about an hour. It was amazing!!

The Boyfriend just has tonight left and then he’s got two days off. I’m so looking forward to getting a good night of sleep next to my man. I plan to go to bed early so that the night goes by faster. Hopefully we have more amazing series of days this summer.

Brain War – It’ll Pass…

I have been trying like crazy to publish something but it is just not working for me lately. I have been hating everything that I’ve been doing lately, I haven’t been able to hold concentration for anything and by the time that I decide that I’m done, I’ve decided that what I’ve just done sucks and delete it all without even thinking about it…

I don’t think I’ve been critical of anyone else except myself, although I may be wrong, but this last week or so has been a lot of me beating myself up over rather trivial things. The kids talk back one too many times, and suddenly I become the worst mom in the world. The shirt hugs my left love handle just a little too tightly and suddenly I become a beached whale that immediately needs to diet. The show makes me tear up a little bit and suddenly I become a whiny baby. I use the wrong word one time in a sentence and suddenly I’m unintelligent. And it’s not because anyone is saying that or giving me that vibe or anything like that. It is strictly an internal battle, a brain war.

I can probably come up with a ton of a reasons why it’s happening, although I don’t know if I believe any of them are the actual cause. I think my brain is just trying to figure out next steps and it needs to struggle to get there. I’m hoping that that’s what it is anyways. Especially being that it all seems so trivial and just downright stupid.

I’ve also got a lot of “projects” going on, which is probably another big contributor to my brain war. From the to-do list that is so out of control now that I don’t even want to talk about it, to two major projects that I’m attempting to keep mum about (and it’s killing me!), and a whole bunch of other small things – I have all these ideas that are abounding and that just seem halted. Because the battle is still waging.

I know it’ll pass. It always does. But the waiting is driving me up the wall…

10 Times My Kids Were Hilarious!

Over the years on social media, I have tracked various funny or quirky things that my kids have said. Tonight, I was going through old Facebook and Twitter posts and among a variety of great gems (like this shot), I found some seriously funny things.

So, I thought it would be fun to share with you 10 times that my kids made me laugh out loud.

  1. Not Sure What “Dagged” Means

  2. Don’t Mess With the Bacon

  3. For When Barbie Goes Ziplining

  4. I Keep Saying “Definition of Insanity”…

  5. Turn on the Lights

  6. Kids, Dating and Breakups

  7. Sprite or Water on the Face

  8. He Claims “I Help!”

  9. A Variation of “Who’s on First”

  10. Exciting Attitude Girl

I feel old…

I’m not exactly sure how long this feeling has been brewing, but it’s officially beginning to boil over and the kettle’s beginning to scream.

I can’t tell you exactly what the feeling is. It’s a mixture of a whole bunch of negative things and some really positive things and it’s honestly just a big ball of mess. It’s like tangled up yarn that I’m not prepared to start unraveling.

There’s been a lot of stuff going on in the world around me the last little while. A lot of stuff that I feel completely detached from, even though they’re happening right in front of me and all over me.

Everyone seems to be moving forward and upward at this incredible speed. My kids are all getting older and smarter and better at everything. My partner is making advancements in his job and reaching huge milestones in a persons life. Everyone is in motion towards something, be it teenagehood, middle-age, middle-school or management. Everyone is moving.

Everyone but me. And honestly, I don’t want to move. And that right there is the entire freaking problem…

I’ve written about five posts in the last two days trying to hash out all the stuff that’s going on and all the ways I feel about it and all the crap that’s going through my head, but I just can’t seem to put any of it into words at all – in print or verbally.

The Boyfriend’s been asking, he’s been patiently trying to get me to talk to him about whatever is on my mind, but I just don’t know how to formulate the words and when I do come up with words, they’re all the wrong ones. None of what I say is what I want to say…

Ugh, I said I was going to get a post out today. There’s my post…

Restrained and Released

A few weeks back, I did some more online shopping and bought stuff specifically for The Boyfriend. Namely, two different types of masturbators. I also got an under-the-bed restraint system.

I always think we’re going to use the stuff the same day it arrives, but it normally ends up sitting in the box for a few weeks without even a thought given to it, before we finally open it up and look at it.

We had experimented with the masturbators already, but I decided that last night, I was setting up that restraint system, with or without his pre-approval. And so, after a good long almost two-hour bath, I decided to set this thing up. It took me about two seconds and being that I wasn’t betting on it’s use, I just kinda slid it under the mattress and left it there.

Even though The Boyfriend had now been up for almost 36 hours, I was determined we were having sex. After three weeks of riding the red wave, I was finally not bleeding and all I could think about was finally having something other than a solitary mastrubatory orgasm. And he was excited to oblige, which I wasn’t expecting and added to the anticipation.

We stayed up way later than we were expecting to. I mean, the kids didn’t go to bed until almost one in the morning, so it was way late. And I don’t know how he managed, other than a great deal of determination and for that I am thankful.

It started on the couch after we had both taken baths separately. I had gone first and then when he was up in his bath, I played games. When he was done, he had me keep playing while he did some playing of his own. As zombies attacked me and I smashed cars into tree after tree after tree, his fingers playfully roamed my freshly shaved flesh. About half an hour or so passed before we finally made our way upstairs.

Almost immediately, he was putting the restraints to use. He laid me on my back and roughly grabbed my left leg, yanking it up above my head and securing the velcro on the first strap. Then, he gently lifted my right leg and kissed my ankles as he strapped the next restraint onto me. I told him that he could tighten it by pulling “this” strap, I signaled with my chin. He smiled and pulled on the straps, my feet now touching the wall behind my head.

He sat back for a minute and admired his work. I delighted in this probably more than anything else. His hands went from around my ankles, where the straps were, to slowly make their way down the back of my legs, across the fold of my knee, up my thighs and resting nicely on my ass at the end. He smiled at me, this mischievous look in his eyes, and I could tell he was debating about his next move.

He grabbed my hands and strapped them into the cuffs at the bottom of the bed and tightened them a little bit. He raised up his hand and brought it down quickly on the left side of my ass, hitting the best spot possible. He did again on the other side and followed it quickly with soft kisses – and his facial hair set my body on fire. I shivered violently as he kissed the tip of my clit.

He just gently rubbed the tip of his cock against my wet slit and I knew he was ready for penetration. “Go slow, because I think it’s going to hurt” and he went really slow. The way that felt… I could feel every single little bump and ridge of his cock perfectly and I cooed at all the different sensations.

I’m a pretty flexible person for the most part. It’s not very often that we struggle to get me into all sorts of crazy positions. But with my feet above my head and my hands stretched below my ass, it felt like the angle he was going in at was much more intense than normal – as if he was filling every piece of available space. He was also leaning more back on his heels, so that right there always changes the way it feels.

He was obviously enjoying the show and I was obviously enjoying that. And when he pulled himself almost all the way out and raised his hand, we both exchanged devious smiles as he quickly brought his hand down onto that delicate area where ass meets thigh. I pulled against all four restraints and said, “My body…”, and he engulfed me, putting his hands in my hair and showering my cheeks, forehead, neck and ears with lingering kisses. His hands caressed down my sides, taking in the curve of my breasts with his weight bared upon them, and the fold of my hip from my bent up legs, and ran his fingers over my wetness and around his girth.

I relaxed back, the cool breeze from our open window hitting the line of sweat that had formed across my forehead, and he lifted off of me and played in the wetness between my legs. His fingers kept traveling further and further back and when he pulled out of me, I knew he was going to try for anal. If I wasn’t already absolutely sure of it, the succession of two or three good whacks on the ass and the rubbing of copious amounts of precum right on the entrance point were damn sure signs.

He moved his head around the straps now dangling in my face and kissed me hard. I reached my hands to my ass and gently pulled at my cheeks, hoping to make the interaction easier than it has been of late. Slowly, he eased his way in. He asked, “Are you okay?” and I nodded fervently. He whispered, “Good girl”, as he ran a finger over my temple and up through my hair. He pushed just a little bit harder and I gasped, “Wait!”. He stopped dead and waited for my next move.

I groped with my hands and he released the right one – my clit rubbing hand. I reached between my legs and felt around at what was happening and he sat completely still waiting for me. I tried to make it feel wetter, easier somehow. But he felt so massive, so unbearable. I tried rocking against him a little bit, relaxing onto him. But I felt so small, so breakable.

I said, “I can’t…”, defeated. He bent over and kissed me hard, “Such a good girl”, and I slowly guided him out of me. I commented right then and there that I did not realize how deep he was and I could not believe that I chickened out right then and there. He paid no attention and put his tongue to work on my still wet pussy.

My toes had begun to tingle. I wriggled them for a good five minutes, not wanting to released. One final slap on my ass was all I could handle, and as I pulled hard against the cuffs, I asked him to let my legs down. He did this part so sensually. He pulled slowly at the velcro strap, and was careful to not let my leg just fall or bounce down. He kissed all the way around my ankle where the strap had been left and gently set my leg down on the bed beside him, rubbing his fingers back up over it. The same on the other side and I immediately wrapped them around him, pulling him in tight for a good long mid-sex session hug.

We took a five minute drink break and I don’t think any drink has ever been so refreshing.

I had been fantasizing all day about taking his reversible masturbator and putting it on him and then sitting on him facing away from him, so that he could see the masturbator/penis/pussy combo. I decided now would be the perfect time.

The masturbator was a bit stubborn to put on, but we had anticipated that from a previous session with it. Once it was securely in place, I eagerly crawled on top of him and he was excited about the position (as he always in anytime I’m on top). He had the smooth side of the masturbator against him and the nubby side was sticking out. Man, were those nubbies ever noticeable at first, and almost not in a good way. It took quite awhile of going back and forth on them for them to start feeling anything less than weird and then, almost as soon as I got to that point, I got to the point of not being able to feel them at all. I could feel the veins in his cock better than I could the nubs on the toy.

He had had enough of the feeling of the masturbator. I have no idea how it felt for him, but he was ready for the real fucking of the night to begin. He was ready for orgasms.

He laid me on my back and swiftly penetrated me, hard and deep, his hands roughly on my shoulders pushing me down onto him. He told me to cum on his cock and I manically worked on my clit as he thrust hard into me. I came quickly and he said, “Now onto the next one!”. He pulled my legs this way and that, adjusting for deeper penetration and then easing up and going hard again, varying his speed, depth, angles, and rhythm. I continued circling my clit frantically.

I told him I was close and he thrust harder and faster. At the exact same moment, we both grunted out, “I’m cumming!” and my orgasm seemed to suspend itself on the pulses of his orgasm. I could literally feel his every drop deep within me. His orgasm finished and I immediately went to work on finishing that suspended orgasm. I felt like I had had my second but like I wasn’t done at all.

I’ve never worked harder to make something happen faster in my life!

He gently rocked his softening cock inside of me and his hands freely explored every exposed piece of flesh. The breeze brushed my nipples and the sweat in my hair made me shiver. His hands gathered up both my breasts and as I erupted into a blissful orgasm, he lowered his lips to mine and we kissed passionately as I quaked beneath him.

I sprawled out beneath him and he laid on me, putting his ear right next to my lips. Our hearts slowed, our breathing synced and his hand gently pushed my hair back away from my face. One last long kiss and an “I love you” was exchanged, before he gently rolled off of me.

I rolled onto my side and he wrapped his hand tight around me, his arm between my breasts, our bare bodies snuggled tight against one another. He kissed my shoulder, “Have a good sleep”. Next thing I knew, it was dinnertime the next day.

#WTMFI: Riding the Red Wave

I am not impressed with my body…

More specifically, I am not impressed with my body’s reproductive organs…

It’s almost been an entire month of “breakthrough bleeding”.

I had alluded awhile back to a later-than-expected period awhile back. That was a week late and I was seriously freaking out that I was pregnant. The Boyfriend didn’t hate the idea and that freaked me out even more. But then a week later, normal regular period comes along.

All is well and fine for the week of my period and then I have a week of no bleeding. During this week, I was suffering with a lot of stomach upset, specifically near my c-section incision scar (so uteral area) – but I just figured it was from all the walking, or all the eating of not-so-good-for-me food, or even just the normal regular cramps.

Woke up one morning bleeding and I’ve been bleeding ever since…

What I need to do is suck it up and go see a doctor. I need to get up off my butt, get over whatever the heck my current issue is, and just go to the doctor.

However, it’s being one of the hardest things to convince myself to do…

I just feel like I know how it’s all going to go down.

About 4 or 5 years ago, my menstruation was all screwed up and this was back when I was regularly seeing a doctor, because I had been suffering with a lot of joint pain. I had a year straight of bleeding after Carter was born and then I had a year of not bleeding at all.

And every time I think about this time, I just remember having to go for an internal ultrasound while I was bleeding and it being an incredibly uncomfortable experience. And then I remember going to my doctor and hearing that they could find no reason or explanation or treatment for the bleeding, and that I would basically just have to ride the red wave for an indefinite period of time…

And I just don’t want to go through any of that again…

But eventually, I’m seriously just going to have to…

 

The Cleaning Never Ends

I’ve been having this problem for days now. Everyday when I wake up, the first thing I do is open my computer. Facebook, Twitter, FetLife and Google+ get opened first and sometimes this can take a little bit. I try not to get stuck on any one of them but instead try to hop back and forth between them. If I focus for too long, I start thinking too much.

Then I pop open WordPress and check through the stats on my blog(s). I check and see which posts, if any, are doing really good. I respond to any comments and then I often go to write. Usually, I just write and write and write until I feel content and then I hit publish without much thought. If I were writing this for you, dear reader, I might edit or spend more time on it. But I’m writing this for me, so… My standards are pretty low 😉

However, lately (I’m blaming it on my graveyard brain still), I just can’t seem to write anything that makes much sense. It all just reads back like gibberish to me…

We’ve been doing a lot of cleaning this week. Maybe even longer. It’s gotta be the warmer weather or something, but it is being just about the most challenging thing ever. I cannot get over how much time I’ve spent cleaning, how much effort everyone seems to be putting in, and how little of a change it seems to make.

It would all make more sense if we moved around the house more. But, we really don’t. I have my spot on the couch and a little table beside me. The Boyfriend sits right next to me and Carter normally right next to him. The older kids either sit on the floor or on the other couch. When they move, the only places they go are outside or up to their rooms. So, what I want to know, is how, if no one is spending time in the kitchen, how my kitchen always ends up as the messiest place in the house.

It would even make sense if we were cooking dinner in our kitchen on a regular basis, but recently, we’ve been ordering out a lot. We’ve been getting things you pop into the oven without any dishes. We’ve not been using our kitchen enough for it to make sense for there to be the mess that seems to be there everytime I wake up… It’s like destructive toddler elves are sneaking into our house while we sleep…

I am honestly so jealous of people with clean houses. I wish it were for lack of effort, because at least when it was that, I didn’t feel so terribly about the messes. But now, working my butt off day after day to keep some semblance of tidiness, and having it all be for naught, I just feel utterly ashamed of it. I don’t know how anyone ever has done this at any point of time… And I am so jealous of the people who can.

All that being said, I know from experience that the only way to get through it all is to just keep cleaning and just keep smiling. I’m doing everything in my power to ensure that I don’t let the constant repetitiveness get me down, because if I don’t keep on the messes, I’m terrified to find out what I’ll wake up to next!!! Plus, I know that eventually it will pass and it won’t seem so hard for at least a little while.

I’m going to say it’s weather-related and it’s the adjusting to a new season. Once we’re fully into Spring, it’ll be fine and then when we transition into Summer, it’ll get a little out of control again and then it’ll be fine. That thought brings me a great deal of comfort.

Well, I know that there’s tons more to write about but my brain is now officially on cleaning, so I might as well get up and start that before I have to go get all the brats from school. Hoping the sunshine sticks around for my walk.

Video

Bound to You

For the past few years on my FetLife profile, it has had some variation of this line included in it:

“I am in a monogamous vanilla relationship with The Boyfriend and you could say that that is the closest I get to bondage.”

I’ve often thought that this amazing song by Christina Aguilera (from Burlesque), sums up the sentiments of this line and therefore our relationship perfectly.

“Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?… I am bound to you”. Beautiful!

Sweet love, sweet love
Trapped in your love
I’ve opened up, unsure I can trust
My heart and I were buried in dust
Free me, free us
You’re all I need when I’m holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to you

So much, so young, I’ve faced on my own
Walls I built up became my home
I’m strong and I’m sure there’s a fire in us
Sweet love, so pure
I catch my breath with just one beating heart
And I embrace myself, please don’t tear this apart

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains?
I’ve finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am bound to

Suddenly the moment’s here
I embrace my fears
All that I have been carrying all these years
Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?
Fall

I can trust and boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains?
And finally found my way

I am bound to you
I am, ooh I am
I’m bound to you