Brain War – It’ll Pass…

I have been trying like crazy to publish something but it is just not working for me lately. I have been hating everything that I’ve been doing lately, I haven’t been able to hold concentration for anything and by the time that I decide that I’m done, I’ve decided that what I’ve just done sucks and delete it all without even thinking about it…

I don’t think I’ve been critical of anyone else except myself, although I may be wrong, but this last week or so has been a lot of me beating myself up over rather trivial things. The kids talk back one too many times, and suddenly I become the worst mom in the world. The shirt hugs my left love handle just a little too tightly and suddenly I become a beached whale that immediately needs to diet. The show makes me tear up a little bit and suddenly I become a whiny baby. I use the wrong word one time in a sentence and suddenly I’m unintelligent. And it’s not because anyone is saying that or giving me that vibe or anything like that. It is strictly an internal battle, a brain war.

I can probably come up with a ton of a reasons why it’s happening, although I don’t know if I believe any of them are the actual cause. I think my brain is just trying to figure out next steps and it needs to struggle to get there. I’m hoping that that’s what it is anyways. Especially being that it all seems so trivial and just downright stupid.

I’ve also got a lot of “projects” going on, which is probably another big contributor to my brain war. From the to-do list that is so out of control now that I don’t even want to talk about it, to two major projects that I’m attempting to keep mum about (and it’s killing me!), and a whole bunch of other small things – I have all these ideas that are abounding and that just seem halted. Because the battle is still waging.

I know it’ll pass. It always does. But the waiting is driving me up the wall…

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Ranting About Sleep and Blogging

I seriously need to put an end to this crazy sleep schedule The Boyfriend and I are currently on. As I write this post, it is 4 AM in the morning. I woke up at 1 PM yesterday and haven’t slept yet and at the rate we’re going, it doesn’t look like we’re going to sleep for a bit yet.

For him, it makes sense. He’s gearing up for graveyards, he’s on holidays. But me… I mean, yes, I am a total night owl but this is just not natural…

It doesn’t help that all my creative energy decides to start flowing best after 2 AM and it doesn’t help that late at night is the only time that there aren’t a bunch of kids making a bunch of noise and it definitely doesn’t help that The Boyfriend and I can so easily go on for hours and hours and hours after what should reasonably be our bedtime.

At least when I stay up late like this, it’s not like I’m just sitting around doing nothing. I’m getting tons and tons and tons done. I’m getting so much done online that it’s a little bit ridiculous. I’m checking things off my virtual to-do list before they even make it on there. And I wish I could say that it felt good, but I just keep thinking I’m forgetting something and I definitely keep thinking I should be doing more.

Then I kick myself in the ass for even beginning to think like that. I told myself I wouldn’t. It always happens this way too. I spend a lot of time on my computer stuff. The things that I absolutely need to get done on the computer, such as The Erotic Writers Group’s #WritingChallenges for #EroticWriters, can sometimes take me up to six hours and that happens at least twice a week, not to mention the good two hours I spend every day on it. And I haven’t even begun to factor in my own personal blogging goals, which always come secondary to the group.

So I start to think that I’m working a full-time job here, I should start figuring out how to monetize it in some way, especially being that there is so much that I still want to do and so much of it requires money. I should host a Kickstarter campaign, I should sell eBooks, I should make products and use affiliate links and… and… and…

And then I remember, that is exactly why I took my last blogging hiatus and every blogging hiatus I’ve ever taken. It’s too much pressure, too much to think about, too much on top of everything else.

One day, I’ll have a team of people who will help me fundraise and help me sell books and blah blah blah, but for today, I just need to focus on the content, focus on the community, focus on the blogging and forget about all the other stuff.

Time for the Neglect to End!

I have been neglecting The Erotic Writers Group and our #WritingChallenges for two weeks now. I hate it and I’m ready for the neglect to end!

I’m blaming it on a few different things. First, the massive amount of graveyard shifts The Boyfriend has been working lately. I think he’s up to four so far. I guess it’s part of preparing him for full-time graveyards or something, since he’ll be going to that sometime near his birthday. I cannot tell you how unhappy I am about it and yet, how happy I am for him about it.

I know he really liked working graveyards. He also seemed to be able to progress through the ranks faster when he was working graveyards, whereas on days, he’s been stuck for a really long time. I know that for him, graveyards is a better deal. So, I’m happy for him but I’m dreading the whole graveyard thing…

It screws with my sleep so much. I stay up later on nights before he works, getting ready for the shift with him. I sleep later because as long as he’s still in bed, I stay in bed. I need to get to a place where I can just carry on as if he’s not working graveyards… Maybe that will come after the first 3 months or so…

I’ve also been busy offline, trying to keep the house clean. It is not being an easy task at all. Now that we’re cleaning more often it seems like the house is getting dirtier so much faster. It’s truly exhausting and I have officially decided that when I win the lottery (after I start playing), my first mission is to get a housemaid, because I’d like to retire from the duty of cleaning altogether.

I made the boys cleaning out the toy box yesterday and you cannot believe how much that seemed to cheer me up. Getting rid of all the broken and mismatched toys was just about the best thing ever. However, now they’ve discovered toys they haven’t seen in months from the bottom of the toybox and so toys are strewn everywhere right now. It’s a bit of a pain, but it’s one of those ones that you end up being grateful for.

So, my goal this weekend is to get back to our #WritingChallenges for #EroticWriters, complete a project that I’ve been working on for about a week (and that I’m keeping mum about it until it’s done) and keep my living room clean for the whole weekend! Plus, I’ve got dinner down at my Mom’s, where I plan to play guitar for at least 2 hours. So, YAY for the weekend!!

Anyone got any big plans for Valentine’s Day?

It’s a Good Thing I’m Flexible…

For all the bitching and moaning I do about desperately wanting a more controlled life and a routine and blah blah blah, I’m sometimes incredibly thankful that I’m as flexible as I am and that I can roll with the metaphorical punches relatively easily. I mean, it’s not always true. Sometimes, it blows up in my face and I just sit there with my jaw gaping, but for the most part, I roll easily.

I had had all these super big massive plans. January 1st was going to be the date. All these things were going to happen on January 1st and that was the day I was planning them. Out of all the big plans I had made, the laundry list of to-dos, the only thing that got checked off the list – as in, nothing at all left to do – was sending out a tweet.

However, that’s not to say that I’ve given up hope altogether. Just pushed my deadline back a couple days and now, not only am I breathing easier and feeling better than I did during my last post, I’m also thinking that ultimately, it ends up working out better this way. There was a few days where I wasn’t sure how I was going to work them, but now, the problem has been eliminated thanks to extenuating circumstances. Silver linings and all 😉

And even though my deadline got pushed way far back, thanks to a back spasm that just wouldn’t leave me alone, I managed to get the motivation and desire to hash out the final touches on the last remaining projects and now all that’s left to do is the big moment of pushing the publish button and then it’s just a matter of maintaining again.

I guess I still need the routine and all that stuff eventually. But for now, it worked out 😉

 

It’s finally over!!

Christmas, that is. I’m more excited about the end of Christmas than Christmas itself. The older kids left around noon on Christmas day and aside from the constant “I’m bored” from Carter, it’s been beautifully quiet and relatively relaxing.

Christmas was really good too. The Boyfriend ended up doing all the shopping this year during his lunch breaks in the 2 or 3 days leading up to Christmas. He really spoilt the kids like crazy. Kaeidyn got a stereo and a huge makeup kit, Kenzie got lots of lego stuff, Keirnan got Transformers stuff (“just like I wanted”) and Carter got some Minecraft stuff. They were all through the moon with their gifts. I got a cellphone from The Boyfriend, mostly because our house phone crapped out and we both got a new set of dishes.

After the older kids left to their Dad’s house, The Boyfriend, Carter and I went over to his sister’s place for a delicious turkey dinner. It was so different from how it normally works going over – typically there’s about 5 adults and 8 kids and you leave with such a headache from all the noise. This time, there was 4 adults and 2 kids and we left and everyone was quiet and no one had a headache. It was so different.

Today I dedicided, kind of out of the blue, to go over to my Mom’s for a little bit. I just felt a little cooped up and spur of the moment asked if she’d be down for company. That was a nice little bit of time out of the house. Ran into some people from what feels like a really long time ago and spent a little bit of the day in a funk over that and then watched one too many hours of Oprah, so now I’m in that state of kind of heartbroken hope (hopeful heartbreak?) that she has the ability to put me in.

I’ve got lots of stuff that I’m supposed to be doing. I said, when I came back to blogging, that I wasn’t going to do this again and then… Since I’m such a good little blog-a-holic, did exactly what I set out not to do. Although, I’m not doing it in my personal blogging, which I guess means I mostly succeeded.

On my immediate to-do list is add the finishing couple of sentences to two draft posts, queue up three posts, create and add a total of ten to twelve images to those three posts and that’s just what I need to get done in the next 3 or 4 hours. Tomorrow, I have to get to work on writing challenges and for some reason, I just can’t make myself focus on it for anything. Planning all of it, I’m doing great and I’m so organized and that whole part of it is working out beautifully and exactly as planned (yes I plan my planning, don’t you?!?). But actually doing it all… Just need to breathe and get to it!

I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to getting 2015 underway. I normally look forward to the coming year because it means the horrible year that has just happened will finally be over. 2014 wasn’t an altogether terrible year. We didn’t have nearly as much drama this year as we have in years past, our finances weren’t as dire as they have been in years past and even parenting, while not by any means easier, wasn’t as challenging as it has been in the past. So instead of looking forward to 2015 to escape the tragedy that was 2014, I’m actually looking forward to 2015 to continue on the decency that was 2014.

It’s a very different way of thinking for me…

Always with the Planning…

I always forget how much being a few kids short totally relaxes and rejuvinates. You don’t realize how burnt out parenting is making you until you get a break, and then the whole world just feels a ton lighter.

Dealing with one kid instead of four of them is so crazy easy. Especially with Carter at the age that he’s at, where he’s easy to get interested in something. I have spent pretty much the whole day today in complete silence (outside of asks for drinks) and almost completely by myself, because he’s been having fun playing upstairs.

That being said, I do miss the older ones. Boy was it ever a good thing they left when they did, because that night we got a ridiculous amount of snow and the roads have been horrible. They’ll be coming home Sunday night, assuming that the roads aren’t absolutely terrible, so that will be nice.

Sometime this weekend, I’ve gotta go do some grocery shopping. I was supposed to go last weekend but kept procrastinating all week and now it needs to get done! When it’s cold outside, I’d rather just stay in my house. Unfortunately, that’s not really practical. So, I’m hoping tomorrow, I will get up the motivation to go out and get my grocery shopping done. I always hate doing it without The Boyfriend, but I gotta suck it up.

Then on Sunday, big house cleaning. I want to get so much done that it’s a little bit ridiculous and I’m sure that I’m not going to get it all done, but I’m hoping. I really want to clean my bookshelf again, because Carter absolutely destroyed it looking for a specific book. Now all my organized work is unorganized…

Plus, I’m only a few chapters away from the end of Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf, so I’m hoping this weekend will be the weekend that I finish it. Such a good read and I love how after every session of reading, I feel like I’ve learnt a little bit more about myself – even though the story is more of a autobiography of life as a girl in San Francisco during the ’70s (and I am only one of those things…), I’m finding a lot of it to be good conversation fodder. Just a few more chapters 😉

Well, now that I’ve unleashed my to do list on you, what are your plans for this upcoming weekend?

Exploding Head Syndrome

I hate that I didn’t spend more of my teenage life reading. I mean, I read quite a bit during those years. Probably just a little bit more than the average teenager, but looking back on it, I wasn’t reading the right books.

Now, not only do I have a buttload of books that I’m trying to read and want to read but I also have all these blogs that I want to read, all these FetLife posts that are super important to read, all this information to consume. And there just simply isn’t enough time in the day.

Yesterday, we went down to visit my Mom and she decided a trip to Value Village was necessary. The kids were all so excited and my thoughts immediately went to books. The last time we were at VV, I got something like 6 books for $12 and one of them was my epic Sherlock Holmes (which I’m still in the process of reading). I love the book section here. Wouldn’t you know I found more books. So now, my bookshelf which is already so full you can longer see wood, has two new-to-me additions (plus a few more kids books), Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf and ManifestA by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards.

I started with Promiscuities because I read The Beauty Myth back in highschool. I’ve always loved Naomi Wolf’s style as a writer and find her writing to be so easily consumable.

It now takes the number of books I’m reading (and this does not include any I’ve started online – except Flatland) up to 8 – 8 books at one time! Which also wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I am certainly not dedicating enough of my life to all this reading. After realizing all this during a migraine last night and a grumpy wake up this morning, I have decided that I need to get some stuff in order.

I need to set aside a certain time each day to read my offline books – like an hour or a chapter of reading one of these 8 books every night. Then, I need to set a certain time each day to read all my online stuff – and this could potentially get up there in time, because there is just so much!

I haven’t even begun to actually follow blogs yet, just followed my followers back. I’ve taken no time at all to get comfortable with WordPress’ “Reader”, so that I can successfully do what I need to do with all the great stuff I’m reading. Everything’s just a little all over the place and I need to figure out what I need to do to change that.

I have all these plans and ideas. I want to get The Erotic Writers Group back up to full-steam by January, I want to blog about this and that thing and I want to post this and that, and I just have no focus with all these ideas bopping about in my head.

My head just feels a little bit like it’s going to explode. So much I want to do, so much that has to be done, so not enough time in the day or enough energy. Need to make some changes!

Finally Did It!

Well, it only took me forever and a day, but I finally got some stuff checked off my neverending online to-do list and I foresee a night filled with checking off more – assuming I don’t suddenly get ridiculously distracted.

My big “finally did it” moment came when I officially hit the publish button on a post asking for help with The Erotic Writers Group. It’s a pretty big step for me. I do really badly at asking for help in an online atmosphere and will often take on this, “I can do it myself” attitude. Over the years, I’ve learnt that this does not serve me well.

I often get to a point where I absolutely burn out with online work. It just becomes this overwhelming crazy thing to me and I get all caught up in the lack of things or the failure of things and can’t make myself do anything. I often walk away for extended periods of time and often times will just walk away all together – and I hate that and I want it to change.

I need a team. I need a group of people who are interested in some of these things too, so that I’m not so isolated in the backend. People who know what I’m talking about when I try to bounce ideas off of them. People to share this addiction of mine with.

Plus, I think The Erotic Writers Group is so much fun, so useful, so awesome, that I don’t want to walk away from this one. I don’t want to give up and I have so many ideas that I want to bring to life. So, I’m not ready to give up. But I’m definitely not ready to keep doing it alone, because it’s not sustainable.

I’m pretty excited to see what ends up happening from that post. It’s terrifying and awesome all at the same. We’ll see 😉

Crazy Days

It’s been a pretty eventful week and it’s nowhere near over yet. Needless to say, I’ve barely been getting on the computer…

It’s been really hot here for some time now and we’ve been getting out of the house as much as possible. Mostly going down to my Mom’s, because she has a huge yard and a little pool and sprinklers and stuff for the kids to play with.

We also ended up going swimming with Alfie a few days back and that was a wicked day. I hadn’t been to G.H. Dawe since the big renovations quite awhile back and the changes that were made were fantastic. Went down two waterslides for the first time since I was 11, swam so much that my legs were absolutely mush by the end of it and even walked home in the beginnings of a pretty awesome thunderstorm.

We also had a super fun experience on Sunday. I follow the Red Deer Culture Services page on Facebook and got an update that stuff was going on down at Bower Ponds. Luckily, we don’t live far and walked down and enjoyed some traditional japanese drumming with a twist. Even though the kids were total brats almost the entire time, it was a really great day out of the house.

Tomorrow, we’ve got a beach day planned. Heading out to Gull Lake, gonna wear my “bathing suit” to a beach for the first time (worn it to the pool twice) and excited to see my man strut his stuff on the beach – which he hasn’t gotten to do in a few years. The last time he did, I was pregnant…

He’s on holiday, so we’ve made quite a few plans for the week. Mostly all stuff that just needs to get done and not necessarily vacation-esque things. I’m hoping that we’ll get the kids birth certificates ordered on Friday and we’ve gotta get some paperwork filled out before the end of the week, plus I’m hoping to finally get through the last of the laundry and get a real nice deep clean of a couple of rooms in the house. So, his holiday is more like work-at-home week.

We also need to start thinking about getting ready for the whole back-to-school debacle AND three kids have birthdays coming up, plus my birthday is in a couple months. I want to get all the organizing and planning stuff out of the way as soon as possible, so that I have less and less to do the closer we get to Christmas… And don’t even get me started on that!!!

So, there’s an update and a to-do list 😉